Scottie Dog Blues
by The Pixess
Summary: The hysteria hitting schools in every demension finally descends on Shiz.
1. Group Panic Attack!

**Disclaimer: Shockingly, this story is actually ABOUT Wicked- which I don't own- and not crappy angst poetry written by some illiterate emo kid who wishes he was as cool as Roger Davies. (Must not update "Service to Wicked Community", ignore it Pixie ignore…)**

**A/N: This story is dedicated to anyone currently taking exams/finals/any form of standardized testing. Take a break, get a laugh from this, and be grateful that your test does not start ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, like mine.**

At the sight before her, Galinda allowed her already radiant face to twist into its most flattering pose:

A smile.

_It really is fabulous, _she thought as she and Fiyero waded through the din of students, _to be so loved and needed by my peers. I don't know how all the little people who aren't _stand _it!_

She had been out on a date with the prince- if your definition of "date" is having a male companion join you for dinner, only to have him boredly stare at his food all night while you prattle on about nothing, as Galinda's apparently was- and now he was walking her back to her room.

That task would soon prove difficult, she noted gleefully, for a large crowd had formed outside her dorm. Those in the front were banging on the door as though their very lives depended on getting inside.

"Okay, people!" Galinda called cheerily, waving her arms in a calming fashion. "I'm back! Relaxify! What do you want?"

Milla whirled on her, bug-eyed. "We not waiting for _you_, idiot!" she snapped shrilly. "We need the Artichoke!"

"Greenie!" Pfannee cried, trying to gloss her voice over with false sweetness. "Greenie? Come on, now, Greenie, open up! Please?! Gree-_ney!_ Green-" she dropped the act "-dammit, what's her real name again??? Oh screw it- GREENIE!!!! SHIZKIN, GREENIE, JUST ONE VOCAB DRILL, THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING!!!!"

"What in Oz?" Fiyero muttered, eyeing the bob scene uncertainly. He turned towards Galinda, the expression on his face urging her to let them inside, but the Belle of the Uplands seemed frozen, still staring at Miss Milla with a stunned look on her face.

Fiyero swore. He pried the room key out of the petite blonde's hand and tugged her in behind him once he got the door open, slamming it shut again as quickly as possible.

The crowd screamed with outrage, some of them even beginning to hurl themselves at the door. Fiyero flattened himself against the woodwork, still huffing for breath while Galinda stood dumbly somewhere to the right of him.

"ELPHABA!!!" he screamed, kicking off his shoes and digging his princely toes into the carpet to brace himself, "WHAT IN THE WONDERFUL WIZARD'S WIKIPEDIA DID YOU DO TO PISS THEM OFF SO BAD??? EL-pha…ba…?"

He trailed off blankly, blinking at the sight in front of him. A large mound of books- it must have been the size of an average munchkin- lay stacked on the floor, pages half-ripped out of their bindings, loose leaf papers in which every note scribbled was highlighted, and- in the very center- a green hand poking out.

"Um, Elphaba?" he asked tentatively.

No response. Yero narrowed his eyes, and then poked Galinda, _hard._

"Hey, you," he said, waving a hand over her face. "Blonde stocker chick. Help."

Fortunately for Yero, this seemed to snap Galindy out of her daze (although she didn't seem to register that last comment, unfortunately.)

"Ow, Yero!" she squeaked. "What was that for?!"

"I think some textbooks tried to eat your little green friend," he replied, pointing.

Galinda gasped audibly at the sight. "Oh, Elphie!" she cried, dropping to her knees and flinging aside the books that were swamping her roommate. "I_ knew _this would happen someday! When are you going to learn that magazines are the only safe reading material there is???"

She threw a few more books over her shoulder before grabbing one that did not seem like it wanted to move. The harder Galinda pulled on it, the less it would budge. Biting her lip with a determined air, she yanked it with such vigor that she fell backwards, revealing:

"Oh, _Elphaba_," she said, gazing at her friend in horror. "What's _happened_ to you?"

Elphaba did not answer. She lay, unmoving, in the same position Galinda had dragged her out in, an extremely thick book titled _The Oziad_ pressed so close to her face it almost looked as if she were trying to shove it up her nose. Her long black hair was matted with grease, as though she had not oiled herself in days.

Worst of all, she did not even seem to register the other two's presence. Her eyes were scanning the book at double time while she muttered to herself, flipping pages far too quickly for her to have actually read anything.

"ELPHIE!!!" shouted Galinda, now looking truly frightened, "ANSWER ME!!!"

Fiyero came up behind her, narrowing his eyes determinedly. He bent down, slowly prying the book out of the girl's green hand.

"NO!!!" she cried wildly, wrenching it back from him. She began flipping through the pages again. "Pixie dust, toadstools, where do you find…?"

"You find it at the liquor store, next to the stoli," Fiyero said sardonically, yanking the book away again. "Now what is _wrong_ with you?"

Elphaba eyed him fearfully. "Give it back," she pleaded, pulling herself up and sitting cross-legged. She began to rock. "Need to study…have to pass… TOTOs…tomorrow…the TOTOs….no future, no future…"

Fiyero blinked. "Toto?" he asked blankly, looking at Galinda for an explanation.

The blonde went pale. "Oh…my…Oz…" she breathed, looking petrified. "Those are TOMORROW???"

Elphie nodded in her stupor, still rocking.

"SHIZKIN!!!" Galinda swore, beginning to hyperventilate. "WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME??? I'M NEVER GOING TO PASS SORCERY!!!"

She grabbed several books out of Elphaba's and darted into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her and locking it with an audible _click._

This seemed to wake Elphaba up some; she jumped, blinking dazedly, and turned toward the source of the noise. Fiyero glared at her, steering her chin back over to look at him.

"What the Quox is a toto?!" he demanded.

She goggled at him as though he had said, "You know, if you put purple highlights in your hair and wore maroon more often, you and Galinda could pass for twins."

"Not _toto_," she said slowly. _"TOTO_- Tests of Terrible Ominousness? They're worth ninety-five percent of your overall grade! And if I you don't get at least a 6,000 on the written part, you have to spend the first twenty years after you graduate laying yellow bricks!!! 5,000 and you don't even get out of school and have to lay the _red_ bricks!!!"

"I always wondered why those were so uneven," Fiyero mused. He shook his head, getting back to the issue at hand. "But come on, Elphie. Relaxify. You're the smartest person at Shiz, you don't have to-"

"DON'T USE YOUR OUTDATED OZIAN SLANG ON ME!!!" roared Elphaba, looking truly deranged now. "IF I DON'T GET A 15,999 OR MORE IN SORCERY I CAN'T BE THE WIZARD'S GRAND FIZZER!!!"

"Um, don't you mean 'vizier?" Fiyero asked uncertainly.

Elphie looked as though she swallowed a lemon. "DAMMIT, GLINDA, GIVE ME MY BOOK ON SORCERY TERMS BACK, I NEED TO LOOK SOMETHING UP!!!" she shouted suddenly, darting over to the restroom and beating violently against the doorknob with her green knuckles.

"IT'S _GALINDA_, CELERY SLUT!!!!"

Fiyero hurried to the green girl as she started to claw the door like a rabid animal, screaming like Boq after he saw a spider. "Have you people gone insane???" he- Fiyero, not the spider- shouted, grabbing Elphaba by her emerald wrists. "What happened to Dancing Through Life? What happened to corrupting our fellow students? What about knowing nothing matters but-"

"But knowing what year the first Ozma fell, I know!" cried Elphaba, as he dragged her back over to the center of the room. "But she took my Ozmotology book too, so I can't-"

"ELPHIE!!!" he shouted, slapping her across the face, "GET A GRIP!!!"

She gazed at him, wide eyes filled with hurt. Fiyero sucked in his breath sharply, realizing what he had done.

"E-Elphie," he said shakily. She tried her best to turn away, head bowed, despite his firm hold on her. "Elphaba, I…I didn't mean…"

"It's fine," she whispered, not meeting his eyes.

"It's not." He let go of one of her arms, using his freed hand to cradle the cheek he had glazed. "Elphaba, I'm sorry I yelled, but…I just didn't want you to hurt yourself. This isn't like you, and I mean…I care about you."

This statement caused something to stir inside the green girl, something that took her mind off the excruciating pain of the tears that were welling in her eyes. "I care about you too," she whispered. "That's why I want you to take this seriously- I mean, according to Galinda's copy of _Ozmopolitan,_ you're brother is first in line for the-"

"_You_ read _Ozmo_?" Fiyero asked teasingly.

"Galinda had me transferred into her cosmetology class, I had to study," she replied defensively. "But the point is, Fiyero-"

"Call me Yero."

Elphaba felt herself flush, but would not be deterred. "_Yero_- the point is, Willharry is first in line for the throne- that means unless he dies prematurely, you'll have to get some other job."

Fiyero smiled at her amusedly. "What, like in the real world?"

"Um, _yes_."

Yero blinked.

"OH MY OZ!!!!" he cried, diving into the pile of literature that still littered the floor. "QUICK, QUIZ ME SMART GIRL QUIZ ME!!!"

**A/N: Not my best, I know, but cut me some slack: I wrote this in the midst of panic attack to try to calm me down. Reviews make EXCELLENT birthday presents, and if I get enough I might just continue this (AFTER I go cram, of course.)**

**Oh, and by the way? Any flames received claiming that nobody cares about my birthday/ I ought to being having a panic attack due to my obvious stupidity from this fic will be deleted and mocked for sheer predictability.**


	2. Steamy Celery Studying

**Disclaimer: As long as it's not mine…**

**A/N: There was a change of schedule, so instead of starting testing today (MY BIRTHDAY, in case you hadn't heard the first billion times) I hung out in the cafeteria with my I-pod and wrote this chapter!

* * *

**

Fiyero squinted at the ceiling, as though the answer might magically appear there. "Okay, so Andrea Lane Finner invented Jenny-Any-Dot candy, causing all the citizens of Munchkinland to get major Ma-cavities?"

"Right- _again_," Elphaba said, giving him a crooked smirk. Fiyero had learned rather quickly during their all night cram session that this was the closest thing to a smile he was going to get from her, even post panic-attack.

"You really are smarter than you think you are," she continued- not affectionately, but merely as though it was a fact.

And that was fine. He enjoyed a challenge.

"I never claimed I wasn't smart," Fiyero replied airily. "I just think studying is a waste of time."

She closed her book, eyeing him intently. "Why?"

He waved her question away unconcernedly. "It's just so _pointless,_ you know? Besides, I'm _royalty. _It's not like I need to _earn_ anything- I'm set for life."

Elphie narrowed her eyes- eyes that, Yero couldn't help noticing, were the color of dark chocolate. Which was _very _warming.

"I thought we had this discussion already," she said impatiently. "If your brother—"

"My brother is going to be exiled just as soon as some bitter fan-girl he never once looked at claims he is her infant's parental-- it's only a matter of time," he replied affably. "I'll be first in line within the year, you just wait."

This statement seemed to irritate her very much- which was very pleasing to the hormones, he had to (inwardly) admit.

"Well then don't you want to be well-informed about things, so you can be a good king?" countered Elphaba.

With great restraint he managed not to laugh right in her face. "Tell me, Miss Bookish, do you know of any Winkie monarch this century who has been an upstanding fellow?"

"That Winkie fellow in your nether-region seems to be doing a decent impression of it," she muttered darkly.

"What was that?"

"I said that's because they aren't fellows," replied Elphaba, a little too quickly. "All Winkie rulers have been queens for the past two centuries, right?"

Fiyero snorted. "I don't know why you bother to ask when you're obviously a walking encyclopedia-- or is having two-faced katydids come groveling to you for tutoring a new trend?"

When she didn't respond to this bait, he continued: "Yes, Mother _is_ the reigning monarch, but you can't say she's _done_ anything. Other than produce that hideous song, of course…"

"ElizabethDianaFergalicious?" cried Elphaba. Yero grinned in triumph; he had finally made her smile. The green tint of her cheek flattered her mouth, making her white teeth seem even pearlier than they already were. And Oz, those _lips_! He had see them part further; make her really laugh, even at his personal expense.

"LizzieDiFi make them boyz go while 'cause baby boyz they know, they know just how she flow!" he sang out at a highly off-key falsetto.

It worked; Elphaba was rolling, the strain of cramming and the lateness of the hour breaking down that ridiculous temperamental wall she put up. It was so good to see her do something other than scowl.

"Aw, now," Fiyero said, pretending to be offended by her reaction. "You don't see me laughing about _your_ family, do you?"

Elphaba was somber again instantly. "There is nothing about my family that could ever be construed as funny," she said firmly, those chocolate eyes now blazing like coals.

Fiyero opened his mouth, but then shut it again, realizing he had no idea what to say to that. She was so _fragile. _Like a little green turtle, who had to be coaxed out of its shell for hours before it budged and then darted back inside at the slightest noise.

A really, really warm turtle. Like, flaming.

Oh Oz, this girl was starting to make him think like Quoxis Milton!

Although, a part of his thoughts- a teeny, tiny, yet still highly perverted part- wished Elphaba would like to partake in some Quoxis Milton-like behavior.

"_I_ am an _ass_," he said aloud.

Elphaba's face changed. Apparently Fiyero's worst green-mind-reading nightmare had not come true, and she thought he had made the remark about his prompting about her family. Hence, she began to babble apologetically.

"No, you're not, the Thropps are, I didn't mean to- You could _never_ be a-"

This was the point where, if there had been anyone but Miss Elphaba Margaret Thropp involved, the two would have ended up in an impassioned kiss- possibly leading to more. Their thoughts would slowly fade away, the very last of those thoughts metaphors involving darkness engulfing them, any remembrance of other suitors falling away into nothingness.

But since this _was_ Miss Elphaba Margaret Thropp he was dealing with- owner of the goody, not ruby, two shoes- she recoiled as soon as he leaned in and blurted "What about Galinda?!" before he got any action at all.

_Damn_ it!

"She has those thick textbooks to keep her safe if the bathtub monster tries to get her again, we shoved some celery under the door three hours ago to keep her blood sugar up, and I'm pretty sure that grumbling sound is her snoring, not a small hurricane, so-" he leaned in again.

She tilted away. "You _are_ an ass," she informed him, but he could tell she was masking amusement.

"Well, as your books will tell you, ass-ness is a symptom of lip-withdrawal; perhaps you could do something to rectify that situation-?"

_Damn _that cheek that would turn away, curse it despite the beautiful emerald zeal it reflected in the candlelight.

"She's my best friend, Yero, my _only _friend- except perhaps you," Elphaba said seriously. "I can't _lose_ her."

The "friend" bit had stung him- he didn't want to be her _friend._ "But-!"

She stood up. "It's late- I should probably check on Nessa, I haven't seen her all day."

"Oh _come on_- it's only just one night. How much trouble can she get into?"

* * *

**A/N: Tee hee. Famous last words. Reviews are love. Oh, and one more thing? Being massively slow, I only just realized that Toto is a TERRIER, not a Scottie. Therefore the title makes no sense. So if you could mention your opinion on whether or not I should change the title in your review (though please don't JUST say that, leave some stuff about the story, too!) that would be fantabulous.**

**Side note to Webber fans: Yes, I know technically it should be **_**Dame**_** Andrea Lane Finner, but I didn't think they knight people in Oz, or at least not musical-verse. But that's just me ;) **


	3. Musings and Mussed Makeup

**Disclaimer: It belongs to Steven Schwartz (who I totally did not cuss out during my history exam for not stating whether or not Charlemagne reinstated the Roman Empire in **_**Pippin**_**. At all.)**

**A/N: Sorry if this is a little choppy; that tends to happen with flashbacks/one-sided arguments. Basically the story line goes back-and-forth between the present and what was happening with Boq and Nessa during the first chapter. Also, Nessarose is Jenna Leigh Green just this once, because her features work best for my descriptions (you'll see.)**

"Oh come on, it's _only_ just one night! How much trouble can she get into?"

It was a really sad day when the Prince (okay, _one_ prince) of the Vinkus was starting to think even a girl's _snorts_ were cute.

"You obviously don't know Nessa," Elphaba replied; and with that she was gone, a swish of green and black winds blowing through the door.

* * *

_About six hours earlier, give or take…_

He was too busy trying not to get flattened by the mob surrounding her door to really think about it, but the disappointing thought that he wouldn't catch a glimpse of Miss Galinda that night still lingered in the back of his mind. After all, with such competition for her company- he managed to squeeze his way out of the mob- it was doubtful he'd see her again before this time tomorrow, since he was not in her Ozmotology class, which she had her first TOTO for (not that he memorized her schedule, or anything.)

Boq sighed, pulling out his room key. He tried to convince himself that at least now he'd get some extra studying in- though he hardly needed it, he added cockily.

He tossed his bag carelessly onto the bed and reached behind his pillow, where he kept his cosmetology book (what?! It's a co-ed class!); however, instead of feeling the thick pink cover against his fingertips, something crumbled inside them. Something that was decidedly too flimsy to be a textbook.

Boq pulled out the balled-up pit of parchment and unfolded it. _Oh my Oz,_ he thought as his eyes ran over the note:

_Dearest Boq,_

_Since we both have our first TOTO tomorrow (not that I memorized your schedule or anything!) I figured we could study together. You know, like a da- casual gathering between two acquaintances in the hope of broadening our education. My dorm room is unlocked, I'd be honored if you stopped by!_

_Love,_

For her signature, she had scrawled _Nessa_ with a flower-like doodle next to it. He supposed that was supposed to be a clever way of signifying the word "rose."

Boq sighed; Oh well. He had a pretty good instinct involving color textures, and according to the professor not even Galinda had gotten better marks on their manicures in class (another thing for her to hold against him). He supposed it wouldn't hurt him too badly if he couldn't review his textbook.

He reached for his knapsack- which had been on his person all day- in order to get a head start on Ozmotology.

The pack was empty.

_Dang, she's good, _Boq thought, unable to deny the small twinge of appreciativeness in his chest as he started for her dorm.

* * *

_Back to the future…sorry, couldn't resist…_

Elphaba stalked down the hall towards Nessa's room, trying to ignore the nagging voice in the back of her head.

_You. Are. An. Idiot. WHY? He tried to kiss you and you LEFT! Have you lost your broccoli-colored brain??? WHY???_

"He's Galinda's boyfriend- he's off limits," Elphie firmly reminded herself aloud.

The little voice wasn't having it. _WHO CARES???_ _Galinda can have anyone; you can barely walk outside without having males cringe at you. Then the most sizzlin' stud in all of Shiz tries to kiss you and you WALK OUT??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???_

"Are you certain you're not some defamation -of-caster spell Galinda cooked up?" Elphaba asked the voice sardonically, "Because _my _subconscious would _never,_ under any circumstances, invoke the words 'sizzlin' stud.'"

Little Voice gave an audible "humph." _You've been repressing your inner ditz since you were four, it has to express itself _somehow," it replied snippily. _I think some of you're inner child was mixed in there too, but that's for you and Frex to sort out later. The point is, YOU DESERVE SOME HAPPINESS LITTLE GREEN GIRL JUST LET YOURSELF HAVE IT!!!_

"I am happy to see Galinda with her dream date, because I am a _loyal_ friend, who would never dream of stealing anyone's boyfriend," declared Elphaba, so determined to make this statement true she forgot that she was talking to herself.

_You are so not that girl, _Little Ditzy Voice chided as Elphaba turned the doorknob to her sister's room.

* * *

_Past is the point we return to…_

_Okay, _Boq told himself sternly, _You go in, ask- no, _demand_ the books back, no feeling whatsoever, totally heartless, no matter what look-at-me-I'm-a-pretty-cripple-pity-me crap she pulls, then OUT. NO LINGERING._

That plan pretty much dissipated as soon as he crossed over the threshold. Nessarose was sitting at her vanity (a hand-me-down from Galinda?), her pale face bent over his cosmetology book. The hand that was not running down the page as she muttered the text aloud to herself held an eye shadow brush covered with green dust.

It was this powder that really got to him; Nessa detested wearing green because it reminded her of her main social liability other than her chair, but the book clearly cited several times that it was the color most flattering to her complexion, hair, and eye tone. She must have wanted to look her very best- for him.

_Heartless!_ He reprehended himself sternly.

"Miss Nessarose?" he prompted formally.

Nessa quickly swiveled herself around to face him. "Boq!" she greeted him warmly. "Goodness, you gave me a start! Given other circumstances I would have jumped out of my skin!"

_Hah! Nice subtle reference to your disability, Ness, but I'm not taking the pity bid this time!_

"I'm sorry for disturbing you," he replied, his voice oozing with cool courtesy; Morrible would have been proud. "I was hoping to inquire after my books? I find it more intellectually stimulating to study alone and- pardon me- but I don't recall you signing up for cosmetology this term."

Nessarose flushed. "Yes, of course," she said embarrassedly. She snatched the book off the table, fumbling with it nervously in her hands. "So sorry- just a thought, you know-" the book slipped through her fingers. "Oh!" she squeaked, the tint in her cheeks going from pink to scarlet. "Oh I'm so sorry- now the pages are going to be all bent and everything, let me get that-"

She stooped over in her chair, but the book was just out of arm's length. Anyone else could have nudged it with their toe and grabbed it up easily, but since it was Nessa-

It was a pathetic display, to be frank. She was half-falling out of her seat by now, face a beet with exertion and humiliation, and still she was not able to reach it.

"Here, let me-" he scooped it up himself, no longer able to stand the pitiful sight.

"Um, yes, right," Nessarose said awkwardly as he tucked the book under his arm. "Well, here are the other ones, I put them in my satchel."

The satchel in question, however, was poised on the back of her chair, arm loops dangling over the steering handles. Nessa twisted around, groping for it, but was met with the same results as with the other textbook. The only difference was that Nessarose was so mortified now that as he stooped to help her Boq saw unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

_No feeling!_ He cautioned himself, but his inner voice was feeble. _Remember, she's a conniving shrew!_

A conniving shrew with paralysis on the brink of a crying jag over _him._

Boq sighed. Deeply. "You know, Nessarose," she brightened visibly at his return to the informal use of her name, "I suppose…if you really wanted to…" stupid, hopeful brown eyes! "…you could quiz me awhile…"

She squealed shrilly. "Really? Great!"

And somehow or other, he found himself being thrust in front of the large mirror, the crippled girl yanking open drawers filled with all kinds of facial products- she must have had even more self-esteem issues than he realized. As she rolled inward to grab a brush, Boq thought he might have seen a kind of malicious gleam in her eye- almost as if tears had never lingered there at all.

* * *

_Presently…_

Don't look up. She had already lost focus by dozing off. She had to stay on task. If she just didn't look in the mirror, keeping her baby-blues down, she could do this. _Don't look_, she coached herself. _Don't look at the mirror, don't look at the mirror, don't look-_

"AHH!" Galinda screamed, catching sight of her reflection and nearly falling backward into the privy. Her mascara was smudged, giving her the look of a hung-over Raccoon; her rouge was uneven, giving her skin an unflattering burgundy tone; and, worst of all-

"BEDHEAD!!!" she shrieked, combing her fingers frantically through her blonde locks. She nearly fell over again as she pawed around for a brush.

"Where is it, where is it?" she murmured distractedly. "There!" she cried, diving for the pink piece of plastic.

Once that- and reapplying her makeup, and running through her flaxen mane, and readjusting her hair ribbon- was taken care of, she straightened, furrowing her brow in a way that would most likely leave tiresome wrinkles later in life, but she was too caught up in her predicament to note that. She _should_ continue studying- she didn't think she had actually retained anything over the past six hours- but then she really ought to check on Elphie. It seemed to her that the green girl had been having an episode, and, Galinda vaguely recalled, she might have called her roomie some sort of jab at vegetable promiscuity during her own panic attack.

She probably needed to apologize for that. Most likely it hadn't been very polite.

In the end, friendship won out, and after checking the mirror once more to make certain every golden tendril was in its proper place, Galinda unlatched the door and stepped out.

"Fiyero!" she cried in surprise, seeing the young prince collecting a stack of books and staring dejectedly at the front door for some reason- boys were such oddities. "You're still _here_?"

He nearly left out of his skin. "Galinda!" he cried; even when taken-aback, he still looked scrumptious. "Oh, yes, well I know it's rather inappropriate given the hour," he babbled (Galinda glanced at the clock- midnight), "but I just- I mean you-"

"You wanted to make sure I was alright?" Galinda prompted, her heart warming. "Oh, _sweetheart_, that's so- sweet! We really do deserve each other, you know."

Though Galinda did not know it, the prince thought, _The only thing I can recall having done to deserve _you_ is drop Lady Allison Schunard's puppy down the fish well when I was four. Teen._

"Yes, I know," was all he said aloud.

Galinda beamed. "Oh, Fifi, you're such an Angel!" she said, half-squealing.

Fiyero thought that he ought to receive a mountain of cookies for not wincing at the use of that hideous pet name- or perhaps just one ounce of sugar from Elphaba.

Speaking of which, oh Oz, was that little pink pomegranate starting to lean in…?

* * *

_Hee hee, cliffhanger…still the present, Bessa is caught up now._

Still trying to clear her selfish head, Elphaba knocked on her sister's door, prompting, "Nessa? It's me."

She received a curse, a clang, and a call of "Just a minute- _crap_!" in response.

There was a brief pause before Nessarose opened the door; Elphaba raised an eyebrow at the odd sounds that issued forth before Nessa stuck her head out, positioning herself so that the wheelchair was the only thing keeping the door open- and thereby preventing Elphie from seeing inside.

"Oh, hello Elphaba!" the younger Thropp said, her voice far too pleasant. "It's awfully late for a call, isn't it?"

"I…thought I heard a noise," Elphaba lied slowly, testing her sister's suspicious air.

Predictably, Nessa paled for a moment, then said in a cheery, high-pitched voice, "Oh, no! Can't imagine where you got that idea, I was just about to go to bed-"

At this there was a loud, muffled sound of protest, followed by a loud _thunk_. This and the nervous smile across Nessarose's face were all the incentive Elphie needed to wedge herself past the wheelchair to see what was going on for herself.

"Oh, _Rosie_," she said tiredly, taking in the scene. "_Again?_"

Boq lay floundering on the ground, bound and gagged, his mascaraified eyes glaring daggers at Nessarose. Actually, everything about him was mascaraified, and every other type of makeup-ified as well. He looked like a cross between a clown, a mime, and a desperately impoverished hooker.

"What do you mean, _again_?" Nessa replied defensively.

"Um, does the name Barnabas Frank ring any bells?" Elphaba asked snidely.

"I was seven, and he was ugly!" the other protested vehemently, "You can't possibly hold _that_ against me!"

"Watch me," Elphaba replied sharply, kneeling beside Boq, who was now trying in vain to get close enough to Nessarose in order to kill her without use of his limbs.

This was proving rather difficult; go figure.

"Oh, please don't untie him!" Nessa begged. "I was only trying to have a little fun before exams start! I guess the strain made me lose it a little-" Boq whacked his ankles, still bound together, on the floor in furious agreement- "but it's not like I hurt him or anything! I didn't even let anybody else see him! Please, just for tonight, I'll never do it again!"

_See, I _am _your subconscious; Rosie is the only psycho in your family, _Little Voice drawled, popping up suddenly.

**Shut **_**up, **_Elphaba told it inwardly. She glanced at Boq, still writhing on the floor in anger, and reason told her that she should obviously let him go and get her sister examined. But then she looked at Nessarose again, saw the mask of genuine sadness across her face- a face that other than its color looked very near her own. Same black hair, same brown eyes…same inability to be with the men they loved.

Yes, it was sentimental and stupid and she would kill herself or else be killed by Boq in the morning, but screw it. She _had_ been repressing her "inner ditz" for awhile.

"Fine, whatever," she told her sister, then promptly stomped out before Nessa's squealing (or possibly Boq's) could cause her to change her mind.

* * *

Okay, this wasn't so terrible. If he just kept his eyes shut- which was the more appropriate way to do it, anyhow- he could just pretend it was Elphaba.

No, no, that wouldn't do. Elphaba never wore lip-gloss, from what he could tell. Besides, if his imagination got away with him in this particular situation…no, it was better not to think at all while he was doing the right thing with the wrong person.

* * *

_Can't you walk any faster?_ Little Voice urged her once she was back in the hallway.

"Stop it," Elphie ordered it. She shouldn't give herself false hope- she shouldn't give herself _any_ hope. It was probably all in her imagination that Yero- _Fiyero_, she corrected herself- had taken an interest in her at all. He probably thought she was a complete freak after her study-rampage. He had no feeling towards her whatsoever- she was positive of it.

_That is such total bull-_

Every inch of her froze as she stepped into the doorway. Among the heap of disorganized books- though some were now stacked, for some odd reason- Fiyero stood, Galinda's arms wrapped around him in a long embrace.

An embrace that, from where she stood, looked as though it was going to involve tongue in a minute.

She inhaled sharply, barely registering that she did so. Galinda, however, must have, for jumped away from the prince as quickly as though he had caught on fire.

"Elphie!" she cried, embarrassed. "I was just looking for you! Well, I mean, not _just_ now, obviously-" she smiled shyly. Elphaba tried very hard not to imagine littering those pearly whites all over the floor. "I wanted to apologize- for earlier, I mean."

"It's…fine…" she said slowly, not having a clue what she was talking about. She was too busy trying not to claw the other girl's eyes out.

Galinda didn't notice, thinking it was one of the green girl's many quirks- like that whole _reading_ thing.

"Um, I guess…I'll just…" Fiyero faltered, staring helplessly at the Elphaba, whose eyes were now cast on the floor. He felt as though he had been punched in the gut; those beautiful brown saucers couldn't even stand to look at him…

"Oh, no, don't go yet!" Galinda chirped, oblivious to the tension. "Didn't you say at dinner you had a surprise for me?"

A surprise- he was even bringing her presents! Elphaba wanted to curl up under a rock and die…no one would even notice, they'd just think she was a bit moss…urgh, and he was grinning from ear to ear at her mere mention of it…!

Fiyero was, indeed, beaming down at the little blonde. "I'm so glad you reminded me," he said sincerely, and quickly pulled out a compact disk out of his jacket.

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I _LOVE_ YOUR MOM, SHE IS SO COOL!!!" Galinda screeched several octaves higher than was thought humanly possible. Elphaba slowly lifted her gaze off the ground, her mouth twitching as though she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Galinda started to jump up and down. "SHENSHEN IS TOTALLY GOING TO DIE!" she squealed.

"We can only hope," Fiyero said, completely deadpan; Elphie's mouth continued to curl upward in spite of herself.

"Is it her new one, _The Duch-ed_?" asked Galinda excitedly.

"Um, you mean _The Dachshund_?" Fiyero asked uncertainly; Elphaba's eyes were downcast again, but he could see that this time she was biting her lip to keep from losing it.

"Oh. Right. That."

"Don't worry about it," he told Galinda in earnest; Elphaba looked up again, unnerved by the sweetness in his voice. He locked eyes with her. "I always thought that title was stupid. I recommended: 'She Don't Mean a Thing, You're the One that Makes me Swing.'"

Crude to the point of heinous, but it got the point across; those deep brown eyes had widened into saucers, gaping at him in shock and- was he imagining it?- pleasure.

Miss Upland, thankfully, remained ignorant of this shocking declaration. "I've just _got_ to flaunt this in everyone's faces!" she gushed. "I mean, what's a better way to distract them from exam stress and sleep deprivation than sharing my joy?"

And with that completely selfless statement she flounced out, humming "Ozian Bridge" under her breath and leaving the other two alone to make awkward small talk.

"Well…" Fiyero said after a minute, breaking the silence. "It's late; I suppose I should go…"

"You _should_," she agreed, but there was an implication in her voice that she couldn't quite mask.

Yero smirked. "It was rather rude of Lady Galinda to scamper out of here without so much as a goodbye, wasn't it?"

Elphaba raised an eyebrow at the playful nature in his tone. "I suppose," she replied guardedly.

"I mean really, I gave her a gift and everything! Surely I deserve a treat in return…" he trailed off, eyeing her speculatively.

She smiled crookedly at him. "I think," she said slowly, taking a step towards him (Fiyero forgot to breathe), "that considering all I've heard you say tonight-" (the lack of breathing was now companied with hopeful lightheadedness) "-my not mocking your suggestion of an album name is a treat enough."

_So. Friggin. Close._

"This isn't over," he informed her as he started out the door.

The chocolate eyes twinkled. "Let the games begin."

* * *

**A/N: Oh, thank God, I finally finished this chapter!!! Seriously, people, you have no idea. I know it's rather crappy but I promise the next chapter will be better and now I don't have exams hanging over my head, sucking out my creative energy (WOO-HOO!)**

**Special thanks to Melody for editing Galinda's section, and for my Muse for guest starring as Little Voice (only, like, ten times less annoying- again, you don't even know. )**

**However, I know I want some reviews!!!**


	4. Vulgar Virtues

**Disclaimer: Don't own Wicked, stole one line from "Some Like It Hot", and I would like to disclaim the fact that I said last chapter sucks. It doesn't. But I promised you a great chapter, and hopefully, I've given you a great chapter. But please keep in mind that I have been volunteering as a quick changer/chaperone/been dancing in a showcase for four days straight, and therefore am dead tired.**

Burying her face into her frilly pink pillows, Galinda Upland tried desperately to block out the sound of her roommate's voice.

"Get _up_," it ordered, the owner of said voice clocking her over the head with another cushion.

Galinda grumbled something indistinguishable, wrapping the fuchsia comforter tighter around herself. Elphaba, clearly not in the mood for dallying, threw open the shutters beside the other girl's nightstand.

"No!" Galinda moaned as the sun bathed her face, stinging her unadjusted eyes. "Twirlly…"

"It is _not_ too early," Elphaba snapped, yanking the covers off of her head (Galinda squealed and curled into a ball). "You're already running late, I got up hours ago!"

"You also wear black after Work Day, doesn't mean I'm about to start," grunted the other girl, still not opening her eyes.

Elphaba scowled. "If you don't get up now, you won't have time to put on any make-up."

Galinda bolted upright. "I'm up!" she cried, stumbling out of bed.

Elphie rolled her eyes; only Galinda would be more concerned with how she looked while taking the most important test of their lives more than knowing the actual _content._ Her blonde roommate hadn't returned from showing off her autographed CD till quarter to three that morning. She must have walked the entire campus, showing it to everyone who would listen to her and several who would not.

_Preps are so weird_, she thought tiredly as her roommate hurriedly made her bed.

Elphaba regretted that thought almost as soon as it had come to mind; she really ought to be nicer to Galinda. It was bad enough she had feelings for her boyfriend- she shouldn't add traitorous _thoughts_ with her actions.

Not that she had _done_ any actions with the prince; she had virtuously and vehemently denied him _that_ pleasure. She should really just try to make up for the thoughts of traitorous actions she had taken the action of thinking about-

Oh, Oz, what was she on about? The day of the most important examination of her life and she couldn't even think straight??? She _knew_ she should have gotten more sleep!!!

"I made breakfast already, Miss Galinda," she said aloud, trying her best to seem courteous and to ignore the headache formulating in her temples.

Galinda- who, having finished fussing with the bed had started to change out of her pajamas- froze as she was pulling on her silk stockings "_You_ cooked?" she asked nervously.

Elphaba was too busy trying to be chipper to notice. "Uh huh!" she called from the kitchen nook, messing with something Galinda couldn't see on the stove. She picked said Mystery Pan up and presented it to her roommate with a flourish. "Porridge!"

Galinda plastered on best fake smile- the same one she used on fan boys who wore suspenders as they gave her their room numbers; the oatmeal Elphie had cooked up looked almost as revolting. It wasn't that Galinda was a particularly picky eater; it was just hard for a person with an irrational phobia of water to cook anything that didn't taste like lard. Or kerosene, depending on her mood.

And for the love of lip gloss--porridge for the blonde from the girl who thought "Goldy Locks" was a conspiracy made up to defame Bears???

"Mmm…" Galinda said with feigned enthusiasm as her roommate set the bowl in front of her. A bubble within the gruel popped, almost as though it was winking devilishly at her.

Elphaba smiled encouragingly. Suppressing a grimace, Galinda picked up the spoon and stuck the foul-smelling concoction (was oatmeal even supposed to _have_ a smell?) into her mouth.

It took all her years of blue-blooded manner drills to keep her from visibly gagging on the stuff; unless she was very much mistaken, Elphie had avoided the risk of getting herself wet by substituting the water in the mix for- she fought not to shudder- _olive oil._

Galinda tried to compliment the embodiment of disgust, but the "porridge" had taken on a taffy-like quality and stuck to the roof of her mouth. Therefore, "I really love it!" came out as "rellie lovett!"

Fortunately, Elphie seemed to get the gist. "Good- now hurry up and finish, we have to be in class by nine, and if you're late I won't wait."

She said this last bit teasingly, but inside she was serious as death. Guilt or no guilt, she would not let her roommate's insane primping habits make her tardy for the most crucial examination of her academic career.

"Okay!" Galinda- who had finally finished chewing- sang with far too much enthusiasm than should be allowed before noon. "In that case, I should probably finish getting dressed before I polish off this fantastical meal that you so lovingly prepared for me!"

"Uh…yeah," said Elphaba, eyeing her roommate uncertainly. "I'll just…study out in the hall. You know how perkiness distracts me."

Galinda nodded in earnest. Still unnerved, Elphaba quickly grabbed her books and headed out into the hallway.

The second the door had closed behind the green girl Galinda bolted for the sink, saying a silent apology to the poor pipes as she shoveled the slop down them.

* * *

Twenty minutes, fifteen seconds, and 5.3 nanoseconds later (not that Elphaba was counting) Galinda _finally_ emerged, dressed in a fashionably cut summer dress, baby blue, with a pearl necklace and matching hair combs. 

"So glad you took the time to look presentable for _doing nothing but writing for three hours_," Elphaba greeted her, trying to make her tone more playful than sarcastic.

"Try" being the operative word.

"Well, perhaps it will help persuade the professor to uh…put the odds of passing more in my favor, if you know what I mean," the other girl replied jokingly, fluttering her eyelashes.

Elphaba snorted as the two started towards their classroom. "Miss Upland, I realize that you've never paid much attention in Ozmology, but surely you've realized that our professor is female. _And_ a Cow."

"Well, nobody's perfect," Galinda replied defensively.

Elphaba was not sure whether she ought to take offense to that little comment of not, but fortunately they were interrupted by the Gs, as she privately liked to call them: Galinda's Gaggle of Giggling, Gossiping, Gushing, "Glamorous" Girlfriends.

"I _adore_ your outfit!" Pfannee gushed.

"Simply swankified!" Shenshen agreed.

"The color really sets off your eyes," Milla added.

Elphaba in turn rolled _her_ eyes and began tapping her foot impatiently. She didn't know why she bothered; when the Gs got together, there would be no stopping them until Galinda decreed it was time for quiet.

The green girl debated her options; they _were_ running quite late, and normally she would have abandoned her frilly friend without another thought about it. However, for some reason, she had the odd feeling that it would be best for her well-being to stay as close to the blonde-bombshell as possible…

"By the by, have you _seen_ our Master Biq this morning?" Pfannee giggled.

Ah. Well, that would be it then.

_Cheating with her man, using her as a human shield- my, my, Ms. Thropp, why not start selling her makeup behind her back to support your pinlobble habit?_

Shut up! And we haven't done anything that can technically be construed as cheating!

_Yet._

"Oh, no- he's not planning some elaborate affair to win my affections, is he?" Galinda asked worriedly in regard to Pfannee's question.

Shenshen let out a highly un-ladylike snort. "Hardly," she replied. "_I_ saw him sulking about the boy's dormitory this morning, muttering darkly to himself with hideous purple circles under his eyes." She scowled at this fashion faux pas, and then added brightly, "Do you suppose he's gone mad?"

As the others inquired as to just _why_ Miss Shenshen had been in the boy's dorm that morning, giggle giggle, Elphaba thought back to the previous night; she was pretty sure Nessa had used yellow eye shadow, not purple, so the circles must have just been from fatigue.

Still, to be on the safe side, Elphaba decided to ignore her usual policy of shunning the G's whenever she came into contact with them. "What sort of things was he muttering?" she wanted to know.

All of the other girls blinked.

"Well I'm sure I don't know," Shenshen replied briskly once she got over the shock of the Artichoke having the audacity to speak to her. "He was _muttering,_ wasn't he? All I caught was something about a witch and needing to be E-liminated." She glowered at her. "I mean _really_, Miss Elphaba! It's not as if I go around _eavesdropping _on people!"

And again, Elphaba was saved from a futile, hypocritical argument by someone interrupting. This time, however, the interrupter in question was much tastier eye-candy.

_Oh, Oz, did I just _think _that?!_

"Ladies," Fiyero purred, wrapping his arms around Galinda's shoulders. "And how are you this fine morning?"

"They were just wondering about one last thing for Cosmetology," Galinda quickly informed him. She turned towards her posse. "Why don't you go ask the professor, girls?"

Fluent in Cliquish, the Gs understood this to mean, "MY HOTTIE! MINE! SCATTER, YOU SKANKY SCAVANGERS!" and obediently scattered after saying their obligatory goodbyes.

Elphaba knew this was not directed at her. She was not part of the Gs, and therefore was not expected to understand their language. Besides, she wasn't like those flirty little fruit tarts. "Elphie" could be _trusted_.

If she only knew.

"Funny, I thought you _were_ the Cosmetology professor," Fiyero teased; clearly, he too was a foreigner fluent in Cliquish.

Galinda rolled her eyes. "I might as _well_ be," she replied haughtily, scrunching her hair as she always did when agitated. "You know that old harpy gave BIQ a higher grade than me for our manicures?! Miss Pfannee saw her mark it into the grade book herself!"

"It is indeed a travesty for the ages," Fiyero said with this usual snark, but he was smiling at her, and his eyes were twinkling. Elphaba raised an eyebrow at this odd behavior; she had rarely seen him flirt with Galinda while he had been "faithful" to her- and now that he was being "unfaithful," it might cause him bodily harm.

Galinda, however, seemed to think he was being serious, and agreed heartily. "She ought to be sacked," she concluded flatly.

The corners of Fiyero's lips twitched as though he was desperately trying not to laugh. "Well, I don't know about _that_," he replied mildly. "But I _do _have a little prezzie that might make it a bit better."

Predictably, Galinda began to trill like a whistle. "Oh, Fifi, you spoil me so!"

Elphaba choked; Fiyero shot her a deathly look, and she bit her lip but felt as if her diaphragm would explode if she had to contain it much longer.

"Yes…well…" the Prince continued embarrassedly. "Your gift is rather large, so I asked Dr. Dillamond if I could stow it in the storage closet in his classroom. He agreed, but the thing is, I can't _lift_ it by myself, it's so huge…Miss Elphaba," he added, as though an idea had just occurred to him, "Could you perhaps lend me a hand?"

"Er-okay," she consented hesitantly, aware of the time and somewhat wary of whatever scheme he had obviously cooked up.

"Great! Be back in a minute!" he told Galinda before half-dragging the green girl around the other side of the corridor.

"Ooh, you sure seemed eager enough to get out of there- having relationship problems, Fif-?"

"Do NOT," he interjected, grabbing her arm and tugging her into Dillamond's room.

"What is this thing, anyway?" Elphaba wanted to know as Fiyero steered her over to the closet and started fumbling with the key.

He grinned at her as the lock clicked. "A ruse."

Before Elphaba knew what was happening he had whisked her inside, just managing to avoid snagging her skirt on the door as he shut it behind them.

"What are you _doing_?" she demanded once she got her bearings again.

She could not see him chuckling, for it was very dark in the closet, but the laughter in his voice was audible enough. "What do you _think_ I'm doing?" he replied amusedly.

She felt his hand snake around her waist; the storage cupboard was extremely cramped, and she could feel his warm breath bathe her face. She could almost taste his morning cup of cocoa on the air, which made it _very_ difficult to focus on being indignant.

"What, you wanna _make out_ ten minutes before exams start amongst the formaldehyde?" she spat, pronouncing "make out" with particular venom.

"I've done it in more awkward situations," his silhouette shrugged, leaning inward.

Elphie turned her cheek away. "And how many times have you done this, exactly?" she asked icily.

"Well, erm, it hasn't been…I mean it's not like they meant…um, three?"

"I am rolling my eyes at you, I want you to know that."

"Good, I do too; it gives me an excuse to visualize those beautiful irises of yours,"

Curse his slick tongue for making her heart melt so! "Does that line really work?" she bluffed, but her sardonic tones trembled a bit.

"You tell me." His voice was knowing.

He took a step forward; Elphaba felt her back press against the wall as she stiffened.

"What is it?" he asked gently, caressing her face.

"This feels…wrong," she murmured breathlessly.

"Is this about Galinda?" he wanted to know, his voice a bit less gentle now. "Because I never _agreed_ to this whole arrangement, you know. One night at the Ozdust, that's _all_. Why should I be held to a promise I never made?"

"It doesn't matter," Elphaba said forcefully. "She still cares about you."

"She doesn't even _know_ me!" Fiyero cried, exasperated.

Elphie bit her lip, lowering her gaze. "I know that," she relented.

"Then what's the problem?!"

Elphaba swallowed, her mouth suddenly gone dry. "I…I've never kissed anyone before," she admitted shakily.

Fiyero laughed in relief, a cry of "is _that_ all?" poised on his tongue, but Elphaba shoved him away before he got the chance.

"Oh, what, you thought lots of princes just like to line up to test their luck with The Frog?! Think if they pucker up I'll turn into a pretty princess from the Upper Uplands?!" Fiyero had never heard her so angry before.

"No, I-" he started, stunned, reaching out to calm her.

"Don't you touch me!" she snapped, knocking his hand off her shoulder. She thrust herself past him with all the strength she could muster to get at the door. "Don't you ever touch me again!"

"ELPHABA!" he shouted as she slammed the door in his face. He jiggled the doorknob fiercely, desperate to follow her, but it would not budge. Frantic, he clamored to the ground and peered through the crack between the door and the floor.

He had kept the key in the lock when he had first ushered the green girl inside, but she had closed the door with such force that it had flown halfway across the room. He could no more open the door than fly.

"Elphaba," Fiyero croaked.

He gave the door a futile kick before finally letting out a stream of long, livid profanities.

* * *

**A/N: Why do I have the feeling I'm going to get a lot more story alerts after this? (Translation: Don't all kill me at once! In fact, you should be HAPPY, because the Inspiration Fairy came during the night and now I have enough material for an extra chapter! Yay!)**

**Reviews make for quicker updates! Stay tuned till next time to see if Fifi gets the girl, or- like R. Kelly- remains trapped in the closet (that was SO CHEESY).**


	5. The Closet of Perversion

**Disclaimer: Don't own Wicked or any other article of pop culture referenced here (cough, Lion King, cough, they totally have intercoms in Oz, cough) I also feel the need to remind you that this story is rated T for a REASON, given certain content…**

Once Fiyero had run out of swear words (this took _quite_ awhile) and his head grew too sore from banging against the wall, he slumped to the floor and did the only thing he could to keep himself occupied:

Think.

Oh, yes. He had officially hit rock bottom.

What was her issue, anyway? Fiyero wondered. So what if she hadn't kissed anybody before? Did she really think he _cared_?! Oz! With lips like _those_?! Pretty sure she'd prove a quick study…

_Green lips…now that's an interesting fetish._

Okay. It was thoughts like _that_ that made him strive to be brainless.

Still, he could not stop replaying the whole affair- no, not _affair_, he corrected himself, he had _wanted_ an _affair_- he couldn't stop playing the _ordeal _over in his head.

He was such an idiot. Did he think pulling her into a closet for a quick tryst would be enough to satisfy him? It was obvious to anyone with a chipmunk's mentality- no, even a blonde little Galinda sized, be-mine-forever-Fifi-I-luuuuuuuuuurve-you mentality- that Elphie wasn't like the other girls he had been with. For one thing, she still had her dress buttons fastened upon entering the closet.

For another, Elphaba was… special. She called him on his crap, talked to him as an actual _person, _not just as the Washboard Abs of the West.

_Okay. Not only am I _thinking, _but my thoughts are starting to sound like an extremely whiney love declaration in some cheap dime novel. Clearly, I have to get out of this closet, because my non-existent brain is being denied oxygen and is slowly turning to mush._

Before he had time to further ponder this medical crisis, however, the sound of a door opening started him to attention; no one was supposed to be in here for another three hours, he _knew_ it. This was Dillamond's free period, he had made _sure_ of it before he picked out this room to serve his purposes.

He hadn't exactly wanted the two of them to be _disturbed_ any time soon.

Almost as though his dirty mind had summoned her, Madame Morrible's echoed forth from the outside room, the sound of people filing in accompanying her voice. "We are most sorry for this inconvenience," she boomed over the general din. "We have been forced to close Gathea Hall due to a very immature, highly pungent prank played by two equally immature and- if I may say so- _pungent_ compan- troublemakers."

Fiyero could tell from the way she hesitated at the word "companions" that the troublemakers in question were Tibbett and Crope. Consequently, he grinned.

"Fortunately, only two classes in that wing have examinations this period, and the professor who uses this room has kindly volunteered it for our purposes."

Fiyero's grin quickly faded, for he knew this was a lie; he'd been all but stalking Dillamond since five that morning, waiting for an opportunity to steal his key without his noticing. Once Fiyero had finally managed the task, he had overheard the Goat telling a colleague he was going to treat himself to a large breakfast over at the café; he wouldn't have been back early enough to hear about the apparent stink bomb.

Sometimes he really had to wonder if Elphaba was being as paranoid as other people thought she was when it came to Animal Rights.

Oh,_ Elphaba… _

Fiyero shook his head; he had more important (well, at that moment, anyway) things to dwell on. Such as the fact that it would be a rather awkward situation if Morrible were to discover him locked in a school closet with no plausible explanation. On the other hand, it would be an equally awkward- if not more so- for him to remain undiscovered, and thereby starve to death and/or continue to slip into oxygen-deprived Pervertland.

It was quite the predicament, really.

Still debating his options, he peered through the keyhole. Morrible was standing at the center of the room, two other adults- he guessed they were the professors of the refugee classes- and looked as though she was about her mouth to speak again when the intercom crackled.

"Helloooooooooooooooooo Shiz!" a familiar voice rang out. "These are your morning announcements!"

"Not Morrible's usual denouncements!" another voice, this one somewhat deeper, chimed.

"Quite right, Tibs!

_We have the preps with the gossip_

_If you still have a poncho, toss it_

_I'm afraid they've gone quite out of fashion_

_(Though if you've got taffeta you're simply smashin'!)_

_As for those hunky jocks, I'd love to join your sport-"_

"_**Now, now, Cropey lets keep it PG for this report**_!"

Morrible's eyes, Fiyero could tell even from the closet, had narrowed into slits. She quickly jetted out of the classroom as the two continued with their banter.

"_Oh darling, yes of course!_

_(And anyway, have you seen the football team? _

_Urgh, teeth just like a Horse!)_

_Well I think that's all we have today_

_If you have any questions, please let me say,_

_Just ask a geek, for they know all-"_

"_**But how they gain that knowledge, I can't quite recall."**_

There was a high-pitch squeal issued over the speaker.

"Oh, Tibby, you're so sexy when you rhyme things!"

"Why thank you dearie, I try. By the by, do you happen to know what _your_ name rhymes with?"

"No, darling, do tell!"

"Well, I'll give you a hint- it starts with a G-"

"GET OFF THE SPEAKER YOU LITTLE-" Morrible's voice suddenly roared.

"Oppsie!"

"Tootles, my little Shizles-!"

The line went dead. The laughter of the others was so loud that Fiyero didn't bother to contain his own- he doubted he would be able to even if that wasn't the case.

"All right, people, settle," one of the professors reprimanded, but it was no use. The place was in an uproar; Yero didn't see a single student not laughing.

And then he did- slumped in his chair, sitting at the desk closest to the closet. How had he not seen him before?! If he could just get his attention- _he_ could find the key and slip it under the door-

"_Boq_!" Fiyero hissed, speaking at his normal volume to be heard over the giggling but still remaining discreet.

The munchkin started; relieved he had been heard, Fiyero continued:

"Listen, Boq, I need you to-"

"No!" Boq snapped wildly, craning his neck in both directions.

Fiyero blinked. "But I haven't even-"

Boq cut him off. "I am _not_ hearing voices in my head," he declared under his breath. "Bad enough that Galinda Wannabe caught me grumbling to myself, I'm not having people think I've gone _completely _off the deep end."

Be that as it may, Fiyero could definitely tell he had graduated from the kiddie pool, at least. "Boq, you idiot, it's not-"

"Shut up!" he commanded the prince; oh, that little psycho was _so_ having his head stuck down the privy when this was all over. "Oh Oz, not you too!" he added, louder this time.

Fiyero's vision was temporarily blocked by a spoke wheel as Nessarose rolled up to the little munchkin.

"Oh, don't give me that," her voice sounded tired, as if she hadn't gotten enough sleep; Yero couldn't see her face from the way she had positioned her chair. "I have to sit at the desk closest to the nearest exit, you know that."

"That's a closet, Nessie. A closet filled with nasty, science-y chemicals that could cripple you even further if you inhaled them. Now go away."

Okay: One_, harsh; _Two, PLEASE let that not be true!!!

"Boq, really!" Nessarose whispered reproachfully; their classmates had finally settled down and their teachers were explaining the proper protocol for filling in bubbles. "I just thought we should talk about last night…"

Last night?! As in last _night_?! Oh Quox no! No freaking way did _Boq_ have a "_last night_" when Fiyero was up till midnight _studying._

"_Talk_ about it? Nessa, I don't even want to _think _about it! In fact, if I could have last night surgically removed from my brain-"

"Was it _that bad_? I mean I know you were moaning I lot but-"

He so, so, did not need to hear this conversation.

"I wasn't _moaning_, Nessa, I was _screaming_! It was muffled by that latex or whatever cloth you stuffed inside my mouth!"

WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Also, Nessarose knew tricks…?

"You're exaggerating," her voice said dismissively. "I think I did a decent job- I mean it's not like it was my first time!"

"Yes, your sister mentioned that during her brief visit," Boq replied wryly. "And if you did such a great job, then why did it take you till three in the morning to get it the way you wanted it?"

Fiyero twitched violently; his horror was not only at the increasingly disgusting mental pictures he was getting, but also from the bitter irony of it all: Nessa- crippled, innocent little Nessa- wasn't a (well, you know)- whereas her ABLE-BODIED, TOTALLY SWANKIFIED sister hadn't even been KISSED??? URGH!!!

Speaking of his Lovely Leaf, she had WALKED IN ON THEM??? Oz, he obviously really _didn't_ know Nessa (and he wasn't sure he wanted to, either.) No wonder Elphaba had been gone for so long before she found he and Galinda-

Fiyero closed his eyes. He was so, so, dead. WHY had he let that blonde little creampuff kiss him, WHY??? Shizkin, first catching her sister in the act and then coming back to see him swapping spit with the Pink Predator?!

The professors shushed Bessa's bickering and were beginning to pass out the test. Since he didn't want to distract the other students, Fiyero decided to look for those chemicals Boq had mentioned instead of banging his head against the wall again.

Hey, it killed an hour.

The examination was halfway over when the classroom door opened.

"What are you all doing here?!" a voice cried indignantly.

Dr. Dillamond had finally returned.

Fiyero squinted through the keyhole again, deciding that this was worth giving up a minute of conceded self-loathing. One of the Profs., a woman dressed in vulgarly bright pink shawls and finger nails the length of the school's running track (he could only hope she taught Cosmetology) ushered him out into the hall, appearing to murmur soothingly to him as though he were a small child on the brink of a tantrum.

"All right people, back to your tests," the other teacher- a gruff, portly little man- barked.

Not a chance. The Goat was sputtering at a very audible level, resentment growing with every decibel.

"Overreacting?! I am certainly not _overreacting _Miss Niemeyer! How would _you_ feel if someone just waltzed into _your _classroom and- I am fully aware you did not do any _dancing_ in order to prepare for testing, Miss, I am not a simpleton! Just because I-"

This one-sided argument for some minutes before a breathy, female voice devoid of all patience cried out, "Animals!" disdainfully; unable to see, Fiyero could only assume she had stormed off in a huff, for when the door reopened only the Doctor came in.

"You may stay here," he said in a voice of deathly calm, "until your examinations are complete. When you are finished, you will pass your papers up to the front and then immediately leave, as I have a class to prepare for and more important things to do than baby-sit a generation of ignorants who have not been specifically charged to me."

The words rang out through the silence like the crack of a whip; Dillamond turned his back on the class and sat down at his desk, glowering as though daring them to question his authority on the matter.

The rest of the test was taken in stony silence. Fiyero was uncomfortable even with a layer of wood separating him from the tension; he could only imagine how his peers were feeling as they glanced uncertainly at each other, pushing their pencils with much more gusto than before.

One by one, they did as they were bidden, handing their papers to the person in front of them, bolting as soon as possible.

It seemed a matter of seconds between the departure of the last student (Nessa, being wheeled out by her instructor) and the arrival of Dr. Dillamond's actual class, all of whom flooded in, completely oblivious.

Elphaba was with them.

She kept her green head bowed, raven hair falling in front of her face in silky sheets. She appeared determined to look anywhere but the closet (really good sign).

He stared at her through the entire period, ignoring the dagger twisting in his gut. He couldn't read her expression- it was just…intense. Every now and then, if she came across a particularly tricky question she'd tilt her head to the side, the tip of her tongue just poking out of the side of her lip.

On anyone else, having such a serious demeanor matched with such a comical pose would have been unflattering, but on Elphie it was just cute. Not in a fluffy, Galinda-esque way (thank Oz) but just…cute.

Shizkin, it hadn't even been half a day and he already missed her…

She was, not surprisingly, the first one finished. She walked up to Dillamond's desk to set her paper down, leaning in as she did so as if to whisper something. There was a brief pause (Fiyero supposed the Goat must be answering, for Elphaba's frame had blocked him from his view) and then her back straightened suddenly, as though she had heard something surprising. She stood there a minute as if he mumbled something else and she returned to her seat, her face puzzled and a little hurt.

Fiyero was torn between the bubbling anger in his stomach for the Goat's apparent rudeness to Elphie and the pity assaulting his chest from the earlier incident. He settled for pity, because he was just a considerate guy like that.

(And okay, he was a little miffed at the green girl for causing him to be stuck in the Closet of Perpetual Boredom for over three hours without so much as a cookie to nibble on.)

The rest of the class chugged by slowly. It was all Yero could do to stay awake; unlike last time, Dillamond followed the school's procedures regarding dismissal after exams- no one was allowed to leave until the entire class had finished. Elphaba had pulled out a book while she waited for the others to finish- her Cosmetology text, by the look of it. He couldn't help noticing, though, that her eyes weren't scanning the page as one usually did while reading. This concerned him a bit, but then again…it was Cosmetology. Maybe she was just looking at the pretty pictures.

He studied her awhile, her features as intoxicating to him as any draft of vodka. Still, he had to get punch-drunk sometime, and his attention wavered. He let his gaze wander aimlessly around the room until he finally noticed Galinda was also there. Well of course she was; her schedule was burned into his brain more than his mother's lyrics (and that, unfortunately, was quite a lot.)

He looked his "girlfriend" over, knowing how the majority of the world viewed her: fair, well-groomed, with a figure most girls would kill to have and other fellows would kill to slip their hands around. But at this moment, he really couldn't tell why. It all seemed so fake and superficial…completely unappealing…

Oz, he had to get out of this freaking closet. Not only was he _thinking_ now, he was also being all perceptive and crap. He was probably going to start using metaphors in a minute. This was, without a doubt, cruel and unusual punishment.

Deciding to make lemons out of lemonade, Fiyero spent the rest of the period making a mental list of other cruel and unusual punishments (hot coals, shopping with Galinda… needles in odd places, trying to converse with Galinda…having to listen to his mother's latest demo nonstop at a record release party, being with Galinda…)

He was just on how annoying it was to have to pick glitter out of his teeth after making out with Galinda and her Princess Sparkle Lip-gloss when he realized that everyone was clearing out of the room, and quite quickly too; apparently Fiyero wasn't the only one who had noticed Dillamond's little snub to Elphie, which they realized could only bode ill for them. The Goat, harassing his favorite student? Oz knew what he'd do to the rest of them!

Galinda in particular seemed in a rush to leave, clearly knowing Dillamond's opinion of her. She hovered over the Elphaba's desk as the other girl slowly collected her belongings, but Elphie waved her off, telling her she'd see her back at the dorm later.

"Oh, but Fifi and I were going out for a coffee to celebrate our first tests being over! I really wanted you to come with us!"

Um, was there another Fifi he didn't know about? Because _Fiyero_ had agreed to no such thing.

"No thank you," Elphie declined politely. "You and Fifi should have some quality time to yourselves."

Okay, now that was just uncalled for.

The two of them left eventually, still bickering over the matter and leaving Fiyero with absolutely nothing to entertain himself now that everyone else had gone too. He hadn't checked the schedule this far ahead, but he was pretty certain no other class was forthcoming by the way Dillamond was just sitting at his desk, his expression a cool mask.

Fiyero turned away from the door, pondering what to do now. He had, of course, skipped breakfast- save his routine cup of hot chocolate- and was starving. On top of this he was bored out of his mind, and- as previously stated- possibly losing air flow to vital organs. Coupled with the fact that he really wasn't all that worried about his disciplinary record –and there wasn't tangible evidence that he had actually done anything _wrong_- he was seriously beginning to wonder why the Quox he was still in this closet.

_Well I suppose I haven't _completely_ thrown away my brainless goal with this little misadventure,_ he thought irritably. He sucked in a breath of air, about to call out when he was cut off by-

-a sob.

Perplexed, Yero peered through the keyhole; Dillamond's face was buried into his desk, quaking shoulders the only indication of his tears save the one gasp of breath. Understandably, the prince was taken aback, and took a step backward out of shock. This- of course- resulted in him knocking his head against a shelf inside the little cupboard, thereby knocking over several expensive-looking glass items and sent them careening to the floor with and audible _crash._

_Okay, you know what? I am marking this date on my calendar, and next year? I'm just staying in freaking bed all day- preferably with Elphie._

He heard Dillamond jump up from his chair…the sound of hoofs scuffing the floor…

"Well, what _have_ we here?" the Goat's voice said- his tone dry though his voice was still congested.

There was a pause, which was filled only by Dillamond's swearing under his breath and a faint tinkling sound- like a key, falling on linoleum because of a lack of opposable thumbs (because, of course he had an extra, or found the one on the floor, or called conjured one up from out of nowhere because the Fates loved to spite him…)

There was a long pause. Then:

"Let the blonde girl go, Master Tiggular."

Fiyero winced as the florescent light flooded his vision for the first time in over four hours. "What blonde?" he asked blankly, shielding his eyes.

Once his pupils had adjusted some, he could see the Goat glowering knowingly at him, and got it.

"Oh, uh…" Fiyero replied awkwardly. "Um, she's not here."

Unconvinced, the Goat pushed him to the side and inspected the closet for himself, careful to step over the glass (and also what appeared to be a petrified muskrat, EW) that littered the ground.

He blinked. "She's really not with you?" he asked blankly.

Fiyero shook his head. "Only seen her twice all day- with little physical contact," he added.

Dillamond raised an eyebrow. "Hold out your arms."

As puzzled as the Goat looked, the prince did as he was bidden. "Um, sir?" he prompted as the professor turned his hands over and lifted up his sleeves, "can I ask what exactly it is that you're doing?"

"No visible answers marked…" he muttered, mostly to himself, "And I'm not much in the mood for a strip search," he added, blanching.

Choosing not to comment on that last remark, Fiyero said assuredly, "The desks closest to the cupboard were all empty, sir. And Boq was the only one who sat there last time and…well, you know…"

"Biq?" Dillamond repeated (well, almost.) "How long have you been in there, Master Tiggular?"

_Six hours, fifteen minutes, thirty-five seconds._ "Awhile," he admitted, scuffing his shoe on the floor.

"So is any explanation forthcoming, or shall I have to prompt for it?"

"Pretty sure you just did," Fiyero replied, unable to help himself. "But um…I was looking for you to uh, ask you a question before the exam?"

Dillamond blinked. "_You_?" he asked in blatant disbelief.

"Um, yeah," Fiyero said, deciding to roll with it. "I went looking for you early this morning- 'cause I mean, no offense, but I don't exactly want it to get out that I care somewhat about my grades and shizk-I mean stuff- and, um, Galinda saw me lurking around your room, so I got all freakified or whatever so I decided to hide in the closet, and it worked only the knob…wouldn't…turn…" he trailed off.

The Goat looked at him skeptically.

"Whatever it _really_ was, did you mean to harm anyone?"

The prince studied the floor. "Not intentionally, no."

"Sabotage any tests?"

"Never, Dr. Dillamond."

"And your father's bank account can cover the cost of my petrified Zacenthan muskrat?"

"Twice over, sir."

The professor rolled his eyes. "Fortunately you've caught me in a forgiving mood, Master Tiggular," he said tiredly. "Far be it to enforce an injustice on another, after-" he broke off.

"You are free to leave," he said simply, gesturing at the door.

Fiyero hurried towards the exit. "Thanks," he said gratefully.

"One last thing-"

Fiyero paused obediently as the Goat scuffled behind his desk, scribbling something.

"-the next time you go to pick Miss Galinda up for- er- _interaction, _could you give these to her roommate?" he handed him two envelopes.

Fiyero tried to ignore the plummeting feeling in his stomach- and not just at the idea of "interacting" with his girlfriend. "Sure, Dr. D," was his breezy reply as he headed towards the door. "Oh, and sir?" he added as he was about to cross the threshold.

"Yes, Master Tiggular?" he replied dryly.

"I hope things get better for you."

The old Goat opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again and said, "I very much appreciate that, Master Tiggular."

And with his wry smile Fiyero knew he had been dismissed.

* * *

**A/N: Constructive (but still positive/polite) criticism greatly appreciated! Again, sorry I kept you waiting so long, it honestly wasn't intentional. In case you were wondering, any made-up names like the Halls or whatever are just random words- no mystery meaning behind them. Anyway: review, please! **


	6. False Fairydust

**Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a fantastical and yet humble authoress who owned Wicked. Then she swore really loudly as the alarm clock woke her up and busted her Glinda-esque bubble.**

**Disclaimer #2: "Refresher" belongs to my former math teacher. I promise that's **_**all**_** I've based off of her.**

Elphaba stormed out into the hallway, livid. How could she have been so stupid? To think some idiotic, egotistical prince would actually care about her feelings. The whole thing was probably just some stupid social experiment; either that or he couldn't see enough of Galinda's cleavage through all that taffeta and wanted a fast-action substitute.

Urgh! She had never been so disgusted with herself, not even when she was eight years old, playing with Nessarose and her father made some remark about how some girls are princesses and some are ogres.

Oh, why was she thinking about that now??? Who even cared?! This wasn't about Frex's lowly opinion of her, it was about finding a way to justify the ridiculous feelings that had been floating around her head over the past twelve hours involving one Fiyero Tiggular! Let's see; a lunar eclipse? Tainted food? Too much stress from exams?

Oh Oz, _exams_!!!!

Elphaba broke out into a dead run, cursing herself as she flew down the halls. Hadn't she learned anything by now? Romance was just a farce made up to make the side-effects of fluctuating hormones more appealing. She'd given up the book genre of it almost as soon as she'd learn to read- every novel seemed the same: some beautiful girl who fancied herself ugly got swept off her feet by a strapping young lad who wouldn't have given her a second glance (or a first, even) in real life. Then said "ugly" maiden would get her moronic self kidnapped in some predictable manner or other, and the Handsome Hero of Hypocrisy would save her from her own dainty inability to think of a plausible escape route.

She had stopped believing in faerie tales long before most girls her age.

Incredibly, Elphaba managed to skid into Ozmotology five minutes late without attracting anyone's attention, save Galinda's (of course).

"What happened?" the blonde pressed as Elphaba slid into the desk opposite her.

She wasn't ready to talk about it yet- particularly not to Galinda. "I could ask you the same question," she replied noncommittally, gesturing towards their classmates, most of whom were laughing uproariously.

"_Oh, Tibby, you're so sexy when you rhyme things!"_

Elphaba glanced around blankly for the source of the noise- it couldn't possibly be the sound system- as Galinda rolled her eyes. "Cropett has gone on a pre-exam rampage," the later told her. "They've taken over the announcements, and apparently set off a stink bomb near Gathea Hall, from what Miss Milla's told me about…"

Elphaba tuned her out, not in the mood to hear about Misses Milla or Shenshen or whoever the shizkin else Galinda had recruited into her Airhead Army. She knew it was hardly fair to blame her roommate for what had happened but she simply couldn't help herself; Galinda was so much smarter than she let on, that she let herself _believe_, and it vexed Elphaba to no end that she had become so obsessed in her quest for a perfect life that she couldn't even tell anything was amiss with hers and Fiyero's relationship, even if the truth was being flaunted right in front of her face. Galinda deserved better, deserved to _be_ better…

"Elphie?" the blonde's voice interrupted her silent fuming.

"_Yes?_" Elphaba asked impatiently, not fully out of her rant.

Galinda blinked at her tone. "My, my," she said coolly, "_someone's_ a might snippy this morning, hmm?"

Elphaba opened her mouth to give an angry retort- possibly even spew out the truth- but the other girl cut her off before she got the chance.

"There, there," she said soothingly, patting a green hand with her own peach one. "It's alright; I know you've been really worrying over TOTOs and been super wound up; I don't blame you for being a little antsy."

Elphaba could have hit her then, she really could. How could she be so ignorant? So completely innocent to everything?

So _blonde?_

She felt as though the pit of her stomach had fallen out as she met her roommate's eyes, so assuring and kind. She couldn't remember the last time anyone, even Nessa, had looked at her like that- and she had almost thrown it away over a _boy?_

Throat dry, she parted her lips to speak but was stopped again before the words could come.

"So where is it?" Galinda wanted to know.

"What?" Elphaba asked in genuine confusion.

"My present, silly!" giggled the other girl. "You went to help Fifi get it, remember?"

And still, in spite of everything, she had to repress a snort at that ludicrous nickname…

"Oh…um…" _distraction, distraction, what's a good distraction?! _"Have I mentioned your shoes are…really…" she forced out the word "_adorable_" as though it were coated with arsenic.

Galinda squealed. "Really? I was worried the baby-dolls didn't really compliment-" she interrupted herself. "Wait a minute- since when do _you_ take note of fashion?"

Great. _Now_ she's perceptive. "I don't," she replied, trying to sound casual. "My family just has this thing about shoes, you know how attached Nessa is to that pair Father gave her…"

"Oh, riiiiiiiight; and orange is the new pink!"

Galinda, using sarcasm; oh yes, there _had_ to be some weird astrological alignment fueling this apparent lack of sanity that had flooded over the school.

Fortunately, before the conversation could continue their teacher called the class to order.

"Okie-doke, my folk!" Professor Vaca called out. "Now that we've had our little giggle-gaggle for the morning, let's get started, shall we? Or does anyone need a quick refresher on the course material?"

"Refresher" is _not_ a word! Elphaba longed to snap at her, sidetracked bad mood coming back in full force. All Animal politics aside, Vaca was a dolt. She insisted on trying to be a "fresh" teacher, using her own made up words as slang that assaulted the Ozian language even worse than that drivel her peers "usifed." Not even the other students liked her, apparently having enough dignity to not appreciate being spoken to like a seven-year-old.

When no one asked any questions, the Cow cheerily distributed the test and then returned to her desk, pulling out a copy of _Ozmo_. Though, Elphaba noted cryptically, why anyone would still be interested in Quoxis Milton's stint in the Wizard's dungeon was beyond her.

She disinterestedly flipped open her packet, the wish that she was more focused on the test tugging at her heart strings. As it stood, she could only contend with her ever-increasing fury at Fiyero.

She tried pushing her rather morbid fantasies of death scenarios involving the Prince (most of them including crows and/or matches, oddly enough) out of her mind and started reading the passage in front of her.

_**Read the following excerpt from "The Legend of Befelle de Verde" and answer the questions bellow. **_

_**Befelle de Verde was from a remote village in the Vinkus. When she was born she had a large facial deformity across her face, now believed to be caused by alcohol consumption by her mother while pregnant. The scar tissue, however, was viewed by the tribe as a bad omen. Befelle's father, Feldspar, was the leader of the tribe and in fear of losing his political status shunned his daughter vehemently. In fact, the only reason he did not drown Befelle as a babe was because her mother begged him not to. He often repeated this story to his daughter, so much so that she gained an irrational fear of water.**_

_Well, isn't _that_ cheery?_ Elphaba thought dryly.

_**Befelle was kept in obscurity inside the family hut (and out of the judgmental eye of the villagers) for the majority of her childhood. It wasn't until her sister, Jenelle, was accepted to a private school in the Emerald City that she really had a chance to experience the world around her. As devoted to his younger offspring as he was abusive to the eldest, Feldspar fretted that men might prey on Jenelle's naiveté and beauty. Too cheap to acquire a servant to chaperone her, he decreed Befelle would also enroll at Zihs Academy. **_

_**It was there that Befelle discovered many talents that had been repressed during her many years of seclusion; she was the most gifted sorcery student the school had received in a century and was completely devoted to Life Sciences, declaring it to be her passion. The only time she ever claimed to struggle with it was while studying Animal anatomy, not understanding the need for such creatures to have to speak. While such theories are beginning to be discredited- **_

Discredited?! _Discredited?!_ This was ludicrous! What was political propaganda doing on a test??? Had Vaca even _read_ this cowshizkin before she had distributed it?!

Ew. _Cowshizkin. _She had made a _pun. _AAAARGH!!!

Focus, dammit. Focus, focus, focus…

_**-the current studies of the time were explained to her by Cervello Arcel, third in line for the current throne of the Vinkus.**_

_Which, obviously, means he was a self-serving, spoiled, idiot. He probably never even knew what the theories were, just wrote them on the back of his hand while simultaneously trying to get under her skirts because he was TOO MUCH OF A PERV TO CARE ABOUT HER SK- facial deformity. _

Elphaba tried to calm herself, feeling her chest heave unnaturally fast. She couldn't lose it now, not during a test, not _this_ test. So what if one of his ancestors was on here? Who cared? It just meant it was more comprehensive, since it was clear by blood link that the biggest word in Cervello's vocabulary was his name.

Which, admittedly, was more lengthy a word than most of her peers at Shiz could pronounce. But whatever.

_**Cervello- or just "Vello," as he insisted she call him, not only helped Befelle to understand these principals but also co-authored her thesis on the anatomy of Lion Cubs, which one the Garland Prize in its field. This achievement gained the attention of the newest Ozma (the Wondrous, though some older texts state it was the Marvelous). She kept a close eye on Befelle after that and kept written correspondence with the dean of Zihs regarding her activities.**_

_Which isn't even mildly creepy,_ thought Elphaba, unnerved.

_**After their Lion Cub triumph, Cervello made several advances towards a romantic relationship-**__ ( I wonder if he ever lured _her _into a closet to sooth his perverted wiles? Probably; men are all the same- wretched)- __**but Befelle because he was betrothed to a lady called Sarlinda Uproot, who coincidently happened to be Befelle's best friend.**_

Elphaba tried her best to ignore how coincidental the situation _really _was.

_**Eventually, the Ozma summoned de Verde to her palace, offering her a position in the royal court. Given that the job majored in sorcery, Befelle politely declined, explaining that Life Sciences was her preferred field of study. **_

_What an idiot. If the Wizard offered me a position like that I wouldn't care if it involved standing out all day in the rain- unless it somehow compromised my principals… _

_**At an most odd turn of events, Ozma the Wonderous/Marvelous had also requested Cervello to serve as part of the Gale Squad (he was rumored to have more muscles than the Mythical Sea)- **_

_That must be genetic too…NO I DID NOT JUST THINK THAT! FOCUS THROPP, __FOCUS! __Besides, it probably wasn't a coincidence at all; __he most likely stalked her and tried to get her to go with him to the Royal Bedchamber. Men are such SWINE!_

_No offense to Pigs…_

_**-and ran into Befelle just as she was leaving the Great Hall. She tried to exchange casual pleasantries with him, but he would have none of it, declaring in what many historical fan girl nerds say was the sexiest voice ever-**_

Elphaba blinked and reread that sentence again.

_**- declaring that it was time for her to stop acting so, as the current Ozway show "The Valiant de Verde" show depicts it, "high and mighty that your upturned nose inhales a cloud."**_

_**Needless to say, Befelle took great offense to this statement and, dropping all note of dignity, told him to "close your royal mouth before you get a royal bruise to match it."**_

The green girl decided she very much liked this legend…

_**They got into a very heated argument, each claiming the other was being ridiculous towards their romantic situation. Befelle, in tears, vehemently denied having any feelings for him, saying that he was Sarlinda's fiancé and that therefore he **_**had **_**to love her, whether he wanted to or not; Cervello not only outright told her that the odds of his loving Sarlinda were "the same as (him) denying oxygen to (his) brainstem"-**_

_Very good odds then,_ thought Elphaba, but her heart wasn't in it, and her eyes rapidly scanned the page for more of the historic soap opera.

-_**but also claimed he could never stand to marry Uproot, no matter what their families said. Then he sank to his knees, fumbling with his coat pocket and **_(in spite of herself, Elphie held her breath) _**pulled out what is said to have been the most beautiful emerald in all of Oz, set on a solid gold band.**_

_**It was an engagement ring.**_

Elphaba felt something hard jab her in the leg; she looked up, blinking, to find Galinda staring wide-eyed at her. The green girl mouthed, _What?_, curious to what could have ever made the blonde seem so awestruck.

Galinda glanced around, then tore a bit of paper off her scratch and scribbled a note down, passing it over to the other girl's desk.

_You __squealed._

Mortified, Elphaba quickly shook her head in denial of such an uncharacteristic loss of control of her vocal cords and hurriedly went back to the passage, trying to clear her head of all emotions.

The word _try_ not necessarily meaning _succeed _in this instance.

_**Befelle crumbled to the ground beside him, unable to hold back her true feelings anymore; sobbing, she accepted, speculating on what great lives they would live together, working together to help invent medicines, cure diseases- Cervello interrupted her. Curing diseases? But it had been all over Oz that the Ozma had offered her a job on her staff as a sorceress. **_

_**The third heir of the Vinkus stared in horror at his love as she explained that the Ozma had done just that, but she had turned down the job. Being from such humble and secluded beginnings, she couldn't have known the penalty of defying the will of an Ozma-**_

"Death," whispered Elphaba, suddenly remembering. She bit her lip, not even bothering to look around to see if she had been overheard, and continued reading.

_**At first Befelle couldn't believe it; why had she let her go free if she had earned such a drastic punishment? Vello tired to explain that she had probably been too shocked to stop her then, but at any moment the Royal Guard might come to arrest her. Almost as if on cue, the pair heard yelling and pounding footsteps- footsteps that fell so heavy on the ground that they could only have been from the kick-acid boots of the Gale Squad! WAHOO, FACIST FASHION!!!**_

Elphaba blinked. She really _shouldn't_ have stayed up so late studying…

_**The pair of them ran down the hall, Vello quickly whispering instructions as they went. She was to transport herself to the central part of the Vinkus- he would arrange for some of his loyal contacts to take care of her there. Though terrified of having to once again be secluded, she pushed aside her fear long enough to through her arms around her love and share a heated, impassioned kiss with him that was said to blow steam out of his ears before magically teleporting herself as he had told her.**_

She re-read the paragraph; yes, the test really _did_ say the thing about the steam in his ears. Obviously, Ozians were paying far too much in education taxes.

_**Befelle found Vello's contacts and was relocated to a long-deserted castle. Meanwhile, in the Emerald City, Sarlinda threw a ridiculously large and expensive party to celebrate Cervello's appointment to the Gale Squad- and their engagement. There was so much money in the hole and so many people in attendance that Vello couldn't tell her the truth without permanently shattering her social standing. Too much of a gentleman to tell her even afterward, Cervello Arcel broke his promise and married Sarlinda Uproot.**_

_**Fortunately (or Un, depending on how you construe it), Befelle was too isolated for the news of her lover's betrayal to reach her; in her remote state, she had time to construct and test out many different hypotheses, eventually coming up with a long-sought after cure for Animal fleas. Her allies quickly distributed the tonic amongst the then-flourishing Animals of the Vinkus; the results were near miraculous. The almost-plague was all but wiped out in four weeks; everyone demanded to know what brilliant scholar had concocted such a break through. Eventually, the public managed to trace it back to Arcel's servants and assumed with Cervello's scientific background he must have been the creator.**_

_**For Befelle's own safety, he could not deny this claim, but their were so many prescriptions to fill and the shipping wait from Befelle's hiding spot was so long that medical companies started to trail Vello's private train car in order to find his supply holder. Eventually, the truth behind the inventor had to come to light.**_

_**Of course, Befelle was summoned once again to the Ozma's Chamber. Shackled and flanked by two armed guards, she was thrust before the royal court- Cervello tried right beside her for the aiding of a fugitive.**_

_**It was the first time the two had seen each other in over half a year.**_

_**After a long, tantalizing afternoon of moral debate- give special treatment to a convict or deny millions of innocents relief to their aliment?- the jury decided on the usual mortal punishment. However, Ozma the Wondrous/Marvelous overruled them, granted Befelle a full pardon for her selfless work towards the good of her fellow Ozians. Arcel, she also decreed, would be cleared of his crimes as well, if only because he was married to the Royal Interior Decorator, Sarlinda.**_

_**Agape at this statement, Befelle turned towards her former lover with pleading eyes, as though she could will it not to be true. He only studied the floor, as the oblivious Ozma continued to pronounce that she would work as a veterinarian for her pet monkeys and be christened a Lady of her Order.**_

_**As the Gale Officers were untying her, Befelle delivered the first line in her famous "No Good Deed" speech.**_

_**"Tending to some ice-cold, shapeless figure of tyranny's primates after she's made my life a living hell for the past eight months? Not a chance."**_

_**The Court, understandably, stared at her in shocked silence.**_

_**"I have done nothing wrong in my life other than embracing the way I am- living as though I were a **_**human being,**_** not just a foreshadow of poor tidings as my parents thought. I followed my heart, seeing past other's expectations of me and taking my life choices into my own hands, to do as **_**I**_** see fit, not just what the majority expected.**_

_**"However, I did nothing to **_**harm**_** the majority; I only tried to help. I chose healing and science over glamorous parlor tricks because **_**I **_**thought it for the greater good. Because I wanted to truly **_**help **_**people.**_

_**"But **_**you!**_** You couldn't see any of that, could you? You heartless shrew, you only wanted to use me for your own gain. Is that leadership? To weigh your own will and reputation over your people's need for my potential- what field I really love and am **_**good**_** for! You forced me to take my cause underground, to fight for my life and my passion, sacrificing a whole **_**life **_**I could have had, a family-" she choked.**_

_**"All I ever wanted in life was to help others- to do good. But I guess it is as my sister told me the tribal elders always said: No good deed goes unpunished.**_

_**But I have lived out my punishment! I am pardoned, but not by the farce of this court room! I am going to live my life, damn it all, and not by what a pompous ingrate like you instructs me to do. You could not see me for what I am until I was successful; now you offer me this pitiful bargain to raise your social stature. I **_**spit**_** on your offer, whether you condemn me for it or not. I have taken all the sacrifices for my good deeds that I can stand, and I'd rather die and never commit another one again than have to pay the price of it! No good deed goes unpunished, and no good life goes un-spared!"**_

_**Befelle de Verde was taken to the smallest, dingiest cell in the castle dungeon as she awaited execution. Normally under such circumstances she would merely be hanged, but the Ozma's dignity was so shattered by her rant that she had arranged for a tank to be brought into the city square for a public drowning, since Befelle's fear of water had been quite common knowledge during her school years. **_

_**Despite the many witnesses to her death, de Verde's body has never been located. Some speculate the Gale Force was instructed to burn it, scattering the ashes over the Emerald City in a display of warning to those who would defy Ozian royalty. Cervello's body also has not been found; it is believed by many that he hung himself sometime after Befelle's death.**_

_**Others, however, speculate that he- as a member of the Force, which he still was due to his swallowed tongue and the influence of his wife- snuck a trapdoor in the bottom of the tank, therefore somehow allowing Befelle to breathe. Once her "corpse" was collected, she supposedly stole away when know one was looking and fled to Quox along with Arcel, living- as the naïve might put it- happily ever after.**_

_**Such theories, however, have only been rated with a 5 percent chance of likelihood**_

_**Please answer the following questions on the above passage to the best of your abil-**_

That was _it_?! Elphaba was appalled. She did so much, fought so hard, then most likely died over a trumped-up charge with no justice whatsoever? And what about Cervello? Clearly, in both versions of the epilogue showed that he had loved her-

"Despite being married to Sarlinda- fancy that," the Little Voice from the previous evening whispered, unbidden, into her ear.

_Do not try to make this about me and Fiyero,_ Elphaba ordered it waspishly. _I am trying to take a test here._

"No, you're not, you're trying to sort out your feelings towards the Washboard Abs of the West."

_Must you be so vulgar? And I most certainly am not; I've been making an idiot out of myself for long enough. I couldn't care less about Yero Tiggular- or his abs, washboard though they may be._

"Really?" the Voice sounded amused. "Then why did you call him 'Yero' just then? Or why do you care so much about one little fable? All these people have been dead for centuries, it shouldn't effect you in any way."

_I thought it a very interesting storyline and-_

"Cowshizkin. You can't stand romance unless it's your own- which you've made a pretty big mess of, by the way."

_Stop it. Fiyero doesn't love me, he doesn't care about Galinda's dignity, he's not about to hide me from an angry mob-_

"Only because your avocado ass hasn't done anything to piss people off that bad. Yet."

_Am I repressing my inner crudeness, too? Also-' yet?'_

"Whoopsie, I did that ominous foreshadowing thing again, so sorry; just ignore me and read over the exam like a good little nerd."

Scowling, Elphaba leaned over her desk again, eyes scanning the first question.

_**What do you think is the main theme of the section?**_

_**a. No good deed goes unpunished**_

_**b. Follow your passion, no matter what the cost**_

_**c. Love with all you have while you can, for you never know when it can be taken from you**_

_**d. Don't be born with a physical defect**_

"I'd go with the last one, wouldn't you?" Little Voice teased.

Elphaba ignored the jibe. _They're all valid points, _she mused. _How am I supposed to know what's right?_

Little Voice chuckled. "You have multiple choices: pick the one you think is best, and hope everything turns out alright."

Elphaba blinked.

"If you do not get the symbolism there, I may have to slap you."

Cracking a smile, the green girl picked up her pencil and started to work.

* * *

**A/N:…..Okay, normally I would never be this forthright, but PLEASE tell me you liked it guys, I worked SO HARD on this chapter- maybe a little **_**too**_** hard, even, when it comes to meaningful names (PM me if you want to know how I got the names "Befelle" and all that, it's too complicated to go into here).Thanks so much to LostOzian, Melody, and all other contributors who got me through this- couldn't have done it without you, I really mean it.**

**Alright, this is starting to feel like an overdone acceptance speech now, so just PLEASE review :)**


	7. Coffee, Corsets, & Cheesedoodles, Oh My!

**Disclaimer: Despite what she wrote in her review last chapter, TheTeapotBanditofCandyland and I **_**totally**_** did not spend two hours debating over the content of ONE SENTENCE last chapter. It was more like an hour and a half….**

**Oh, wait- you meant about me not owning Wicked? Uh, yeah…that too…**

Never in her wildest dreams could Elphaba have imagined anyone being able to move so fast in a pair of blue, baby-doll ballerina flats two sizes too small.

But Galinda Upland clearly wasn't just anyone.

"What _was_ that back there?" she cried, digging her falcon-worthy manicure into a green arm.

"Ow!" Elphie yelped as the two of them started towards Dr. Dillamond's room. "What are you on about?!"

"What am I- you _squealed, _Elphaba! I didn't even know your throat could coax out such a sound!"

"Well I didn't know you actually understood what 'coax' _meant_, so I guess we're even."

"_Elphie._"

"Look, there was an insect on my desk, I panicked," she replied waspishly .

"_You?_" Galinda asked in disbelief. "The girl who killed a spider without even thinking about it and dangled the heinous thing over my head every chance you got back when we still hated each other?"

"I never did that." _More than once. _"Besides, spiders aren't insects, they're arachnids."

"Will you please stop reminding me that I'm about to fail this test and stay on topic?"

"Gee, I don't know if I'll be able to do that, seeing as there is no topic to discuss."

Galinda would _not_ be deterred. "I heard you whispering to yourself once," she said concernedly. "Are you turning into Boq?"

"Well I generally don't practice incest, so no," Elphaba retorted, quickening her pace.

"_Generally?!_" the blonde screeched.

"Oh, Galinda please!" Elphaba snapped disgustedly. "I have enough on my mind, I don't need this meddlesome badgering!"

The other girl blinked. "Badgering?" she repeated. "I thought you were against Animal slander."

Elphaba allowed herself a vexed noise before taking a _deep breath _and asking with forced lightness, "So, what did you think of the test?"

Galinda rolled her eyes. "Elphie, it was a _test_. It was _boring_, just like every other test."

"Oh?" She ought to have dropped the subject, but for some reason tentatively pressed on. "I thought that one passage about the Befelle girl-"

She was cut off by a trademark squeal. "Oooh, you got the de Verde legend?" Galinda gushed. "I _love_ that story- except that Sarlinda wretch, I mean what a doltish little hussy, keeping them apart like that! But anyway, I got Charlie Arcel, Cervello's brother? I think they did a theme of Vinkus royalty this year, oh-" she giggled "brainless though he may be, Fifi ought to be able to pass _this_ test!"

Ignoring the way her stomach turned at this statement- she really _shouldn't_ have substituted the olive oil into her breakfast that morning- Elphaba made some cryptic excuse about wanting to get to class early and hurried ahead.

Nothing could have been further from the truth, however. Elphaba kept her head down as she entered the classroom, her long, annoying hair falling into her face as she scurried towards her desk, not even bothering to greet Dr. Dillamond as she usually did. She would _not _allow herself to look at that closet, no matter how much her traitorous eyes tried to drift towards it…

The actual exam was a relief; science, facts, things that actually _made sense._ She took it slowly, savoring each chemical formula like a breath of relief- an escape to normalcy. Still, despite her sluggish pace she was still the first one to finish her test.

She walked as quickly as she could to Dillamond's desk, almost as though she were trying to outrun the thoughts that must surely come now that she had nothing to distract herself. In fact, she was so intent on doing so literally that she nearly tripped over the desk, just managing to grab hold of its edges in time so that her head merely bobbled forward slightly.

Dr. Dillamond, surprisingly, gave her A Look. "Now that you seem to have _centered_ yourself, Miss Thropp," he muttered with cool formality that was most unlike him, "would you kindly turn in your test and have a seat?"

Elphie blinked as she straightened back up. "Oh, well, yes but I was just-" she whispered, but he waved a hoof at her in silent dismissal. She walked back to her seat, confused and a bit stung.

Well, whatever! She was sick of men anyway-er, Animals. Males. What she really needed, she declared with finality, was a good shot of estrogen.

(And anyway, she'd never pass Cosmetology at this rate she was going, especially not after a wasting an entire night of quizzing on-)

She pulled out her text in order to block further thoughts of the Forbidden One out of her mind. For a good two minutes.

Well she couldn't help it if the proper technique for giving a manicure interested her as much as gouging her eyes out with a nail file!

Elphaba fidgeted; she felt almost claustrophobic, like someone was watching her. She was used to being stared at, what with her skin the way it was, but everyone here had gotten so used to it she couldn't imagine why they'd choose to do goggle at it _now_, with the biggest examination of their lives going on. Obviously, they were idiots, but they weren't _that_ brainl-stupid.

She _knew_ she was being irrational- nobody was looking at her, nobody _cared_ enough to look at her- but still, she tentatively lowered the pink text and glanced around. Everyone _was_ staring at her- and then at the Goat, and then at her again. Apparently she wasn't the only one to have picked up on Dr. Dillamond's odd mood- how unusually perceptive of them. She shrugged it off as yet another side effect of the Planetary PMS that was making everyone act so insane.

Deciding it would be best to at least _pretend_ she was reading, that way she wouldn't run the risk of her eyes trespassing into forbidden areas, Elphaba picked up her textbook again and stared at the many ridiculous coiffures for the next hour and a half, hoping that she would actually _learn_ some of the course material- if only by osmosis.

This suited her well enough until her eyelids began to droop. Perfect. She had stayed up past midnight- not to mention been roused by Galinda at three in the morning after she had gone prancing about with that CD and forgotten her key- it was no wonder she was so tired. Now, ten minutes before class was out, she was dozing off at her desk, knowing she was going to have to get up again too soon to really fall asleep- and as a plus, every time she closed her eyes that prince's idiotic, handsome face flitted across her pupils like a cinema show.

Aggravated, Elphaba bent down to stick her book back in the satchel, but the zipper jammed. After a few moments tussle with it, she managed to thrust her book in its proper place, but in the process she let her guard down and caught a glimpse of the Forbidden Zone.

Her eyes were now glued to that stupid closet.

It looked the same as it always had; an Oakwood door with a rusty handle and key lock on it. It was just a dumb piece of wood hinged into an opening in the wall; there was no reason for her chest to close up like this as she stared at her, for her heart to start racing, her mouth to go dry…

There was nothing anymore special about that closet, other than a boy had wrapped his arms around her for the first time. But so what? That was all just sentimental drivel- and she'd never been a very sentimental woman. With parents like hers, it simply wasn't in her genes. Who was even counting how many times she had been touched by the opposite sex? Milestones were idiotic things to remember.

And yet…and yet…

She missed him. Looking at that pathetic place for storing whatever cheap excuses for supplies the school board decided to throw to the Science Department, she realized she wished she had stayed in it a little longer, let him touch her a little more…

….with his perverted little fingers that only wanted to crop a feel. Oz, she was an idiot. She had fallen in love with the Prince of the Vinkus, just like every other ditzy little debutante who went to Shiz. She was a freaking fangirl, no better than the rest of them. Her emerald skin crawled just at the thought.

_Well, no matter,_ she thought firmly, turning away. She'd just avoid him at all costs, and hopefully the feeling would disappear eventually. Just stay away from him.

_Which, considering his dating my roommate, ought to be quite easy,_ she realized hopelessly.

Before she knew it class was dismissed, and Galinda was hovering around her desk like a bothersome blonde rain-cloud.

"Hurry up," she urged as Elphaba gathered up her things.

"You go on ahead if your in such a rush," the green girl replied calmly. "I'll meet you back at the dorm later."

Galinda pouted in a matter that Elphaba supposed was intended to dissuade her. "Oh, but Fifi and I were going out for a coffee to celebrate our first tests being over! I really wanted you to come with us!"

_Ah, damn. No, it's fine. Just a little temptation, I can handle it. _"No thank you," she declined politely. "You and Fifi should have some quality time to yourselves."

Oh, Oz, did she just _say_ that??? And with a straight face????

Galinda shook her curls, making her blonde curls toss every which way. "We _always _have quality time, just like you and _I_ always have quality time- but we never do it _together_!"

"Um, it's called a third wheel, perhaps you've heard of it?" Elphaba asked, standing up.

The blonde laughed. "Why on earth would someone put three wheels on anything?"

Elphie sighed, and spent the walk back to their room explaining the concept to her friend, swiftly dodging further café invitations as she went.

* * *

Okay. So, as a newly freed man, it was important that Fiyero reflect on the current priorities in his life and put them in order. 

"Why are you scarfing down that bag of cheesedoodles like a rabid dog?" his roommate asked as he walked into their shared suite.

Fiyero scowled at him. "I'll have you know," he said, sucking the orange powder off his fingers, "I suffered a near-death experience today, uh-"

"Minoroscar-Celebus," he supplied, scowling. "Honestly, Fiyero- we've been roommates for over a month, don't you know my name by _now_?"

"It's _too_ _long_," the Prince complained as he rummaged through the plastic bag, in search of any stray doodles that might have slipped past him. "Can't I just give you a nickname, or something?"

"Like?" the other boy prompted.

"I dunno," he replied absently. "Minor OC?"

"That'll work," the newly christened munchkin decided, sitting down next to his roommate. "So how'd you almost die?" he asked casually, gesturing for him to pass some junk food over.

"I got trapped in a closet for over six hours on an empty stomach with little air and only perverted thoughts to keep me occupied," Yero proudly declared, passing him an unopened bag of pretzels as he did so.

"Wow," Minor OC marveled, opening it and popping a salty snack into his mouth, "You're my hero."

"I know," he replied easily, leaning back into the recliner. "Now I have to just sort out my increasingly ludicrous romantic situation, and all will be well."

"Oh, speaking of, Miss Shenshen dropped by earlier," Minor OC stated, blushing slightly. "She said Miss Galinda will be expecting you in about thirty minutes for your date."

Fiyero let out an annoyed breath of air. "_Greaaaaaaaaaat,_" he declared, not bothering to keep his voice down.

"Um, yeah," OC said uncertainly as Fiyero stood up. "Where are you going?" he added tentatively.

"To provide myself with the energy to get through a night that may or may not involve enraged balls of pink fluff hurling steaming hot liquids at me in the event I break up with her."

Minor OC stared at him with wide eyes. "So to the kitchen nook, then, for extra gummy animals?"

"Duh."

* * *

Sometimes, she really wondered why she put up with this. 

"AACK!" Galinda cried, throwing yet another pile of taffeta onto her bed- where, due to the force of inertia of all the _other_ items she had deposited onto her Little Plush Mountain, it collapsed to the floor. "_WHY_ DON'T I HAVE ANYTHING TO _WEAR_???"

"Because the Gale Force came in the night, took your wardrobe, and clothed all of the impoverished in Oz and all its neighboring countries!" Elphaba called back, pulling a pair of fuchsia pantyhose off of the book she was reading.

"Well they could have taken the tacky stuff, it's not as though they know the difference!" Galinda projected, still foraging through the confines of the closet.

Elphaba sighed. "You own more clothing than most marketplaces in central Oz; just _pick_ something."

Galinda stormed out of the closet, looking highly affronted. "I cannot just _pick something_, Elphie," she informed her roommate tartly. "I want to look intelligent, since I just finished testing, yet also dress in a way that appeals to my feminine charms and build, plus I have to wear something that coffee won't stain in case I get too excited."

"But I thought brown was your worst color," Elphaba objected confusedly, her loathing for Cosmetology deepening further.

"It is, silly!" she giggled, back in the closet now. "That's what makes this so difficult!"

Rolling her eyes, Elphaba was about to pick up her book again when a knock came forth from the door.

"Oh Oz, what's he doing here?!" Galinda cried, half-dressed. "Elphie, get that, would you please?"

_Shizkin._ Warily, Elphaba made sure her bookmark was still in place before slowly walking towards the door. _Just act natural_, she coached herself, _and everything will turn out fine._

She swallowed, fingers quivering in spite of herself as she twisted the door handle and-

"Oh," she said, taking a step back in relief. "It's just you."

Nessarose scowled up at her. "Yes, _just me_," she retorted sharply. "Such a pleasant greeting from my loving, one and only sister,"

"That you know of," she retorted, closing the door behind them as Nessa rolled into the room. "You seem a mite cranky today, Sissy Dear-didn't you get enough sleep? How long did you stay up playing with your Boqie Doll?"

Nessarose narrowed her baggy eyes. "I went to bed at one," she said defiantly, then added under her breath, "Till five."

"Uh-huh," Elphaba concluded grimly.

The crippled girl scowled at her. "I was _going_ to give you a present," she replied stiffly. "But if you're going to be like _that_…"

Before her sister could retort Galinda pranced out, a vision in a smartly-cut jacket-dress, similar to the one she had worn on their first day at Shiz- though this one was navy. Her shoes, earbobs, and necklace were all white, which contrasted very nicely with the blood red lipstick she had coated her mouth with.

"What do you think?" the blonde asked, twirling them the full effect.

"I think you could pull off a paper bag, and worse still you know it," was Elphaba's tart answer, her version of a compliment. "Now just be content with what you have on and stop burying the room in cashmere, you'll give me a rash."

"Well fine, if you're going to be cross about it," she replied primly, smoothing her skirt. "Oh, hello, Nessarose, didn't hear you come in," she added brightly, looking up.

"Miss Galinda," she nodded at her. "Would you be a dear and fish the garment bag out of the holding compartment under my chair?"

"Garment bag?" Elphaba repeated as Galinda complied.

"Yes," Nessarose sniffed, still a little defensive. "I was rather drained after a grueling day of exams, so I thought I'd partake in a little retail-therapy."

"Retail-?" Elphaba broke off, whirling on her roommate. "Have you been corrupting her with this nonsense?"

"Honestly, Elphie, hasn't anyone ever told you how unbecoming paranoia is?" Galinda replied, shaking her head.

"No, surprisingly enough people tend to dwell on the skin and the attitude before they can get around to that."

"If you two are _quite_ finished," broke in Nessarose, annoyed. The pair rolled their eyes at each other before returning their attention to the crippled girl.

"Thank you," said Nessa primly. "As I was saying, I decided to go shopping after a long day of testing, and while I was at a certain boutique browsing for myself, I saw this darling little outfit that was far too tall for me but would be perfect for Elphaba's build, so I bought it."

"How did you even get off campus?" Elphaba demanded, completely ignoring the sisterly gesture. "It's only Friday afternoon, we're not allowed to roam off the grounds till noon tomorrow-"

Fortunately for Nessarose, Galinda's screech cut her off before any feeble excuses could be made.

"Oh my Oz!" she cried, holding a bundle of fabric in her dainty little hands; apparently the temptation to see what Nessa had purchased was too much for her. "Where did you _get_ this, Nessarose, it's-it's- oh Oz, are you _sure_ you could only find it in Elphie's size?!"

"Vivan's Silence," Nessa supplied, then added glumly, "And yes, I triple checked, they didn't have any for people under 5'8."

"Dammit!" the blonde swore, still enthralled in the clothing she held.

"_What_ are you on about?" Elphaba snarled, snatching the thing out of her roommate's grip. She paled beneath her green skin.

"Now Elphie," Galinda cautioned, fixing the green girl with a tentative stare, "Don't overreact here. Nessarose did you a very kind favor by purchasing this very fine present for-"

"A _corset_?!" Elphaba gaped, a mask of horror written across her face. "You bought me a freaking _corset_?!?!"

"It's not a corset!" Nessarose returned hotly, "It's a bustier! With a respectable, knee-length film skirt with it! I thought the lilac suited your coloring very nicely, and it probably compliments certain- er, features to greater effect-"

Elphaba felt frozen, blankly running her thumbnail across the bodice's sequined neckline, the gauzy skirt tickling her arm. She held it outstretched, pinching it between her fingers as though it were diseased.

"Oh, Elphie, don't be so melodramatic," Galinda said impatiently. "Try thing on, at least."

The eldest Thropp sister jerked out of her revere. "No," she said, gaining steam. "No bloody way am I putting this- this- _undergarment _on with you around; I can hear you trilling in my ears this minute- it'll be the headline on next issue of _Ozsmopolitan; _"Green Girl Gets Girdle- turn to page 10 for more details!"

"More like: 'Walking Venus Flytrap- Medical Miracle or Sign of the Apocalypse?" She hunched her purse-strap more securely over her shoulder. " Well be like that then,I'm running late anyhow- but show it to Nessa, at least. And I want an artist's rendering by this time tomorrow!"

She gave them a quick wave before hurrying out the door. Scowling as though she had a bad taste in her mouth, Elphaba reached for the bag and made to drop the lingerie back from whence it came, but Nessa snatched to back before she had the chance.

"Uh-uh-uh!" the crippled girl chided. "You heard Miss Galinda; now be a good big sis and model for widdle Nessawose."

"You make me put that on and I'll tell the whole school about your little Makeup Meltdown last night," she informed her blandly, beginning to fold the bustier at arm's length.

"You wouldn't dare!" Nessa cried defiantly.

"Wouldn't I?" Elphaba challenged, raising an eyebrow.

"You do that and I'll-I'll-" she fumbled for a moment, then grinned triumphantly. "I'll write to Father!"

She had her there."You'd tell Father that you held a boy hostage in your dorm room for over six hours?" her sister bluffed.

"It doesn't have to be about _that_," Nessa contracted. "Shizkin, all I have to do is say I pricked my finger while you were in the room and he'd yank you out of here."

Elphaba glared down at her in cold fury, but was unable to argue with such a bold truth. "Well at least turn around!" she snapped, unable to think of a better comeback.

Smirking, Nessarose did as she was bidden and waited for the finished result.

* * *

He glanced at the clock again. "Five minutes, thirty two seconds," he called out. 

"Shizkin!" was Fiyero's dignified response.

Minor OC looked up from his Mathematics book. "Are you sure it's the best idea to wait until the literal last second to pick her up?"

The Prince stumbled into the room, pulling his trousers up as he went. "_Yes_," he replied, yanking angrily at his belt buckle. "The less time I have to spend with that blonde nightmare, the better."

"Passing over the fact that you just insulted every heterosexual male on campus' dream girl, don't you think it would be better just to show up quicker and get it over with?"

"Um, I'm sorry, when did I reach that level of maturity?" Fiyero retorted, straightening his shirttails.

OC shrugged. "Whatever," he said dismissively, flipping a page. "It'll give you more time in her dorm while she gets ready, plus you can flirt with her roommate, since it's obvious that's who your _really _crushing on."

Fiyero tripped over his own feet, gripping the counter for support. "_H-how the Quox did you know that_?!" he stammered.

His roommate's neck cracked as he whipped around in his chair. "Dude, joke much?!" he cried. "Are you seriously telling me your dumping _Galinda Upland_ for-"

"SHHH!" Fiyero chastened, throwing his arm over the other boy's mouth. "You _know_ those preppy freaks have ears _everywhere_!"

"Right, sorry," Minor OC said hastily. "But _Oz_- what do you guys smoke in the Vinkus?"

"Green tea leaves-I guess it's an aphrodisiac," he said, managing to keep a straight face.

OC shook his head. "You are deep in it, Tiggular," he pronounced solemnly.

Fiyero sombered. "Don't I know it," he replied, before starting out the door.

* * *

"I hate you." 

"_Elphaba._ Get out from under the bed, you're being ludicrous."

"Says the girl who forcibly abducted and cross dressed the supposed love of her life?"

"Well I'd do the same to you, but unfortunately ties seem to be the one article of clothing Galinda has not littered the closet with, so just come out."

"I hate you."

"I heard; wouldn't you like to show me the terrorizing glare you've surely got plastered all over your face?"

Grudgingly, Elphaba propped her chin over the side of the bed. "There, you've seen it. Now make a big production of how fearful you are and then leave me to my droll, unchanging wardrobe."

"_Fabala_."

"_Rosie_."

The girl in the wheelchair let out an aggravated sigh, glancing heavenward. As she turned towards her sister again, something registered within the corner of her vision. "My, my," she commented smoothly. "Miss Galinda seems to have forgotten her hat."

Elphie narrowed an eyebrow. "So?" she asked guardedly.

"Oh, well, nothing really," Nessa continued coolly, "It's just…well surely she's going to comeback for it- goodness knows she can't bear to flounce about with an accessory missing- so it wouldn't it be better for you to just show me now, in case she walks in on us?"

The green girl eyed her suspiciously. "Is this a farce?" she questioned bluntly.

Nessarose held up the dainty headdress as evidence.

Taking a deep breath, Elphaba slowly inched out from behind her mattress. The filmy skirt had gotten tangled around her legs when she had crouched down; she took greatest care and sluggishness to unwrinkle it. Then, with deep mortification, she straightened, standing at her full height in front of her sister.

"Oh, _Elphaba_," Nessarose breathed.

"Shut up," she snapped, embarrassed, and began fumbling with the back stays to get it off.

"No, no!" the other girl insisted, wheeling up to her. "I mean- it doesn't- why just look at yourself, Elphie!"

She threw out a hand towards the mirror. If only to get her to shush already, Elphaba followed her fingers, bracing herself for the gaudiness that was sure to reflect back at her from the glass. She gasped.

The tight bodice that was currently crushing her ribcage sent attention on her bust, making it seem more shapely and appealing; the glittering sequined butterflies around the drooping neckline only helped to compliment this while also adding a touch of class. The sash-like taffeta that spilled around her calves made them seem more robust and feminine, while also making her seem less gangly. The whole ensemble flattered her build, reinforcing her best features and covering the more unforgiving ones. Most of all, the rich lavender melded perfectly with the emerald tone of her skin; her flesh seemed to radiate as her reflection stared back at her in shock.

"Do I have The Eye or what?" Nessarose asked smugly.

"I-I-" Elphaba stuttered, unable to rip her gaze away from the mirror.

"-am eternally grateful, O Most Favorite Little Sis in all of Oz and Her Sister Lands," Nessa finished, but she was smiling at the childlike awe on her sister's face.

There came a knock from the door. "What did I tell you?" the crippled girl continued, still grinning. "That roomie of yours, so scatterbrained…" she went to answer it, a dazed Elphaba not even bothering to protest.

For the good ten seconds it took Nessa to get the door open, anyway.

"Uh, hi, I'm here to pick up- SWEET OZ!"

The Prince tumbled over his own feet in shock, falling into the room. "I-I'm sorry I- I was just-"

Elphaba let out a shriek at a higher octave than even a certain blonde could manage (Nessa continued to complain of ear damage many years after the fact). "GET OUT!" she screamed, trying desperately to cover herself.

"But Galin-"

"SHE'S GONE ALREADY YOU BRAINLESS FOOL!" she screeched, practically falling over herself as she scrambled for a blanket to drape herself with. "DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING SHE'S MEETING YOU AT THE CAFÉ!"

"Well how was I supposed to know, she never even told-"

Elphaba would not be reasoned with. "YOU SICK BASTARD!" she screamed, hurling a pillow at him once she had the comforter wrapped about her shoulders. "GET OUT OF HERE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

Fiyero ducked behind stunned Nessarose's wheelchair. "Alright, alright!" he cried, crouching low as he rushed towards the exit. "But if it helps, I think it looks very beau-"

"I SAID _**OUT!**_" she raved, managing to graze his scalp with a Filaan shawl Galinda had left lying about before he bolted out the door.

She stood there frozen for a moment, until Nessa cautiously rolled up to the doorway and threw the hat out after him.

"Well there's no sense in her wasting a trip if he's going to the same place," she replied defensively at her sister's dagger-filled stare.

**A/N: Yay, I got this done in time! I'm leaving tomorrow for ten days with no real twitch internet access, so you better savor this. Well, actually, you should probably savor it anyway, because this is the third to last chapter! I know! I'm gonna miss this story so much when it's finally through….**

**But that's not for a good two chapters! In the meantime, review! **


	8. On With the Sho!

**Disclaimer: Hi! This isn't The Pixess- she's currently hiding in a closet to avoid a) moving and b) you killing her for lack of updating. She's sorry about that, BTW. This is her friend Melody, aka Gullible Human Shield who offered to do the disclaimer thing. So yeah, neither of us own Wicked. And I, unfortunately, had nothing to do with the making of this chapter. That I know of.**

Let's recap, shall we? We've gone from "I-want-you-I'm-just-too-virtuous-to-admit-it" to "Don't ever touch me again!" to "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY PRINCE FACE EVER AGAIN GET OUT BEFORE I CUT OFF YOUR AIR SUPPLY WITH MY SEXY GURTLE" over the course of about- he checked his watch- 42 hours. A new record.

Wait- did he just do math?

Fiyero shook his head; he had more important things to worry about. Like, why had he worn white on a coffee date? Was Galinda so popular that a court would rule for justifiable homicide if she killed him after she'd been dumped? In the miraculous event that he _survived _dumping Galinda, would Elphaba take him back (not that they had ever strictly been a couple, unfortunately)? Or at least, would he ever see her in that _outfit_ again, holyshizkin-

Do. Not. _Go. _There. Focus. Tiggu. Lar.

He weaved his way through the crowded café- it _was_ Friday evening, after all- and searched for the tell-tale signs of his "girlfriend." By the (ear-piercing) sound of it, she had gotten a head start on him; however, he didn't see any of the normal indicators to her presence- no large groups of girls clustered around a particular table, no loud, inexplicable giggling, no vivid spurts of pink in an otherwise pastel zone…

There! He finally spotted her; she was wearing navy, which must have been what had thrown his radar off. That and the fact that she had chosen the table closest to the back, which only had two stools- one on either side of the table. This was a far more subtle arrangement than their usual "dates", which generally consisted of them sitting in the middle of the room, so she could be at the center of everything and socialize with her friends if their own conversation grew to idle for her liking (which it always did).

Puzzled at this deviation- socialites like Galinda generally tended to perfect a routine, and any minor change was subject to great personal controversy- he made his way towards her, trying to shake off an odd feeling of foreboding.

"Fiyero, darling," she purred as he approached. He brightened as she gave him a peck on the cheek- not _about_ the kiss, of course, but because she had refrained from calling him by that vomitifed pet name she had coined- maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Sorry I'm late," he told her, as though they had actually agreed on an appointed time to meet.

"It's alright," she said, her voice a bit more high than usual (if that were even possible). She appeared almost sheepish, and her blush seemed more than her usual face powder. It was rather unnerving, to be truthful.

"Um, did you order already?" Fiyero asked awkwardly, still wondering about her odd behavior.

"Oh, no, I was waiting for you- though the raspberry frappe looked rather good, if not a little large, but we could split it-"

"No thank you," he jumped in quickly.

"Well, alright," she replied timidly- Galinda, timid!- and scanned over the menu again. "Uh…there's 'Emerald Espresso', it's chilled coffee with mint chocolate and comes with a little flag in it with the _Wizomania _logo."

"I've never been much for musical theatre," Fiyero replied uncomfortably.

_What is going on?!_ He wondered silently. This wasn't like any other time they'd been out- that consisted of him picking her up at her dorm, her ordering whatever she had in mind for him, then yakking about nothing until she decided it was time to leave. Now there was, like, this giant Cloud of Awkwardness hanging over them- could she possibly _know_ what he had planned on doing? Sweet Oz, had Elphaba _told_ her about- about everything?

Oh, he was dead. So very, very dead.

"Well, how's about this thing," Galinda continued, unaware that her seatmate was mentally composing his own obituary. "It's black coffee, supposed to be very bitter, made with dried hazelnuts- dear Oz!"

"What?" Fiyero asked, this last bit catching his attention.

"They call it a 'Morrible Mocha'," she explained, clearly horrified, for which he could not blame her in the least.

Galinda shut the menu abruptly, setting it to the side while eyeing him intently. It was a very un- Galindaish move and it made Fiyero's blood chill.

"Actually," she said, her expression unreadable, "I'm not so hungry- er, thirsty." She pushed a blonde strand behind her ear, clearly struggling with her words. "I think we need to talk about…something."

_Oh Oz, she knows,_ he thought in panic. _She totally, totally knows. She's going to grill me alive. There's gonna be screaming and crying and slapping and in front of everyone. I'll be the brainless bastard who cheated on Galinda Upland of the Upper Up Uppity- whatever the blasted moniker is!_

But wait just a clock tick- why should he care? Even if Elphaba wouldn't have him (his stomach turned at the mere thought) he'd at least be free of the Galinda DeathGrip. That's what he wanted, right? Sure he'd miss her cheery greetings everyday...what brand of mascara was less clumpy than some other type (Maybelurline always won)...the long, pointless shopping trips where he as stuck standing around for hours on end, doing nothing but holding her reticule for her...

Oh dear sweet Oz, Galinda was FINALLY going to break up with him!!!

"I've been thinking a lot about our relationship," she was saying, biting the corner of her lip.

_Yes, very bad sign, keep going,_ Fiyero silently urged her.

"Now you and I have been going out for awhile now-"

_Yes, Galindy, I have a calendar, I know this, _he thought impatiently.

"And it's been fun- like, really, really, fun. Extraordinary, actually…"

_Oooh, a word with more than six letters that isn't 'shopping', I'm impressed. _He knew he was being unnecessarily cruel but didn't care; after all, it wasn't as though she could hear him.

"…and I realize it's probably not best to do this in public, I honestly don't know what's come over me, I didn't intend on doing this tonight…"

"But?" he pressed, unable to contain himself.

"But," she agreed, flushing. "It appears I simply can't help myself. I…"

_I'm dumping you, Fiyero, it's over; I'm dumping you, Fiyero, it's over; _he chanted pleadingly in his head.

"I-I want to take our relationship to the next level," she declared, voice shaky but firm.

Fiyero blinked as she reached across the table, placing her dainty hand over his. _Wait, _his mind screamed, _**WHAT?!**_

"Fiyero, sweetheart," she said, eyes sparkling like blue diamonds, "We're getting married!"

* * *

**Yes, she's changing the scene here…you are allowed exactly three more seconds of squealing/cursing/lyao. And keep in mind, this could have been your ending last chapter (that shut you up, eh? XD)**

"So," Nessarose said, drumming her fingers idly against an unresponsive knee, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Elphaba stuffed some blouses Galinda had draped across the floor in her quest for the Right Outfit back into the dresser; ever since Fiyero had left, Elphie had been a bundle of frantic agitation, which had somehow manifested itself in the form of a cleaning rampage.

"Talk about what?" she snapped, folding up what appeared to be- unless Nessa's tired eyes were deceiving her- a pink mini-skirt with an extremely poofy white dog emblazed upon it.

"Well, that small stroke you had awhile ago, for starters," she replied mildly.

Elphie dropped the poodle miniskirt. "I did not have a _stroke_, Nessie!" she cried, outraged. "He _walked in on me_ while I was- you know!"

"Yes, I do know," Nessarose replied patiently. "I know that if you had seen Galinda or me or anyone else for that matter react so violently just because someone had _walked in on them_- half clothed, no less!-you would have called them a prudish, melodramatic twit and berated them mercilessly about it until the day they died."

Elphaba blinked. "Are you _calling_ me a prudish, melodramatic twit?" she asked- not threateningly, just curious.

"No," Nessarose answered, a little taken-aback at her sister's calm reaction. "But I _would_ like to know what the big deal is- I mean, it's just _Fiyero_. It's not like, I don't know, he'd _look_ at you, or anything."

Elphaba could feel the heat creeping into her cheeks. "Why shouldn't he look at me?" she demanded.

Nessarose, thinking she'd struck a cord with the skin issue, quickly blithered, "Well I mean, of course there's no reason he _wouldn't_ look at you- as a male, I mean- you know- it's just- he's with Galinda-"

"Who says?" Elphaba pressed, without thinking.

Nessa's eyes widened. "Um, _everyone_," she replied uncertainly. "Is there something I should know about, Elphaba?"

"Actually, yes," the green girl adlibbed quickly, "On second thought, I think I _did_ have a stroke just now, I should go have the nurse check that out," she started backing towards the door, "Maybe Morrible would let me out of exams if I was sick enough, or at least give me an extension, how awesome would that be, extra study time-"

"_Fabala."_

Elphaba faltered.

Nessarose pointed to the bed. "Sit," she ordered.

Her sister obeyed, the look on her face not unlike that of a puppy who'd been caught nibbling on a slipper.

"Speak," Nessa said simply.

"I-"

"_Coherently_."

Elphaba glared at her. "I am not a _dog_, Nessie," she reminded her darkly.

"There are so many possible comebacks to that, why don't you save me the exertion of picking between them and just tell me what's going on."

And so Elphaba relayed the tale of the last day and a half. Her sister made a surprisingly good audience, only interrupting once (when she got to the bit about the closet, before she explained about him laughing. She had demanded, squealing, every detail about what they had done- as though she were hoping for a vicarious orgasm, or something).

When she finally through, Nessa merely shook her head. "Wow," she said, her voiced awed. "So while I was busy with my Boqie Doll, you were playing with Kiamo Ko Ken?"

"Shut up!" Elphaba cried, but was unable to keep a straight face. "At least," she wheezed through her laugher, "Ken was there by choice!"

"Oh yeah?" Nessa was giggling too. "Well I bet Boqie looks better in a dress!"

That made them both crack up all over again, finally succumbing to the strain of exams and would-be lovers in the form of a laughing fit.

"You know what we need?" Nessarose asked, wiping her eyes once the attack had subsided.

Elphaba shook her head.

"A- oh, what's it called?" she wondered, furrowing her brow. "You see girls do it all the time at plays and cinemas…"

"When have you ever been to either of those?"

Nessa waved her off. "And Miss Galinda and her friends have them all the time…"

"_Don't_ say 'slumber party'," Elphaba protested vehemently. "I won't do it, and there is no conceivable way for you to make me, so don't whine."

Figuring she was only within her rights to make a Frex threat once a day, Nessa replied haughtily, "Fine. If not a slumber party, then at least a…Girl's Night In?"

The green girl sighed. "Rosie," she said, softening, "I hate to break it to you, but they're only three things I've come to associate with the phrase "Girl's Night In': snacks, makeup, and dress up. We're college students, which automatically means we have no decent food, and Galinda has banned any junk food from the room due to her clear-complexion obsession; no make-up known to mankind works with my skin tone, and I have as much business in anything pertaining to Cosmetology as a blind straight man with no thumbs; as for dressing up, Galinda's closet may be a fashion mecca- in fact, it may be _the_ Fashion Mecca- but the odds of me putting anything on from there are exactly 525,600,000,000 to one, and you take-" she broke off, realizing what she'd been about to say.

"And it takes me too long to get changed," her sister elaborated, stone-faced.

"Nessa…Rosie…" Elphaba stammered, horrified at herself. "No, I didn't mean it like- I mean we can still- it doesn't matter, it's not like we're on a time- Aargh!" she cried, clenching her fists. "Roll up to the damn vanity, Oz knows I need the practice if I'm going to pass that blasted course, I don't know why I let Galinda talk me into taking it in the first place…"

Nessarose brightened. "You mean-?"

"Yes, yes, haven't you heard unseeing, thumb-less heterosexuals are the wave of the future?" Elphaba snapped. "And don't you _dare_ tell anyone about this, or I'll cripple you worse…

* * *

"We're getting married!" 

Fiyero twitched; there was so much BLATANTLY WRONG with that statement (statement! Not even a proposal, as if the whole thing were already settled!) he didn't know where to start.

"Galin-" no, there was too much. He couldn't even _begin_ to articulate- if he kept his mouth open, he'd surely regurgitate all over the table. He glanced around, terrified that someone had overheard her.

"Fiyero?" Galinda questioned anxiously as his eyes darted about. "Did you hear me?"

And there they were, like a Godsend- two gay little angels.

"URGH!" Crope groaned dramatically, grabbing a stool from the nearest table over and flopping down dramatically next to Galinda. "_What_ a day- Galindy darling, where have you been hiding yourself, I've been looking _everywhere_ for you, I'm going to need _such_ a facial treatment after today, and no one does them like you can."

Galinda blinked as though she couldn't quite believe he was there. Tibbett took his own chair and set it down beside Fiyero, giving him a polite, tired smile.

It was then that the Prince got an idea. The Prince got a wonderful idea. The Prince got an awful idea. The Prince got a wonderfully, awful idea.

Don't you dare, his conscience piped up.

_Well what choice do I have? _He argued.

What _choice?_ His conscience was sardonic- almost like Elphaba, he noted wistfully. You can suck it up, be a man, tell her the truth yourself and leave The Most Perfect Couple in History alone so the universe doesn't unravel.

"Well, yes, darling, I'd be happy to do it later but Fifi and I-" Galinda started to say, but Fiyero cut her off.

"Oh, hard day, Crope?" he asked attentively, trying to look as interested as possible.

You are going to rot in hell for this, Conscience informed him. Aren't your own screwed up relationships enough without-

_Between hell and GalindaTiggularland, which would you prefer?_

His conscience, interestingly, had no retort to that.

Crope stretched, clearly happy to have an audience. "It was _horrible_," he bemoaned.

"No pun intended," Tibbett added.

"Ick, I didn't catch that, thank you dearest," he said warmly before launching into his monologue. "That old harpy kept going on and on- and she never _tired_, blathering on about how the sound system is an important element of Shiz's overall student corruptivity and nostrils falling off or _whatever_ it was she was saying, I'm sure I don't know- and she just kept going, and _going_, gaining steam all the time, like she was a bellows or something-"

"She certainly swelled up like one," Tibbett chimed in.

"Precisely!" Crope cried, knocking Galinda's purse off the table as he gestured widely. "So sorry, dearie," he said briefly as the blonde scowled at him. "But anyway- she just wouldn't _shut up_, all afternoon, we only just got out, missed exams and everything-"

"That's terrible," Fiyero said sympathetically. "You must be starved- order anything, my treat."

Way to be subtle.

He mentally stuck out his tongue in response.

Crope blinked. "Oh-kay," he replied, thrown for a minute. Tibbett, meanwhile, wasted no time in leaning across the table for a menu (Fiyero taking advantage of this by subtly brushing against his calf. He didn't appear to notice.)

Barely glancing at his own drink list, Crope lost no time in re-launching into the story. "So _anyhow_," he pressed on, "Blah blah blah, yakkity yak- like, we _understand_, woman, take a _breath_- or better yet, a breath_mint_. I mean, don't you hate it when that happens? When someone keeps talking and talking on about nothing with no end in sight and you just want them to SHUT UP already?"

"I have absolutely no idea what that must feel like," Galinda replied coolly, looking about ready to throttle him.

Crope sighed and patted her hand. "You're too lucky, my dear, you really are," he assured her.

Deciding it would be best for everyone's physical well-being (and criminal records) to change the subject, Fiyero picked up hi menu and blurted quickly, "So, um, the 'Touring Company' looks really good- chocolate milk mixed in with ground- um…uh," he pretended to struggle. "Sh-shanan- Tibs, can you read that for me, please?"

Tibbett raised an eyebrow, either at the uncommon use of a nickname or the trivalness of the word. "Shanasho Beans, you mean?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, _those_!" Fiyero cried, slapping his knee as though the question had been plaguing him all day; even Galinda was fixing him with a bewildered stare. "I've never heard of them before," he continued breezily, trying to ignore the fact that he felt like a complete tool.

"Um, well, they're really healthy; strengthens the vocal cords and all that," Tibbett explained, eyeing the Prince nervously. "Most of the time they're black, but I hear if you grow them near really Big Apple trees they turn green every now and again."

Okay, seriously, just stop; what good is this going to do? Galinda is too slow to notice when you have legitimate feelings for someone else- do you really think she's going to pick up on your pathetic attempts to impersonate a g-

"Fascinating," he said, giving his famous tilted-head-all-teeth smile, the one that was rumored to send several ladies of the court into fainting spills. There turned out to have been a gas leak, but whatever- it certainly seemed to have an affect on Tibbett, who flushed and promptly became very interested in the drink list. Fiyero ducked his head in the menu as well, sneaking a peak across the table as he did so:

Crope was gaping at him, mouth opening and closing without sound, while Galinda in turn was glaring at _him_ and- unless the Prince was quite mistaken- totally unaware of any faux flirting that may or may not have been going on.

Told you so, Conscience chided.

_Yeah, but you couldn't have told me _before _I invoked the wrath of the male-Galinda?_

Oh, that wasn't me, that was my cousin, Karma? She can be a real bitch.

"Hang on, Tibby," Crope said, holding up a slender white finger to silence his lover. "My feminine instinct tells me that we may have just interrupted a very serious romantic discussion at an extremely awkward time."

Tibbett blinked. "I thought I was the fem this week," he said, clearly trying to gloss over the situation.

Crope was impatient. "No, darling, your butch today- remember, your voice is all scratchy since you snuck all those confiscated cigars out of Morrible's desk whist she was lecturing us?"

"Oh, silly me, where _is_ my mind," Tibbett replied, waving a hand dismissively. Joking appeared to be the best strategy to soothe his frazzled lover. "I remember now, the part where she was swelling up like a Pufferfish?"

"No, dear, while she was getting her second wind- honestly; just like a man. Shall I have our anniversary tattooed on your forehead as well?" Crope shook his head, standing up. "Come along, we've both got extra studying to do now that your little prank got us in so much trouble."

So abashed he didn't even argue that it was a mutual idea, Tibbett got up to and quickly slunk behind the other boy.

Fiyero, feeling guilty but still needing a way out, said "I'll walk you boys there, I needed to pick up something I left at my dorm anyway-"

"No," Crope cut in quickly, "We weren't headed back to my dorm, we're headed to the library, that's on the other side of campus- don't tire yourself with a walk,"

And with that, he grabbed his boyfriend by the arm and led him out, muttering furiously the entire way.

"Um, I really have to get that thing," Fiyero lied, tugging on his jacket again.

"Fiyero!" Galinda cried as he hurried out the door, "_Wait_!"

He knew he was awful to leave her like that, not to mention possibly break up Croppett, but he honestly just couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't big enough to do this, it had gotten out of hand- he needed someone to bail him out, to make it all just go away.

Fortunately, he knew just the person.

**Tell ya what: I won't do the I-know-who-it-is-you-don't-ha-ha-ha dance if you leave Pixie a really nice review; seriously, she's having a crappy time with this move and all, and I just know a review would make her day. SO DO IT! DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS THING! -banishes disposable razor threateningly-. **


	9. Bloodlines Blow

**Disclaimer: Alright, let's get this over with- no, I don't own Wicked, yes I am sorry for not updating (not that it was my fault), no, I don't agree with a certain bitter footman's opinion of Miss Holtzman, yes, I reference at least one other musical every chapter except the first one (so far Cats, RENT, Sweeney Todd, Lion King, Wicked, Little Shop of Horrors, and just pushing it with Seusical/RENT again, respectively), no I don't own Fergie, thank Oz, yes I suck at song parodying, and NO, I DID NOT EAT GRASS AS A CHILD (more than once).**

Oh, Oz. What a nightmare. Why had she even brought it up in the first place? She was such an idiot. What had she been _thinking_? She ought to have known it would never work out, but she didn't understand what the problem was!

Maybe the lip gloss tube was too big?

Elphaba took a step backward, studying her work and trying not to wince. Only one thought came to mind:

Boq had actually looked a lot better than this.

_Shizkin, _she thought anxiously, dabbing her sister's lips with a handkerchief. At least she had had the good sense to make Nessarose face away from the mirror before she started this mascara-massacre.

She leaned in again intently, nearly squinting her eyes with concentration-

-and then the door flew open and thrust backwards with a deafening _SLAM_ as Galinda entered.

"IhaveneverbeensohumiliatedinallmylifehowcouldtheydothistomesomeonefetchmemysmellingsaltsIswearIcouldfai-WHAT THE FRUGAL HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR SISTER?!"

Fortunately for Elphaba, Nessarose didn't seem to pick up on the fact that Galinda considered 'frugal' to be her version of the F-word, and therefore was too busy trying to decipher why she had just been called cheap to suspect anything amiss with her make-up.

Hastily, Elphaba grabbed Galinda by the crook of her elbow and steered her to the other side of the room.

"She hasn't caught sight of it yet," the green girl whispered urgently. "She did that blasted Tragically Beautiful trap on me, I couldn't say no- and don't raise a fuss with me, I could press charges, I swear your eyeshadow wand tried to accost me-"

"Red powder against a china-doll complexion? I'd say the wand was well within its rights," retorted Galinda. She rubbed her temples with her hand. "Oh, but I'm too tired for this," she sighed. "Just- wipe up the carnage once your through, I don't need to wake up to _that_ in the morning."

Elphaba blinked at her roommate's oddly reasonable attitude. "What exactly _happened_ tonight, Galinda?"

The blonde threw her hair arms into the air. "I became a conservative, that's what happened!" she cried dramatically.

Elphie blinked.

"Um, okay," she said slowly, in the manner might use to address a five-year-old. "But how-?"

"I went mad! I don't know what happened, he was just _so cute_ with this oddly panicked yet determined look on his face and I-" she paused, remembering Nessa's presence and whispered audibly, "_I told him that secret I told you about after that night at the Ozdust!_"

Elphaba struggled to remember if it was physically possible for a person's lungs to deflate. "And what did he say?" she squeaked (Nessarose looked quite bewildered at the foreign sound coming out of her sister's mouth).

"I don't _know_!" Galinda wailed. "That horrible Tibbett and Crope interrupted us the _second _I got the words out of my mouth! And they wouldn't _leave_, no matter what we did- poor Fiyero even offered to by them drinks, just to get them out of our hair, the poor darling- but to no avail! And then they scared him away so fast I never got an answer out of him!"

Elphie nodded, stone-faced.

"To top it all off," the blonde sniffled, "Biq saw me crying when I went past his room and insisted on walking me home!" She hiccupped, then tossed her handbag to the floor carelessly and announced, "I'm going to get my bath beads and soak in the tub for the rest of the evening- don't disturb me unless there's a fire or something. Or if Shenshen says she finally found that knockoff from Ozercrombie."

And with that she sauntered off without another word, slamming the bathroom door behind her.

Elphaba slowly turned back towards her little sister, an excuse already formulating on her tongue.

She needn't have bothered. Nessa was staring incredulously after the blonde, clearly off in her own little world.

"_Boq_," she whispered, hands twitching as if she were about to throttle something. "It's _Boq_. _Three Quoxing letters_! Is it _so hard_ to remember?!"

"Well they are both vowels," her sister replied absently. "I'm going for a walk."

Rosie made no reply, still muttering to herself. Elphaba slipped out unnoticed, catching only the faintest beginning of a scream as her sister must have turned and saw her reflection in the mirror.

* * *

"Fiyero! Fiyero, open up in there! FIYERO!" 

Her knuckles were starting to ache- this did not help to improve her livid mood.

"FIYERO TIGGULAR!" Elphaba shouted, rapping harder still on the door of his dorm room, "I HAVE BEEN STANDING OUT HERE FOR NEARLY A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AND IF YOU HONESTLY THINK I'M GOING ANYWHERE YOU CAN JUST-"

"Do I want to know?" a voice asked as the door _finally_ swung open.

"Hello, Minoroscar-Celebus," Elphie greeted him curtly. "Is Fiyero here?"

"No- though I'm surprised he didn't hear you yelling across campus and come running," he replied coolly.

Elphaba realized he was probably within his rights to be snippy but at the moment simply couldn't care less. "Well have you any idea when he'll be _back_?" she pressed.

OC shrugged. "He hasn't been back since he went to br-since he went to meet Galinda."

"Right," Elphaba said tersely- this bit of information did not serve to calm her temper any. "Well would you mind if I waited inside for him?"

"Uh, yes," Minororscar replied contemptuously.

Elphie narrowed her eyes. "It'll only be until he returns, I assure you I'm not carrying any sort of flu virus or anything- I've _always_ been this color."

Minor OC opened the door fully, revealing that one of his arms was draped around a girl with her hair (and lipstick) pointedly mussed.

"Oh, um, _hi_ Mary Sue!" Elphaba addressed her, flushing.

The petite exchange student glared at her. "It Marisu!" she snapped in her thick Evian accent.

"Of course," Elphaba replied hastily, deeply embarrassed but still determined. She turned back to Minor OC. "Could I just, um, wait in his room till he gets back? With the door locked and the stereo cranked really, really loudly to drown out any- er, _conversations_ you two might be having?"

He glanced questioningly towards Marisu, who wrinkled her button nose but shrugged consentingly.

"Whatever," OC agreed gruffly, holding the door open and ushering her brusquely inside.

Elphaba ignored his ungracious tone and hurriedly darted into Fiyero's room, which his roommate indicated to be the first on the left before quickly rejoining Marisu on the couch. It was surprisingly undecorated for such a large suite- he needed the extra space to practice his idiotic dance moves, she supposed frostily. His bureau was practically buried with trophies from dance competitions; tap, jazz, waltzing, salsa…the phrase "takes two to tango" randomly popped into her head.

_Vain little thing, _Elphaba thought suddenly- waspishly. She fought the urge to sweep all the awards off the dresser, sending them crashing to the floor. Instead, she stormed over to his CD player and, as promised, raised the volume to a point where her eardrums nearly bled.

Elphie was, in short, fuming. It was one thing to toy with _her_ emotions, but to hurt Galinda as well? And what, the blonde girl wasn't _good enough_ for Fiyero to marry, was that it? Who else would he get engaged to, Nessarose?

It was all too much- this time, he'd gone too far. She'd show him.

The music pulsed in her ears as she made this vow- Elphaba didn't recognize the artist, but she sounded vaguely familiar. She certainly found her lyrics relatable enough.

_I hope you realize, I hope you realize_

_That this just isn't about you_

_It's private, for me alone_

_I wish you'd just go home_

_And I'm gonna pine for you like a baby whines for its bottle_

_But I have to care for me and my own self_

_It's time/ I let this sleeeeeeeeep_

_And grown women don't weep._

Yes, that was it exactly. She wasn't pining for Fiyero at all- she was nostalgic for romance in general. That was all.

Maybe. All Elphaba knew, she reflected irritably, is that Fiyero had better show up soon or risk more than a trophy being broken.

* * *

_Shizkin_, _when did benches get so uncomfortable_? 

Fiyero massaged his aching neck as he sat up, squinting blearily at the early morning sun. He checked his watch- ten minutes to nine.

Oz, this had better work. After the disastrous dinner date with Galinda, he had managed to sneak off campus and send out a telegram requesting a reply as soon as possible. He received it about five hours after the fact (not unusual, but Fiyero suspected he had waited an extra hour before sending word back purely to torment him) with train number and arrival time enclosed. Too anxious about sleeping in/running into anyone he knew prior to his safety net's arrival, he decided to stay at the train station. Besides, by that time it was nearly three in the morning, and what would have been the point?

The screech of brakes against the tracks jolted Fiyero out of his recollections; finally, he was here. Or ought to be, anyway.

He craned his neck impatiently as people flooded off the train. Finally, after most of the other passengers had dispersed, he spotted a familiar face.

Grinning, he quickly hurried over and smacked him cheerfully on the back. "Hello, Avaric, long time no see," he said pleasantly.

"Master Fiyero." Avaric gave a formal nod of acknowledgement before turning his attention back to the valise in front of him, taking a deep breath, lifted it up and just managed to waddle it off the platform before he was forced to let go, the thing toppling to the ground with an audible _thud._

"Sweet Oz, what did he put in that thing, bricks?" Fiyero asked concerned as Avaric went for another suitcase.

The manservant glared. "May I be frank?" he requested, voice cool and professional.

_Oh, Oz._ "Go ahead."

"Do you _really_ think I'd be stupid enough to fall for that trick twice?" he pressed. "Oz, you act like I haven't gone back over his shoulder every time he's had to pack anything since he was six and a half."

How Avaric always remembered the exact decimal of everything ("you lost your first baby tooth when you were four point seven years old") Fiyero never knew, but he was more interested in the fact that he had more luggage to attend to.

"Didn't you tell him he could only stay with me for the weekend?" he asked incredulously. "My roommate's probably going to skin me alive as it is!"

"Well, perhaps he's bringing one for each day." Avaric was always rather tart after being forced to do manual labor. Or wash the dog.

"_Please_," a rich, boasting voice drawled, its owner hidden from view by the train compartment, "I'll need that much to survive a weekend in this _hovel_."

_Shizkin, why does common sense only nag me when after it's too late?_ "I survived this hovel for a good while now, thanks," Fiyero called back cheerily. "Won't you come out? The chemicals from the science lab haven't leaked out onto the townspeople and mutated us all yet, you know."

_And there we have the real reason why no matter how many boarding schools I got kicked out of, that whole 'home schooling' thing never came up on the table._

"I can't just _walk out_," the disembodied voice said, sounding scandalized. "I have to be _announced _first."

_You know what? I take it back. Life is NOT painless for the brainless. Because if I had a brain, I would have realized what a STUPID, EGOTISTICAL, PATHETIC last-ditch effort this was, and all my 'pain' would be about 600 miles away. Or however far away this place is from the Vinkus._

Avaric gave the direction of the voice a withering look. "I'm not even done with the bags yet, could I possibly wait until I get my breath back?" He'd been with the family so long that 'propriety' was really more of a suggestion.

The silhouette on the train wall leaned forward a little. "Well you've got all of _my_ bags, anyway," he said disdainfully. "Just leave the rest for the moment and announce me."

Fiyero didn't like the inflection he made on the word "my". He quickly glanced down at the suitcases Avaric had already stacked; the one on top, he only just realized, was pink with a large, oriental gold "S" across it.

"_Oh. My. __**Oz,**_" he breathed, horrorstruck. He hurriedly climbed up the platform and stuck his head inside, turning it frantically. "Noyoudidn'tnoyoudidn'tnoyoudidn't-"

The boy next to him laughed. "I didn't realize you could turn purple."

Fiyero rounded on him, chest heaving. "You brought SARI here?" he demanded, eyes wild with panic. "Are you freaking OUT OF YOUR MIND why in the world would you bring-"

"Dude!" The boy cried, still laughing, "Relaxify! Sari's back home!" When the look on Fiyero's face remained that of skeptical anxiety, he added, "Dude, I'll prove it." He turned around and shouted at the top of his voice, "YO! ONE! GET DOWN HERE, YOUR MAN IS WAITING!"

Nothing.

"See?" the shouter said confidently, "Totally not here."

Fiyero nodded slowly. "You're right," he drawled, "There is no conceivable way Sarima would not materialize out of nowhere and kill you for calling her 'One' if she was not a safe six hundred miles away."

"_I have a name, you hear me, I'm not just one more bloodline in some stupid harem clan! I HAVE AN IDENTITY!_" the other boy mimicked nasally. "Oz, she really is a singular sensation, isn't she? I can't believe you almost married into that."

"ARE YOU TWO GOING TO COME OFF THIS DAGGONE TRAIN SOMETIME BEFORE LURLINEMAS?!" Avaric bellowed from below, "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT SUPERVISING YOUR ROYAL HIDE AND I'D APPRECHIATE THE CHANCE TO FRESHEN UP OR AT LEAST FIND A DECENT PLACE TO HACK OFF THE PROPS OF YOUR LITTLE JOKE OF SCARING YOUR LITLLE BROTHER TO DEATH ABOUT HIS MONSTER EX-FIANCE THAT WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!"

"Do you think he means the bag or Sari weighs-" the boy smirked

"WILLIAM HARRY CHARLES TIGGULAR THE THIRD!"

"Well, I guess I've been announced," Willharry replied dryly, and hopped to the ground. "Aw, buck up, Avy," he said boisterously, wrapping an arm around the manservant's shoulders. "You've been a good sport thus far- tell ya what, tonight, right before we go to bed, you can tell me _all_ about how you were once a rich, egotistical, little snot-rag like us, until you married that Winnie hag and she stole it all away, proving that you should have listened to your mother and stayed with that Gregoria girl."

Avaric scowled. "Gregoria was far too literate for my taste anyway."

"Really? So the fact that she married that Andy fellow who made millions off his paintings- not to mention her with her writing- leaves you absolutely no sense of bitterness at all?"

"Master Willharry, I did not raise you to act like an asshole." Avaric stated mildly.

Willharry sighed dramatically. "Well, practice makes perfect, and more than once I've been called a perfect asshole."

Fiyero wisely stepped between them before Avaric (who, for some reason, had a look on his face as though Will had just stolen something from him) could retort and asked his brother hastily, "So you get why you're here, right?"

The other prince rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah," he griped, "Bail out baby brother using the many natural assets which he, sadly, does not possess to charm his significant other out of his arms." Willharry gave him an intimidating stare. "I'm warning you, Fif, this chick had better be cute. I didn't bail out on Smallton last night just so you could hook me up with some chess club member."

_Fif_? Oz, he'd forgotten about _that_ one. "She's flaming, trust me," he reassured him quickly. "She's just not my type."

Willharry snorted. "Since when is _flaming_ not your type?"

Fiyero squared his shoulders defiantly. "Well maybe I've had some emotional growth and maturity since the last time I was home, huh?"

His brother stared at him for a clock tick before bursting out laughing. "Come on, Avaric," he said, still chortling, "You're right- I think Fiyero's having some REM issues too. And I need a cheeseburger."

**And obviously, this is not the last chapter, as I had previously estimated. It just got TOO LONG. So keep those alerts up! (Review and you get a free Boqie Doll- plus shipping and handling, of course.)**


	10. Marisu Madness

**Disclaimer: Hi! You've reached The Pixess; sorry I can't admit to copyright infringement right now, I'm too busy hiding my fictional doll collection from thieves (and Nessarose). Please leave your review at the beep.**

**A/N: Psst…keep a sharp eye out; you might notice someon- I mean, THING familiar ;) But don't get mad at me if you don't, plus at least one of them is in the next chappie…**

"Feeling better now, Little Bro?"

_Let's see; I invited- and, more importantly_, paid, _for the only guy in this solar system more physically attractive than I am (who just happens to be my brother) to come and steal my girlfriend, almost fiancé- why the Quox do I always wind up with psycho fiancés?- because he is _so_ much more attractive than I am that girls fall over him on sight and completely forget I exist._

"I'm just peachy," Fiyero replied cheerily.

Willharry snorted and took another bite of his burger. They were at the McRonald's next to the nearest post office, as Avaric had insisted on sending their mother a telegram announcing their safe arrival (and he had vehemently forbade the two of them from sneaking into the ballet studio across the street in order to hit on the prettiest dancers, for which Fiyero was silently grateful.)

"Good," the elder prince replied, "Because you really had be scared with that whole maturity and growth thing."

"Oh, I don't know," Fiyero shrugged, pausing to sip his drink. "I mean, the last time I saw you, you might have pulled the whole Sarima Scare, but I _know_ you wouldn't have owned up to it so quickly- that's a sign of progress."

"Uh-uh!" Willharry protested. "_That_ was fair play- you'd already turned violet, your personal warning sign that a line is about to be crossed. And…" he let the word dangling in the air.

"Okay I can feel myself going lilac, spit it out, Will."

Willharry toyed with his necklace, a solid gold chain with a key on it, a family heirloom that Mother had given him when he was four. Fiyero had one just like it, only instead of a key there was a ring on it- Wills claimed that both knickknacks weren't heirlooms at all, just some junk Mother didn't want to part with when she helped some relatives clean out there attic in Filaan. Now he had his usual committed swagger in the way he moved as he moved the dinky piece of metal up the chain, but behind that Fiyero could sense genuine hesitation.

"Will?" he repeated anxiously.

"Aw, _relaxify_," he said, waving his brother off. "I just told Sari that I was going out of town for a couple of days, and if the joint where I was headed was any good I might invite her along." At the look on the younger prince's face, he quickly added, "Dude, she totally thought I was joking! She even threw a shoe at me and told me to 'stop taunting (her) with the riches (she) almost had before (our) Mother broke off (your) marriage (thank Oz)'."

"And _were_ you joking?" Fiyero pressed.

Willharry took a sip of his Popsi before answering- not a good sign. "I briefly mentioned it in case your half-brained scheme doesn't work and we need a backup."

"Since when is it possible for you not to get any girl you want?"

"I wasn't talking about _that_," Willharry replied incredulously, as if the idea of a female _not_ falling madly in love with him was completely ludicrous. "I mean, what if the chick doesn't meet my standards? Jealous Sociopath Ex-Girlfriend works just as well at getting rid of unwanted suitors as Hot Older Brother."

"_Not when there's another suitor you want to replace her with, who you kind of want to live!" _Fiyero hissed.

Willharry cocked his head to the side, clearly intrigued. "Oh?" he quipped, a grin slowly forming across his face. "Holding out on me, eh, little bro?"

Fiyero scowled down at the table, vehemently wishing McRonald's carried better projectiles than plastic forks.

"Oh _Ti-ggy_! Waiting for an _an-swer!_" Harry sang, in such an accurate impression of Sarmia his brother was disconcerted for a moment.

It might have been the "Tiggy" that did it. "Frankly, yes!" he exploded. "That way you couldn't steal her away from me _like you always do_!"

Willharry was greatly taken aback. "…I don't always steal your girls," he said slowly.

"Oh yeah?" Fiyero gave a harsh laugh most unlike him. "What about Katie?"

"Who?" Will asked blankly.

"When we were in the Evs for Mother's international tour, that little lost Ozian girl we picked up in Zarri Province?"

"Oh yeah…" Willharry drawled, comprehension gradually dawning. "Whatever happened to her, anyway?"

Fiyero scowled. "_You_ started hitting on her after _I_ already let her hold onto _me_ riding horseback to that nightclub, where _you_ hooked her up with Freddie once you got tired of her."

"…Freddie?"

Fiyero sighed. "The DJ's little brother," he elaborated tiredly. "The one with the Steven Crown novel?"

"Well, whatever," Willharry said impatiently. "So what I hit on Kitty, or whoever? I hit on anything that moves- _and_ invalids, if their chests are big enough! But I wouldn't try to _steal your girlfriend._ At least, not without your permission, like now. I mean, I may be an egotistical bastard, but I'm not a _soulless, _egotistical bastard."

"Doesn't matter," Fiyero looked down at the table indifferently. "Whenever your around, girls completely forget I exist."

Will blinked at him. "Fif," he said, sounding legitimately concerned now. "Fif, that is so not-"

"OH MY OZ!!!"

Before either of them knew what had happened, three trilling girls engulfed the table, wearing- of all things- leotards.

"Ohmiozomiozomioz!" the first, a lanky redhead who appeared to have a pair of wings strapped to her back, squealed. "Your Willharry Tiggular!"

"Oh my Oz, I _told _you we should have changed before we left the dance studio!" the second- also tall, with chess nut hair swept into a bun- wailed. "I can't believe the flamingist guy in Oz is seeing me with a _tiger tail!_" And indeed, from the back of her tutu protruded a stripped wire that dangled somewhat similarly like an extra limb a large feline might possess.

The redhead ignored her, yanking a napkin from the boys' canister. "Can we, like, have your autograph?!" she gushed.

He shot Fiyero an pleading look; he returned it with a dark shrug and gestured for him to go ahead.

Frowning, Willharry grunted "Sure" and pulled out a pen.

One and Two hugged each other, jumping up and down on the balls of their feet. The third, however- a slightly darker brunette than the second, her tutu all black with silver fringe and eyeliner-seemed frozen.

"Who am I making this out to?" Will asked tiredly.

"Victorie Hugo," the redhead chirped, pressing her hand into his to shake it and pointed towards Tiger Tail with the other. "And this is Emmeline Dickinson."

"Pleasure," he replied dryly. "And her?"

Emmeline poked Black Tutu, who was still gazing at Will in a dazed look of awe. "This is Benjamina Bronte," she supplied. "I think she broke," she added for good measure.

Victorie shook her head. "I got this," she said confidently. She waved her arm in front of Benjamina's face. "Hey-hey-hey, Emo Chick!"

Benjamina jerked out of her revere. _"_For the last time- _I am NOT EMO_!!!" she roared. "I didn't even want to be _in_ this stupid recital, you told me Lucillo was guaranteed to like me if I tried out, it's not _my_ fault I got cast as Death and have to wear this moronic costume that makes me look like a- uh, _hi…_" She trailed off dreamily, eyeing the elder prince.

Victorie snorted. "Bye Bye Benny," she whispered to Emmeline, who giggled.

Hastily, Willharry made out the napkins and all but threw them at the fangirls, who tittered appropriately and then quickly dispersed ("I can't BELIEVE you wouldn't let us change out of our costumes, Tori!")

"You were saying?" Fiyero asked coolly.

Willharry fiddled awkwardly with his straw. "W-what I'm getting at is," he started uncomfortably, "I'm not all that, Fif," he finished lamely.

Fiyero snorted. "You're perfect," he said dismissively.

"I am not!" Willharry replied defensively. "What about- my eyes?"

"Your eyes." Fiyero was clearly skeptical.

"Yeah, my eyes!" his brother insisted. "They're all…weird and grey. Like Minerva Mouse's, or something."

Fiyero gave him A Look as similar to Elphaba's withering stares as he could manage. "Let me get this straight," he drawled, "You are not perfect because you have _Minerva Mouse's eyeballs?!"_

"Um, yes?"

In spite of himself, Fiyero cracked a smile. "You're right, Will, you really aren't perfect."

"I told you s-"

"You have got to be the worst self-insulter I've ever heard." Fiyero sipped his drink one last time before setting the Styrofoam cup down. "Let's just go back to my dorm, okay?"

* * *

**Yes I know it's short and I'm horrible, but whatever. Still, remember to leave your review at the-**

**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!**


	11. A Confrontation

**Disclaimer: I'd sing "I Am Not Dead Yet" in celebration of updating, but Monty Python might sue me. Anyway, the last chapter I posted was actually just the first section of THIS chapter, which is now fully completed, so if you don't feel like reading it again just scroll down for awhile and you'll get to the new stuff ****J **

"Feeling better now, Little Bro?"

_Let's see; I invited- and, more importantly_, paid, _for the only guy in this solar system more physically attractive than I am (who just happens to be my brother) to come and steal my girlfriend, almost fiancé- why the Quox do I always wind up with psycho fiancés?- because he is _so_ much more attractive than I am that girls fall over him on sight and completely forget I exist._

"I'm just peachy," Fiyero replied cheerily.

Willharry snorted and took another bite of his burger. They were at the McRonald's next to the nearest post office, as Avaric had insisted on sending their mother a telegram announcing their safe arrival (and he had vehemently forbade the two of them from sneaking into the ballet studio across the street in order to hit on the prettiest dancers, for which Fiyero was silently grateful.)

"Good," the elder prince replied, "Because you really had be scared with that whole maturity and growth thing."

"Oh, I don't know," Fiyero shrugged, pausing to sip his drink. "I mean, the last time I saw you, you might have pulled the whole Sarima Scare, but I _know_ you wouldn't have owned up to it so quickly- that's a sign of progress."

"Uh-uh!" Willharry protested. "_That_ was fair play- you'd already turned violet, your personal warning sign that a line is about to be crossed. And…" he let the word dangling in the air.

"Okay I can feel myself going lilac, spit it out, Will."

Willharry toyed with his necklace, a solid gold chain with a key on it, a family heirloom that Mother had given him when he was four. Fiyero had one just like it, only instead of a key there was a ring on it- Wills claimed that both knickknacks weren't heirlooms at all, just some junk Mother didn't want to part with when she helped some relatives clean out there attic in Filaan. Now he had his usual committed swagger in the way he moved as he moved the dinky piece of metal up the chain, but behind that Fiyero could sense genuine hesitation.

"Will?" he repeated anxiously.

"Aw, _relaxify_," he said, waving his brother off. "I just told Sari that I was going out of town for a couple of days, and if the joint where I was headed was any good I might invite her along." At the look on the younger prince's face, he quickly added, "Dude, she totally thought I was joking! She even threw a shoe at me and told me to 'stop taunting (her) with the riches (she) almost had before (our) Mother broke off (your) marriage (thank Oz)'."

"And _were_ you joking?" Fiyero pressed.

Willharry took a sip of his Popsi before answering- not a good sign. "I briefly mentioned it in case your half-brained scheme doesn't work and we need a backup."

"Since when is it possible for you not to get any girl you want?"

"I wasn't talking about _that_," Willharry replied incredulously, as if the idea of a female _not_ falling madly in love with him was completely ludicrous. "I mean, what if the chick doesn't meet my standards? Jealous Sociopath Ex-Girlfriend works just as well at getting rid of unwanted suitors as Hot Older Brother."

"_Not when there's another suitor you want to replace her with, who you kind of want to live!" _Fiyero hissed.

Willharry cocked his head to the side, clearly intrigued. "Oh?" he quipped, a grin slowly forming across his face. "Holding out on me, eh, little bro?"

Fiyero scowled down at the table, vehemently wishing McRonald's carried better projectiles than plastic forks.

"Oh _Ti-ggy_! Waiting for an _an-swer!_" Harry sang, in such an accurate impression of Sarmia his brother was disconcerted for a moment.

It might have been the "Tiggy" that did it. "Frankly, yes!" he exploded. "That way you couldn't steal her away from me _like you always do_!"

Willharry was greatly taken aback. "…I don't always steal your girls," he said slowly.

"Oh yeah?" Fiyero gave a harsh laugh most unlike him. "What about Katie?"

"Who?" Will asked blankly.

"When we were in the Evs for Mother's international tour, that little lost Ozian girl we picked up in Zarri Province?"

"Oh yeah…" Willharry drawled, comprehension gradually dawning. "Whatever happened to her, anyway?"

Fiyero scowled. "_You_ started hitting on her after _I_ already let her hold onto _me_ riding horseback to that nightclub, where _you_ hooked her up with Freddie once you got tired of her."

"…Freddie?"

Fiyero sighed. "The DJ's little brother," he elaborated tiredly. "The one with the Steven Crown novel?"

"Well, whatever," Willharry said impatiently. "So what I hit on Kitty, or whoever? I hit on anything that moves- _and_ invalids, if their chests are big enough! But I wouldn't try to _steal your girlfriend._ At least, not without your permission, like now. I mean, I may be an egotistical bastard, but I'm not a _soulless, _egotistical bastard."

"Doesn't matter," Fiyero looked down at the table indifferently. "Whenever your around, girls completely forget I exist."

Will blinked at him. "Fif," he said, sounding legitimately concerned now. "Fif, that is so not-"

"OH MY OZ!!!"

Before either of them knew what had happened, three trilling girls engulfed the table, wearing- of all things- leotards.

"Ohmiozomiozomioz!" the first, a lanky redhead who appeared to have a pair of wings strapped to her back, squealed. "Your Willharry Tiggular!"

"Oh my Oz, I _told _you we should have changed before we left the dance studio!" the second- also tall, with chess nut hair swept into a bun- wailed. "I can't believe the flamingist guy in Oz is seeing me with a _tiger tail!_" And indeed, from the back of her tutu protruded a stripped wire that dangled somewhat similarly like an extra limb a large feline might possess.

The redhead ignored her, yanking a napkin from the boys' canister. "Can we, like, have your autograph?!" she gushed.

He shot Fiyero an pleading look; he returned it with a dark shrug and gestured for him to go ahead.

Frowning, Willharry grunted "Sure" and pulled out a pen.

One and Two hugged each other, jumping up and down on the balls of their feet. The third, however- a slightly darker brunette than the second, her tutu all black with silver fringe and eyeliner-seemed frozen.

"Who am I making this out to?" Will asked tiredly.

"Victorie Hugo," the redhead chirped, pressing her hand into his to shake it and pointed towards Tiger Tail with the other. "And this is Emmeline Dickinson."

"Pleasure," he replied dryly. "And her?"

Emmeline poked Black Tutu, who was still gazing at Will in a dazed look of awe. "This is Benjamina Bronte," she supplied. "I think she broke," she added for good measure.

Victorie shook her head. "I got this," she said confidently. She waved her arm in front of Benjamina's face. "Hey-hey-hey, Emo Chick!"

Benjamina jerked out of her revere. _"_For the last time- _I am NOT EMO_!!!" she roared. "I didn't even want to be _in_ this stupid recital, you told me Lucillo was guaranteed to like me if I tried out, it's not _my_ fault I got cast as Death and have to wear this moronic costume that makes me look like a- uh, _hi…_" She trailed off dreamily, eyeing the elder prince.

Victorie snorted. "Bye Bye Benny," she whispered to Emmeline, who giggled.

Hastily, Willharry made out the napkins and all but threw them at the fangirls, who tittered appropriately and then quickly dispersed ("I can't BELIEVE you wouldn't let us change out of our costumes, Tori!")

"You were saying?" Fiyero asked coolly.

Willharry fiddled awkwardly with his straw. "W-what I'm getting at is," he started uncomfortably, "I'm not all that, Fif," he finished lamely.

Fiyero snorted. "You're perfect," he said dismissively.

"I am not!" Willharry replied defensively. "What about- my eyes?"

"Your eyes." Fiyero was clearly skeptical.

"Yeah, my eyes!" his brother insisted. "They're all…weird and grey. Like Minerva Mouse's, or something."

Fiyero gave him A Look as similar to Elphaba's withering stares as he could manage. "Let me get this straight," he drawled, "You are not perfect because you have _Minerva Mouse's eyeballs?!"_

"Um, yes?"

In spite of himself, Fiyero cracked a smile. "You're right, Will, you really aren't perfect."

"I told you s-"

"You have got to be the worst self-insulter I've ever heard." Fiyero sipped his drink one last time before setting the Styrofoam cup down. "Let's just go back to my dorm, okay?"

* * *

Nessarose had always considered herself to be somewhat of a morning person; unlike a lot of college students, she was not disgruntled if she had to rise before ten in the morning for a lecture, nor did she have any qualms with getting up early to fix her suitor a basket of muffins or such like to surprise him before dawn (as more uncaring, less dutiful blondes might be). 

However, given that the previous evening Miss Nessa had not fallen asleep at all, but rather had fainted at the sight of her own over-painted face in the mirror and lay there until she regained consciousness in the morning with half a pound of mascara still smudged over her normally pale face, somehow she could not find the courage to greet the day with her usual gusto. In fact, she let out a rather audible shriek of surprise and horror.

Galinda darted out not a clock-tick later. She took in the vanity ("I _told_ Elphie to mop that mess up!") the various powders and paints of makeup strewn across the floor ("Oh, she's paying for every smidge of that!") and finally Nessa's stricken face before hurrying over.

"Oh, honey," she said soothingly, dabbing the other girl's face with her handkerchief, "There, there, you're not to worry, Auntie Galinda will fix it for you." She pulled back once the majority of the kohl had rubbed off, smiling in a way that indicated she had no clue how much Nessarose resented being talked to as though she were a four year old caught throwing a tantrum.

"That's really not necessary," she said stiffly.

"It's my pleasure, really!" Galinda insisted, swiveling Nessa's chair around so that she could get a better angle; this was one of Nessarose's pet peeves, but she mentally consoled herself: Miss Galinda _didn't know_ how much other people moving her about annoyed her, and after all, what could it hurt getting her makeup done by the most fashionable girl in Shiz? Perhaps it might even convince to Boq to talk to her again, if she looked pretty enough…

"Oh, dearie, do excuse me," Galinda said briskly, having brushed against Nessa's leg while bending to start on her eye shadow again.

The other girl shrugged. "It's fine," she said dismissively. "It's not as if I can feel it, anyway," she added with a touch of bitterness.

She closed her eyes obediently so Galinda could brush her lids with the emerald powder again; after a minute or so of not feeling any pressure on her eyes, she opened them again and found the blonde staring at her, makeup wand still in her hand, mouth ajar.

"Is something, er, wrong?" Nessarose asked, trying to keep the irritation rising within her at bay for the moment.

"You can't _feel your legs_???" Galinda cried, sincerely incredulous.

Irritation won out with a vengeance. "Did you think perhaps I just rolled around for the fun of it? Some special Munchkinland custom for the governor's daughter Elphaba was simply thought was too frivolous to invoke?"

"No, no!" Galinda said with a laugh, clearing trying to gloss the whole thing over. "I just thought they _hurt_ all the time, or something. I didn't know you couldn't _feel_ them."

Both pondered each other: Nessarose was wondering how in the Quox any girl could get to be so stupid, so completely naive that an ounce of common sense staggered them to the core, while Galinda was-

Well it's rather hard to do read what goes on in Galinda's head, as it's so full of cotton candy and taffeta patterns. Regardless, a moment later she jumped up and dashed over to her closet, squealing ominously. At this point, Nessa really should have wheeled away as fast as her pale arms could push her, but curiosity got the better of her.

"Um, Miss Galinda?" she prompted. "What, prey tell, are you doing?"

A few moments later, after tossing out several fuchsia shawls and pink hand-clutches out of the way, Galinda emerged again holding a pair of open-toe, blood-red heels with glittery gold stars adorned across the many, complicated-looking straps.

"These shoes," Galinda breathed, her eyes glistening, "are the flamingist thing I've ever seen- well, except perhaps that corset you picked out for Elphie. I've longed since I've seen them to be able to wear them and thereby do them justice, but I can't so much as half-fasten the blasted things without near crippling myself- excuse the pun, dear," she added.

Nessa was tempted to ask _what pun _sardonically but decided it would most likely be better for her own safety to let this Psycho Blonde go on thinking she was witty.

"But _you_-" she said excitedly. "Darling, if you really can't _feel your feet_-"

Without so much as asking permission to do so, Galinda crouched down and began unlacing Nessarose's boot, sticking her blonde head far too close to Nessa's skirts than she was entirely comfortable with, if you wanted the truth. Tentatively, as though she were wiring a bomb, Galinda wrapped the sparkly red straps to about Nessa's thighs (_Sweet Oz,_ she thought, _what kind of scandalicious shoes are these?!_) About ten minutes later (or so it seemed to the increasingly-vexed Nessarose) Galinda looked up uncertainly and asked, "how's that?"

Nessa glanced down at her feet; they had to be the gaudiest, most vulgar pair of shoes she'd seen in her life (and she'd been in her father's closet once or twice). Then again, Galinda's taste was far better than hers, so what did she know? _She_ wasn't the belle of Shiz, _she_ didn't have hundreds of disposable boys yielding to her every whim, _she_-

"Still can't feel anything," she replied icily.

Galinda jumped up and down, clapping her hands with excitement. "Oh, Rosie!" she trilled (Nessarose made a mental note to somehow convey to the blonde that only Elphaba was allowed to call her that). "I never realized how much _potential _you have!"

_This_ caught Nessarose's attention. "Potential?" she repeated incredulously.

Galinda cocked her head, appearing to be inspecting her. "Yes," she murmured vaguely. "To think, I've been wasting all this time with your sister- I love her to death, but Oz knows she's set in her ways- when _really_…" she trailed off thoughtfully.

"Really what?" in spite of herself Nessa found her chest tightening with a combination of eagerness and fear at what the other girl might say.

Galinda smiled. "There is so much more to you," she said finally, "than that beautifully tragic angle. With a little effort, under the right toolage-" she blew an over-exaggerated kiss, gesturing at herself "why we could make a Rose of you yet, Miss Nessathorn."

Nessarose was unsure of how to react; on the one hand: _NESSATHORN? WHAT THE BLOODY- _

On the other, like it or not, Miss Galinda was the most beloved girl at Shiz. Not only that but- her stomach twisted- she was the most beloved girl by Boq. There was no way of getting around it (although, Oz, did he seriously think GALINDA wouldn't pin him down and force him to wear eyeliner in a fit of speed reading for history? Oh, but of course darling _Galinda_ didn't speed read; she did _eye yoga._)

Either way, perhaps a makeover from Galinda _would_ be the best course of action.

"Alright, Miss Galinda," Nessarose said formally, "I am in your hands."

Oz, that come out sounding far more kinky than she was at all comfortable with.

"Great!" Galinda squealed. Then she gasped, "Oh my Oz- would it hurt if I waxed your legs?!"

Nessa repressed a sigh. "No," she said, suddenly feeling very tired.

"O-O-o-oh!" Galinda trilled, "How's about if I wax your underarms, too? Or has it spread there yet? I remember now in Life Sciences when we were talking about this- your 'nerves' all die or something so you can't feel pain, and then your limbs slowly start to fall off-"

"MISS GALINDA!" Nessarose screamed, never more insulted in her life, "PARALYSIS AND LEPROSY ARE **NOT THE SAME THING**! I am a _cripple,_ not a _leper_! I'VE never even had so much as a PIMPLE, let alone have my FLESH FESTER!"

Galinda blinked.

"Well why didn't you say so, darling?" she said amusedly. "Really, there's no need to _shout_."

Suddenly, a novel concept occurred to the disabled girl; for the first time in Nessarose Thropp's short life, she wondered if even Boq was worth it.

* * *

Fiyero wasn't sure exactly what he should expect upon his arrival back to his dorm; a part of him wanted to get started on his ingenious (or anti-genius, depending on how you looked at it) plan right away, having dismissed Avaric for the day and therefore ditching all voice of reason, whereas another part of him just wanted to collapse on his bed for two hundred years to make up for having slept on a bench all night. 

One thing he did _not_ want, however, was to have the first thing his highly-promiscuous brother saw entering his dormitory to be an insanely gorgeous redhead with hair that grew in tendrils down to her ankles and violet, kohl-laced eyes wearing nothing but a Evian silk robe draped all over his sofa.

"Oh, hullo, Masta' Fi'ero," Marisu purred in her sultry voice, not looking at all embarrassed by her situation. She inclined her head at Willharry. "Who 'ou tall hansome friend?"

Will pinched his arm. "I love you so much," he whispered in his brother's ear.

"_That's not her, idiot_!" Fiyero hissed under his breath.

Harry visibly deflated. "Crush all my hopes and dreams, why don't you?" he muttered.

"Marisu Alecto, this is my brother, Willharry Tiggular," Fiyero declared loudly, decidedly ignoring the person he had just introduced. "Can you make awkward small-talk with him while I go to kill your boyfriend for clearly breaking the No-Overnight rule?"

"Otay," she replied pleasantly, her grasp on the Ozian language still faltering in places.

That taken care of, the younger Prince of the Vinkus promptly stalked into the kitchen nook, where Minor OC was seemingly trying to cook a four-star worthy breakfast in honor of his suitor using nothing but a hot plate. Needless to say this wasn't getting him anywhere fast, but also needless to say Fiyero wasn't exactly feeling sympathetic at this point.

"_What is she doing here_?!" he demanded in an undertone, as the little kitchen wasn't completely closed off and therefore was still slightly in earshot of the living room.

Minor shrugged, flipping his eggs. "You broke the rule, too, so I figured fair was fair," he replied affably.

"What are you talking about?!" his roommate demanded.

OC pointed towards Fiyero's room with the spatula. "Your little _girlfriend_ nearly broke the door down while you were out last night- interrupting a very pleasant evening between me and the lady, I might add. She kept it up for a good part of an hour before I finally opened the door, and she demanded to see you. I wasn't really into the idea- as I said, Mare and I were quite comfortable- but _graciously_ invited her in anyway, and she basically just holed up inside your room, waiting."

Oh, Oz. Shizkin. Shizkin shizkin bloody bloody shizkin. Galinda had come LOOKING FOR HIM?! Was she trying to wring an answer out to her proposal (or, um, command) ALREADY?

"Wait, back up, _what_?" the Prince cried.

"That's pretty much all that happened," OC said, shrugging. "I didn't want to ask her too much; like I said, Mare and I had _stuff_ going on, and she didn't look like she was in the mood to be disturbed. She actually looked pretty homicidal, if you want the truth. I'd say you're in the doghouse, Tiggular."

S- D- Q- BARGH, THERE WERE NO CURSE WORDS LEFT STRONG ENOUGH! "S-so," Fiyero struggled not to hyperventilate. "W-what she look like when she l-left? C-cooled off or still m-m-mad?"

"Left?" Minor OC poked at his bacon absentmindedly. "I dunno, man, I didn't see her again. Marisu has this thing about going to sleep early for her complexion, or something, so we quit fooling around and hit the hay by like ten, but I didn't notice her go by then. Mare said she got up around seven to do her aerobics crap, but she didn't mention seeing her go either. We might have just missed her though, like I said-" he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "we were pretty wrapped up in ourselves."

Nauseated, and not (just) at his roommate's innuendo, Fiyero quickly bolted out of the kitchen and headed towards his bedroom, yanking his brother by the elbow off of the couch (and Marisu's clutches) on the way.

"Hey!" the elder Prince protested. "What's up with you?"

"Psycho-fiancé-in-bedroom," Fiyero panted, still in the midst of his panic attack. "Emergency-evasive-action."

"Dude, I feel like I'm a freaking love EMT, what the Quox?" Willharry said as his brother dragged him along.

Paying no heed to this opinion, Fiyero wretched the door open and realized a half-second to late that it was not the Blonde Demon sitting on the edge of his bedpost with a Prado chains in her hands getting ready to bind him to her forever, but rather a raven-haired beauty curled like a cat on his mattress. Mercifully, though, she appeared to be sleeping, giving Fiyero enough time to formulate a plan.

"DEAR SWEET OZ!" Willharry yelled at the top of his lungs, "THAT CHICK'S _GREEN_!"

Okay. So maybe not. He _was_, however, able to steal just enough time to shove Will behind the draperies before Elphaba jerked awake.

"WHERE have you BEEN?!" she roared at him.

Fiyero blinked. "Um," he said uncertainly, "Out?"

"That's not good enough!" she snapped at him.

Not knowing what else to say in response to this, Fiyero asked, "Uh, why were you sleeping in my bed? Listening to my mother's caterwauling?"

"What in Oz are you on a-" he flipped open the CD player that was lying next to her, one earphone still dangling out of her ear. The compact disk in question was purple with the swirling gold letters across it reading "LizzieDiFi". Elphaba made a small gagging sound. "Argh, I feel like I need to wash my head now."

"Tell me about it," The Prince replied sympathetically. "But, um, seriously- my bed? Plus you? Minus me? I'm not getting this equation- teach me, Smart Girl?"

"I'm not in the mood for your foolishness!" snarled Elphaba. "What the Quox is the matter with you? Haven't you any heart at all? Galinda loves you whole-heartedly and though her peppiness vexes me to no end I won't stand idly by and let you hurt her! I don't know what kind of sick freak you are, stringing girl's hearts along as though they were nothing more than little dolls for your amusement, but I'm here to tell you I won't let Galinda be your next bimbo! Now you go _tell_ her you're a bastard who's not ready for commitment, or better yet put some of that royal fortune of yours to good use and cough up a ring for her!"

Fiyero blinked. "Wait," he said, having to fight to even get his motor skills to cooperate with him, "Y-you _want_ me to marry G-glinda?"

"My Oz, what is wrong with men?" Elphie's gaze was like a sharpened dagger digging into him. "She HATES being called Glinda! You've been going out with her for how long and you don't already know- urgh, but I digress! YES, I want you to marry GAlinda, as long as you are treat her properly- better that than having you philandering about taking advantage of naïve girls for your own gain."

"What…the…" he said a word that really didn't improve Elphaba's view on him as a gentlemen "are you TALKING ABOUT?"

But green girl crossed her arms and mutely turned away.

Fiyero, unsure how to deal with sulking girls in the first place an certainly unequipped to do so after such an unsatisfactory night's sleep, sat down beside her on the mattress and asked, "Is this about the thing in the closet? Because I swear, I wasn't trying to mock you-"

"Ignoring the fact that that is blatantly untrue," Elphaba sniffed (Oz, why did she have to use such big words this early in the day?) "This has nothing to do with you and I; I simply want to see my best friend happy, and though my opinion of you has personally plummeted due to your callous conduct towards me, if you can please her than I wish you all the best."

"Look, I honestly have no clue what you are talking about," he replied patiently. He reached out to take a green hand, neatly folded in her lap; she stiffened at his touch, but did not pull away. "But I really and truly never meant to hurt you- I could _never_ do that. I care about you way, way too much- so much, in fact, it rather scares the crap out of me. And I'm trying to break up with Galinda, I _am_, but it's…complicated."

Elphaba wretched out of his grasp. "Complicated my heel," she spat, standing up. "You haven't even tried, have you? You're nothing but a coward, selfish and self-serving. I'm done here- do whatever you want, I don't care, just don't hurt my friend anymore."

Fiyero really didn't know what came over him; one moment he was watching Elphie turn her back on him and start towards the door- the next, he was grabbing her by the shoulder and whirling her around to face him again.

"Now hold on!" he cried. "Do you have any idea-_any_- of what I've been through for you over the past twelve hours? I blew off dinner; I endured the two centuries long line at the post office; I composed a 20,000 word distress telegram; I had to have Mom wire me the money to actually _pay_ for a 20,000 word distress telegram; I _slept on a bench_; I actually _ate at McRonald's_ after they showed us that documentary _Ultra-Size Me _in Health class and I stupidly paid attention, so I actually _knew what was in the food I was eating_, but had to consume it anyway because, as previously stated, I skipped out on dinner; not to mention, I PAID OZ KNOWS HOW MUCH MONEY TO BUY TRAIN TICKETS FOR THE TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO CAN GET UNDER MY SKIN AND MAKE ME FEEL COMPLETELY OBSOLETE-"

"Hey, I resent t- oh, crap," Willharry said from his hiding place.

Elphaba jerked around to where his voice had come from. "What was that?" she asked suspiciously, completely ignoring Fiyero's rant.

"Uh, nothing," he replied quickly, too quickly.

"It sounded like it came from over by the window," she said ominously, approaching said location.

"No- wait-" Fiyero cried, fumbling after her. Paying no heed, Elphaba snatched the shutters back to reveal-

"Oh, crap," Willharry said again. "Uh- PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN-" he wretched the drape back again.

His younger brother closed his eyes, bringing a hand to his temple. It was over. She'd seen Will. Girl's he'd been dating for MONTHS forgot his very name when they first met Harry. He'd already pissed Elphaba off more than he'd ever done to any girl; now that she'd seen his brother, who was- basically- everything he was only hundreds of thousands of times better, she'd probably fawn over him more than- more than- Oz, he was too upset for metaphors! A deer, maybe?

"Wait," she said in that distant, dazed way girl's always did when the first caught sight of the Elder Prince, "aren't you Willharry Tiggular?"

Fiyero winced as the green girl exactly quoted the fangirls from the fast food joint.

"Uh, no, I'm a- foreign exchange student-" Willharry, for his part, babbled unconvincingly. "-Mary Sue's brother, doesn't ya knows?"

"It's Marisu," Elphaba replied coldly, "And your accent sounds merely as though your sinuses have been clogged with wood glue."

_Wait, _Fiyero said, joy slowly rising in his chest, _did she just- she told Will off! She's immune to him! She's the one girl in all the continent who's immune to Will!! I STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!! _

"Elphaba Thropp, meet Willharry," Fiyero said cheerfully.

Elphaba turned to him icily. "Is this what you meant by breaking up?" she demanded. "You sent your _brother_ here to shallowly seduce Galinda so you wouldn't have to stand up to her? This is your 'complicated' solution?"

"Um," he replied, the happy buzz in his chest slowly starting to fade at her tone, "Yes?"

"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed, knocking him upside his head. "Oz, are you completely without morals?! You can't just PAWN someone off on another person to manipulate your own needs! Do you really think you can convince a girl you've been dating for months to ditch you at the drop of a hat, for your own brother?"

"It's…_Galinda_…." Fiyero replied, an eyebrow raised.

Elphaba let out a shriek of exasperation. "You're hopeless!" she informed him shrilly, and without another word stormed out of the room.

He didn't chase her; sinking onto the bed, Fiyero slowly bent over and cradled his head in his hands. "Oz," he moaned woefully, "I can't do _anything_ right, can I?"

On a less dismal occasion, Willharry would be tempted to point out that his brother had no problem performing acts of stupidity right, but he saw that "Fif" was in genuine pain and tried his best to help.

"Well," he said awkwardly, rubbing the other prince's back comfortingly, "You can always wait till she calms down and try to talk to her again."

"No," he said achingly, "No, I'm done. I can't make her happy, all I've done so far is get her upset and endanger her friendship with her roommate; it's not fair to her, and I just can't deal with all this anymore."

"Alright, man," Will said hesitantly. "If that's really what you want."

He nodded broodingly, not looking at him.

"So uh, you still want me to take care of the Galinda thing for you?" he asked tentatively.

"Do whatever you want," he said, voice dead. "I don't care anymore."

Will had never seen his brother this down before; desperate for something to distract him, he scanned the room anxiously until something on the bureau caught his attention. "So are you still gonna give her this?"

Fiyero glanced up. "What are you talking about?" he asked, his voice with a bit more emotion now. Encourage, Willharry went over to him and stuck it under his nose.

"These letters- they're both addressed to 'Miss Thropp'- that's what you said her last name was, right?"

Fiyero stared at them bewilderedly; that wasn't his handwriting scrawled across the envelopes. He couldn't ever remember composing a love note to Elphaba. Besides, the script was far too messy, almost as though the person writing it was using their left hand, or-

Didn't have any thumbs. Suppressing a groan, Fiyero suddenly recalled Dr. Dillamond's request to deliver these to Elphie the next time he stopped by Galinda's room; he'd dropped them on the dresser upon returning home, and forgot to pick them up again when he went to collect the blonde for their coffee date (not that it would have mattered if he'd remembered them, what with the green girl hurling projectiles at him and what not.)

Urgh; he couldn't _not_ give them to her, not after Dillamond had against all logic cut him some slack; the guy had it hard enough as it is. Grudgingly, he turned towards his brother and asked, "Hey, could you run this over to her for me? Room number's-"

"Oh, no," Willharry protested, linking his index fingers together in a "stay back" symbol. "You're not dragging me into this. Go give it to her yourself."

Scowling, Fiyero Tiggular stood up and went to have one last interaction with Elphaba.

**A/N: AAAAAAAAH! ONE CHAPTER (plus the epilouge) LEFT! I can't believe it! I also can't believe how long it's been since I've updated, I know you must all hate me- but could you pretty please review anyway, though I totally don't deserve it?**


	12. Conclusion: And Then There Was None

**Disclaimer: …This chapter is going to suck. I just know it. It's the last one, of course it's going to be horrible and make no sense and blah blah blah SELF DOUBT FAIRY GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!**

Fiyero had been standing in front of the Elphaba/Galinda dorm room in indecision for about ten minutes before he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"The doorknob's _that way_," Willharry said, pointing.

"How did you find me?" his brother asked blankly.

"I memorized the sign out front that said the girl's dorms were rooms 354-652," he shrugged. "The rest was easy."

Fiyero goggled at him. "You really do have a problem, don't you?" he inquired warily.

"Dude, you're the one pining after a green chick; leave my fetishes alone and I won't point out yours," Will replied archly.

Not wanting to get into an argument about it, as raised voices might make the tenants of the dorm behind him come out to investigate, Fiyero changed the subject. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you wanted no part of this."

"I don't," he replied haughtily, "I just figured if you were going to do this thing, it might be easier if that Galinda chick was out of the room. And it might prove some fun for me to, like, mess with her, or whatever."

"Aw," Fiyero said, truly touched. He knew that behind his gruff-talking façade, Willharry had been genuinely worried about him and came to make sure everything was alright. "You care, Wills!"

"Shut up and open the door," the courteous reply he received.

"Say 'please'," goaded Fiyero, now cheered to his usual, mischievous self.

"_Please_ tell me this girl is not nearly as psychotic as you made her out to be, in which case I will kill you," Willharry replied, apparently alluding to Galinda.

"Not really," Fiyero admitted with some reluctance. "But she's got this thing, she's constantly perky and smiley all the time, I think it must be like a disease-"

"Mellitis?"

"You made that up."

"True, but Mother was performing at some scientific benefit the other night, and I somehow got dragged along, and I got stuck sitting next to a man who injects Botoz for a living, so I figure if pressured I could make up a clinical diagnosis for it."

"Can we just get this over with?" Fiyero interjected, gesturing towards the door. Willharry drew an over-exaggerated sigh and stood aside so his brother could knock.

Less than half a clock tick later the door wretched open, seemingly by itself, until a slightly shrill voice cried, "MASTER FIYERO! You've come to distract- I mean, apologize to Miss Galinda! How perfectly marvelous- won't you and you're extremely handsome friend come in?"

In that moment, Fiyero decided he really needed to start paying more attention to his surroundings, brainless or not._ His_ recollection of Miss Nessarose was a timid, socially conscious girl with low-self esteem and an unrequited crush on Boq. In less than three days, however, he'd not only discovered that she and the munchkin were a little more than together, but also that her she fussed with her raven hair using a curling iron, smeared so much mascara over her eyelashes he was surprised she could see, and the prized shoes she was famous for treasuring so laced all the way up her calves, past her knees, and drew his eyes to a place that would not have improved Elphaba's opinion of his vulgarity (not that this was his fault).

He also hadn't noted how wild-eyed she was. Nor could he remember her sharing her sister and Galinda's dormitory.

"GALINDY!" she squawked again in her too-chipper voice. "Lookie who's here!"

The crippled girl wheeled herself behind the younger Prince and nearly ran him over in the effort to usher him in front of the vanity, over which Galinda was slumped over, seemingly mixing together some kind of cream.

"Nessa, I told you not to get that, you're mud mask is almost ready," the blonde replied without looking up, her tone impatient.

Nessarose paled beneath her artificially-rouged cheeks. "B-b-but there's a handsome prince here!" she stammered desperately, looking terrified. "He' s here to kiss and make ou- up with you!"

He leaned down and whispered, "Actually, I'm just delivering something to your sister, I'm not-"

She gave him a look that for the first time made Fiyero believe she and Elphaba could actually be related.

Galinda's head jerked up immediately. "Oh, Fifi," she said breathlessly, looking quite anxious. Her blue eyes traveled just over his shoulder. "Oh- and Fifi's brother!"

In the awkwardness of the moment, "Fifi" had temporarily forgotten about Wills, who he miraculously did not hear suppressing loud guffaws at his pet name. Curious as to what could be wrong with his ears, Fiyero turned to his brother for conformation that he had gone deaf and instead found him slack-jawed, blue eyes slightly out of focus but nonetheless pinned on Galinda.

_By Oz, __she's Willified Will!_!!!

In panic, Fiyero jerked his neck around again and babbled, "Yes, um- Galinda, this is Willharry- you see you threw me for a loop last night, since in the Vinkus while it's customary for the female to propose to her beau, they usually ask their oldest sibling or parent for their permission first, so I couldn't give you an answer. Fortunately I've sent for good Ol' Willz, so you too can have a nice chat out on the grounds. Tootles!"

Praying that once he got over the shock of Galinda's physical perfection Willharry would be back to his usual playboy state, Fiyero basically shoved the pair of them out the door and slammed it behind them.

Nessarose slumped limply in her chair, apparently overwhelmed with relief. "_Thank you_," she breathed gratefully. "You practically saved my life!"

"Er-no problem," Fiyero replied, not having a clue what she was talking about, "Is your sister in?"

"She all but stormed in here a moment ago, locking herself in her room. I wanted to interrogate her but _someone_-" she narrowed her heavily lidded eyes "-didn't notice, and concluded the cleansing of my pores was more important."

"Yes, well I'm afraid I've offended her," the Prince admitted bashfully.

Nessarose scoffed. "It's rather hard not to, duckie," she said darkly. "I personally think she's reacting ridiculously to this whole thing-"

"Er, right," Fiyero cut in. He fumbled with his shirttails. "If you could just give her this for me, I'll be on my way-"

Nessa chuckled. "Oh, no," she said, wheeling a bit backward. "I'm not playing message matron for you- you'll have to figure this out yourselves."

"What is that, some kind of annoying sibling trait?!" Fiyero yelled in frustration.

Nessarose's eyes brimmed with tears. "Now that's rather harsh!" she wailed, dabbing her eyes with the cuff of the sleeve. "Really, and I hardly know you!"

"Oh-er-Miss Nessa- dammit!-" Fiyero knelt down, fumbling with his handkerchief. "Please, I didn't mean to upset you- honestly, I just haven't gotten a good night's sleep recently and-"

"WHAT THE QUOX HAVE YOU DONE NOW?!"

Before Fifi the ExperiencelesswithWomenIX of the Vinkus quite knew what was happening, a green blur had shoved him out of the way and onto the floor.

"Now really, it's one thing to take advantage of poor Galinda, but to start in on my poor defenseless sister, uncalled on no less-"

"Oh _please_," Nessarose said despairingly. "Fabala, do you even hear yourself? It's one thing to go on one of your tangents, but for the love of Oz stop trying to make it about righteous fury- you sound like Morrible."

Elphaba gawked at her. "Nessie…" she said slowly, "Have you be conked on the head recently?"

"No!" she growled. "I'm tired, I'm cranky, I've inhaled far too much Ax! Fragrance by Chopper, and I'm positively _sick_ of you making yourself so unhappy just because you're green or it's raining or you get sick of people accusing me of being skitso!"

"…You're the one that does that," Elphaba pointed out tentatively.

"WHATEVER!" exploded Nessarose. "I'm sick of you sulking because a handsome prince is FREAKING IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

Elphaba was, to say the least, rather taken aback at this statement. "But-but-" she stammered "H-he made you cry!"

Nessa rolled her eyes. "He did not," she said flatly. "Not any more than Father did when he wouldn't buy me that pony- at first."

Elphie blinked. "Wait," she said slowly. "You mean-"

Grinning wickedly, Rosie rolled up to her sister and snatched a key out of her dress pocket, then pushed past her to her bedroom door, which a second later closed with an audible '_click_'.

"There, now," she said sweetly once the deed was done. "You'll have to talk this out like little adults now, won't you, while I go outside to guard the front door so neither of you leave?"

Without waiting for answer, she swiveled around and thrust herself out the door, shutting it lightly behind her.

An awkward silence settled frostily over the room. Elphaba, still glaring after her sister, had her arms crossed over her chest in a highly foreboding manner, while Fiyero was still trying to figure out why the Quox Will had forced him to do this instead of leaving him alone to eat ice cream in his pajamas for a week.

"Lousy little…I swear I never knew why Father…gotten the physician tested years ago, bound to have undiagnosed Obstinate Obsessive Craziness…"

Highly tempted to just throw the envelopes at her feet and stalk out, Fiyero took a small breath and then forced himself to say, "Now, accusing her of being OOC is a tad harsh…"

Instantaneously, the green girl hurled him a Death Look. "Just tell me what you want to say, so my asylum-bound sibling will set us free and we can stop breathing the same air."

_What I _want_ to say_? Fiyero thought incredulously. _What I _want _to say is that you're the one being insane, that I didn't do anything, and would you just shut up and KISS ME already???_

"Here, just take these, please," he said, extending the envelopes out to Elphaba, who, in turn, slapped them out of his hands in a highly melodramatic way not unlike a dime novel character might behave.

"Oh, no," she said scathingly, and pointed towards the door. "She said _talk_ it out, not _write_ it out."

"And the difference is…?"

"The difference _is_," she replied impatiently, "If she's only listening at make sure we're talking, not to what we're actually _saying_, she won't let you out and I'll have to climb through a window to get away from you, and I don't want to wrinkle my dress."

Fiyero stared at her, agape. "Elphaba…" he said slowly, "Are you quite certain you aren't running a fever? Or having some kind of reaction to the Vinkus spices I keep under my mattress to sooth me to sleep? Because you are, frankly, bypassing ludicrous and heading straight for _delirious_ without passing 'Go' or collecting 200 coin! This is the least rational conversation I've ever heard- and my mother's a pop star, for Oz sake!"

"Oh, can't you ever say anything without making it into a joke?" Elphaba- whose eyes were, in fact, red rimed- wailed. Fiyero stared at her as she continued to rant, focusing on the brown spheres he'd come to savor- the pupils of which undeniably dilated.

Aw, shizkin. It had to be the Winkie Spice. He knew there must be a reason his people introduced the custom of sleeping with therapeutic aromas at such a young age. Undoubtedly Elphie was either allergic to it, or the scent was too strong for foreign nostrils to handle.

"Blah blah blah, Fiyero you suck at life, blah blah blah, Galinda and I go together like good-nut butter and wicked jelly, you have to be nice to her, blah blah" seemed to be the gist of what she was saying. Only in bigger words. This was a comfort, as she couldn't be too out of it if she was still using words longer than her bedpost in conversation. More than likely she was just on a little buzz, and her natural suspiciousness had been enhanced to wild paranoia because of it. Other than a nasty headache in another few hours, she ought to be fine, and since there was no need for medical attention form the younger version of the- what had Wills called it? "love EMT?"- Fiyero was more than ready to get out of there.

"Would you _please_ just take these and shut up?" Fiyero asked tiredly, picking the envelopes off of the floor, where they had remained after Elphie had knocked them out of his hand the first time.

"No," she replied stoutly.

"Fine," Fiyero grumbled, growing more irritated with the stoned girl. "I'll read it out loud, so darling Nessie can hear and you won't have to hoist yourself out of a vent in order to relieve yourself of interacting with my exasperating personality."

Hey, he could use big words too! (Never mind she had taught them to him during their study session…)

Fiyero tore open one of the envelopes with his thumb and managed to read, "Dear Miss-" before Elphaba interrupted.

"Oh, Oz."

There was nothing slurred in her tone now. Glancing up with some concern, Fiyero saw that her green face had frozen into a look of utter terror.

"What?" he asked tentatively.

Elphie slowly pointed a quivering finger. "T-that's marked with the official TOTO examiner seal," she stammered. "T-there's n-no reason or way a professor could hand back results so quickly unless-"

She snatched the paper (rudely) from his hands and began to read aloud, voice trembling as her eyes frantically scanned the passage,

"As your instructor I regret to inform you that as of this moment you have received an-" her voice squeaked out of her neck with difficulty "-_incomplete_ for your Test of Terrible Ominousness for Ozmology. Unless you make an attempt to reconcile this status in the form of a conference with your Headmistress (and, we recommend, much groveling and self-degradation) you will instead be receiving a grade 'F' (that means 'failure', if your too much of a bimbo to ascertain that much) not only for this examination but also as your final semester grade. This, in turn, puts yours entire diploma at Shiz into mortal dang-" at this point, Elphaba's hyperventilation overwhelmed her, and she could no longer coax her vocal cords to move in the proper manner. Clutching her neck, she allowed the paper to waft to the floor and began to curl up into what could only be called a standing version of the fetal position, if such a thing were possible.

"Oh-my-Oz," she panted with difficulty. "I am going to die. T-that's it, it's over. I've got no future. I'll be stuck laying BRICKS forever, while simultaneously polishing Nessa's BOOTS because that's all I'm good for, oddity big sister, spazztastic beanstalk without and education muttering about lettuce prices in the street when I have free time which I won't have because I'll be working minimum wage at the docks and when I get off I still won't have enough money so I'll go into the streets and beg for alms like a lunatic while kicking little terriers out of bitterness for no apparent reason other than the fact that I WAS EATEN ALIVE BY THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM AND REGURGITATED OUT LIKE A MOLDY BRUSSEL SPROUT!!!!!!"

Fiyero watched this little display with little interest, briefly wondering whether or not he'd underestimated the amount of Spice she'd inhaled. Nessarose, however, must have made good on her word to wait by the door, for once "Fabala" had gotten to the CAPS LOCK OF PANIC she's opened the door again and quickly rushed to her side.

"Bala?" she pressed tentatively. "Fabala, breath."

"I-am-" she panted.

"Okay," Nessa said soothingly, "but try it through your nose now."

As Elphaba tried to follow this advice, with little success, Fiyero rolled his princely eyes and muttered, "Oz, melodramatic much?"

Elphie, in addition to being as spastic as one at the present moment, must have also have bat _hearing_, as she jerked up her head and demanded (with quite a lot of aggression, for someone having a panic attack), "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS COMPLETELY UNRAVELS MY ENTIRE FU-"

"Do you understand how conceited you are?" Fiyero asked sweetly.

Both girls gaped at him. "How- am-I-" the green girl was back to stammering "_conceited _when my _whole future_ just shriveled up and DIED?"

"Because, duckie," Fiyero replied, in the same honey coated voice. "If you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have remembered that while the envelope is addressed to _Miss. Thropp, _you are not the only _Miss Thropp_ on campus, now are you?"

Elphaba's mouth fell open.

An irritated look on his face, Fiyero bent down and shoved the letter under her green nose. "You were so _distracted_ by the _surface appearance_ you didn't even bother to consider their might be something _different on the inside, that would never hurt you._"

Okay, so the metaphor for her attitude towards him was a little sketchy. But the way Elphie's eyes bugged out of her head when she saw the name _Nessarose F. Thropp_ scribbled inside the warning notice was certainly satisfying.

Nessa wretched the paper out of his hands. "Oh…my…Oz…" she breathed. "I know I fell asleep-" Fiyero remembered seeing the instructor wheeling her out last while he was still trapped in that infernal closet, and supposed now that was why "-but I could have sworn I finished first, I don't remember I was up too late with B- oh, my OZ!!!" She grabbed the rims of her wheels and flew out as fast as possible, turning in the doorframe in the direction of Morrible's office.

This, of course, left Fiyero and Elphaba alone. 

_Together. _

Which is an oxymoron, but we're ignoring that, for the sake of _romance_.

Slowly, Elphaba shook her head, like a dog that's got water in its ears- which is an appropriate metaphor animal for her gender, given the way she had been acting recently. "Wait…" she drawled, "Y-you told me I was wrong."

"Funnily enough, you _are_ capable of being wrong, you know," Fiyero commented dryly.

"No, I mean-" she took a step closer (Fiyero physically tensed, but in spite of himself he felt something twinge at his chest) "You told me I was wrong. You could have had your revenge at the expense of my fear, and spite me further by ruining my sister's chance at an education. But you didn't. Even after I treated you like the dirt beneath my feet."

"Contrary to your rather poor foreshadowing skills, I am not the heartless one around here," Fiyero informed her stiffly.

Probably he would have gone on more, about how why couldn't she just listen to him, why did she have to be so self righteous all the time, what had he done to betray her trust so much she refused to be in the same room with him willfully, but at the present moment Elphaba basically- to use a crude term- "glomped" him, flinging herself onto his neck and all but shoving her tongue down his throat.

Electricity shot through him like a clap of lightening, sizzling through his veins as though he had caught fire. His hand curved naturally around her waist, almost reflexively, and it wasn't until what seemed an eternity later he resurfaced for air and said dazedly, "You know, some people would just say thank you."

Elphaba bit her lip, though, not pulling back from his embrace but visibly worried none the less. "But, Yero," she whispered, "What about Galinda?"

Fiyero closed his eyes. Galinda didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that finally, FINALLY, someone had quoxing called him Yero.

Plus, at that particular moment, both Galinda and Willharry burst into the room into the room, the latter with his shirt completely unbuttoned, the former with her pink sundress slightly askew but none the less intact as they stumbled together, lips firmly closed around each other's.

Fiyero wished he could of at least tired to _act_ a little offended, or maybe just a tad surprised, but nonetheless his initial reaction was, in fact, _YES! SHE DIDN'T LET HIM GET PAST FIRST BASE EITHER!! ROCK ON!!!_

"FIYERO!" Galinda gasped, making a noise not unlike a suction cup as she finally detached her face from Will's. "Oh- Oh Oz- Will said you'd be back to your dorm by now-"

"Sorry, Glinda," Will mumbled, gazing at her with surprisingly sincere admiration.

"It's Galinda," Elphaba interjected frostily.

"But I'll change it, if you want me to," Ga/Glinda said dreamily, clearly wrapped up in the Elder Prince's magically Puppy Eyes of Cuteness.

"Okay, well, clearly you're cheating on me with my much hotter brother, and I can see I can't make you happy anymore, so if you'll just leave me to grieve in your suite with your roommate to comfort me, everything will be peachy keen," Fiyero said with uber subtly.

That, of course, the newly christened Glinda, didn't pick up on. "I'm so sorry, Fifi," she said tearfully, "I'll truly treasure the time we spent together-"

"Glinda-" Elphaba tried to interject.

"I really never meant for this to happen this way, it's so unfair to you-"

"_Glinda_-" Elphaba tried again.

"I can't believe I'd ever conduct myself in such a manner, but look at him he's just so cute-"

"GLINDA!" Elphaba roared.

The little blonde jumped. "Yes, Elphie?" she questioned.

Elphaba grabbed Yero by the face and mashed her lips against his aggressively. A second later she let go, wiped her mouth of with her hand, and demanded, "_Get it_?"

Glinda blinked. "Oh," she said faintly. "Okay. Got it."

"Good," Elphaba confirmed

"Got your dorm key?" Will asked his brother.

He tossed it to him

"Bye," he said simply, and then grabbed Glinda out the arm and hurried off to that direction.

Fiyero turned towards his beloved. "Can we make out some more now?" he wanted to know.

Elphaba smiled crookedly. "Now, really, Yero," she said amusedly. "You act as if you've been pining for years- this whole thing's only gone on for about three days.

"I know," he said, pouting, "But for some reason it feels like we've been waiting for this moment for nearly six months."

Elphaba shrugged, then leaned in again, breathing softly on his face for a moment before leaning in, pursing her lips and then-

-letting out a small cry of pain.

"Sorry," Fiyero muttered, embarrassed, "Stupid chain." He fumbled with a linked necklace that dangled all the way down past his shirt tails, which had fallen out of his collar while leaning forward for the lip lock and consequently gotten tangled into Elphie's hair.

"What's that?" she asked, indicating the dingy charm hanging off of the necklace as she winced.

"Some crappy old ring," he muttered, still focused on untangling the curl, "my Mother gave it to me when I was born."

Elphaba inspected it as Yero continued to negotiate with her hair. After chipping at the dirt with her thumbnail for a few minutes (the lock had really gotten tangled) she managed to flake off some of the mildew and glimpse the shimmering color of the gemstone beneath. A vivid color, so green it nearly matched her own skin, but there appeared to be a flaw in the center of the stone.

Curious now, Elphie continued chipping, and a few moments later was able to see that it wasn't a flaw at all, but rather an inscription:

The letter 'B'.

"_What is said to have been the most beautiful emerald in all of Oz, set on a solid gold band._ _It was an engagement ring."_

Elphaba sucked in her breath.

"Yero," she said shrilly, "Yero, where did you say you got this?"

"It's a family heirloom, one of my relatives found it in an attic up in Quox and gave it to my mother," he replied, tilting his head at her. "Elphaba, are you alright? You look…peculiar."

"_Cervello Arcel, third in line for the current throne of the Vinkus-"_

_"she supposedly stole away when know one was looking and fled to Quox along with Arcel, living- as the naïve might put it- happily ever after__**."**_

"Likelihood of five percent my hide," Elphaba whispered feverently, "They did it, by Oz, they escaped!!! "

"Um, Elphaba?" Fiyero was beginning to wonder whether she was still stoned after all. "What are you saying?"

But a second later he didn't care, for Elphaba Margaret Thropp ended up giving him an impassioned kiss, causing both of their thoughts to fade away as though darkness where any remembrance of past suitors fell away into nothingness.

At a later date, Fiyero supposed as he slipped his fingers through the black satin that was her hair, he ought to correct Willharry. Despite his saying otherwise, obviously man jewelry really _did_ turn chicks on.

**END**

…**There will be an epilogue. No one remembers the Elphaba Margaret thing from Chapter 2, I'm guessing. Did I do good?**


	13. Last Night reprise

**A/N: Hopefully this author's note doesn't confusify you. Okay, so, I was thinking about the whole Nessa and Boq "Last Night" conversation, and why it was only funny because what they were talking about (make up) sounded a lot different to a third party listening in (Fiyero, innuendos.) So that got me thinking- how could I do a sort of encore to "last night" (because you guys had such a great reaction to that, it only seemed fair to revive it somehow)?**

**Then, an idea hit. Therefore:**

**Disclaimer: I am not **Herbert Kretzmer,**Stephen Sondheim, **Steven Schwartz, or _Jonathan Larson

* * *

_

He really shouldn't have turned the corner right then. That's what he got for taking shortcuts. His mother always warned him not to take shortcuts. Sure, she was probably referring to cutting corners than to actually finding a quicker route back to his dorm, but at the moment he didn't care.

Because _she_ was there.

Cursing himself silently, Boq strode forward with his eyes straight ahead, trying as hard as possible to ignore the girl in the wheelchair parked against the wall of the hallway. This was rather difficult, as her tiny frame had been forced into an-ahem- rather tight-fitted gown of eye-popping scarlet to compliment the bright, almost vulgar shoes that laced all the way up to her calves.

Not that he was looking at her. Or her legs. Or anything having to do with the insane menace to society.

Still, it was rather hard to ignore said sociopath when in addition to this very bright outfit she was also banging her head against the wall.

_Don't ask,_ The Common Sense Sprite whispered in the munchkin's ear. _Walk far, far away, without looking back- possibly to a placid meadow in a secluded spot, where you can reflect on your tangled romantic life and come to a logical conclusion about it._

As usual, the Common Sense Sprite was killed by Curiosity, and in spite of himself Boq sat down on the bench across from where she had positioned herself, just outside Madame Morrible's office.

"Um, Miss Nessarose?" he pressed tentatively. "Are you alright?"

Nessa, who had been doing her banging with her eyes shut, opened them blearily, and groaned at the sight of him.

This was new.

"Happy?" she asked, ignoring his inquiry. "Got what's coming to me, haven't I? Failed my exams, haven't gotten a decent rest in two days, and seemingly the _only_ girl still single at Shiz- even my green sister taken!- despite your Pretty Princess _Gl_inda, in addition to having dubbed double vowels out this year, taking me hostage all morning in an attempt to clownifiy me with makeup."

"…Not very fun, is it?" Boq said quietly.

Nessa buried her face in her hands. "I'm _sorry_, okay?!" she wailed, and unlike her scene with Fiyero earlier in the day her distress was genuine. "I think we've all pretty much established that I am _stupid_; so stupid I throw my entire future away with a NAP!"

"Wait, what?" As usual, nothing she was saying made any sense. "So- they really _failed_ you? _Already_?"

"No," Nessarose admitted bitterly. "Not really. I talked to Morrible about it, and since _the usual punishment _of brick laying is _too strenuous and _doesn't exactly _apply_ in my case-" she gestured disgustedly down at her mangled feet "-I get to take it over, with an extra credit paper on some loony who's only famous because her sister was a martyr and she accidentally glued her beau's head to his heels."

"Well…" Boq could not manage to fathom why had he had entangled himself into such an awkward conversation. "You got saved from a life of manual labor- that's pretty good, don't ya think?"

The look she gave him would have frozen an entire lake on the most boiling day of summer. "All of my life I've depended on this hideous chair with wheels," she hissed. "_How do you think THAT feels???_"

"Um," For once he didn't think she was just scrounging for pity, given that she wasn't making any blatant attempt to show off her heels. But Oz, she could be scary! "Not so good?"

Her response to this was to turn away and continuing the rapping of her skull against the rather unsightly wallpaper.

"I love how you rhyme about your pain, though," he joked half-heartedly.

The rapping stopped. "Don't."

Boq allowed himself a small smile at her expense. "Alright, I'm sorry, that really was rather tactless of me-"

"No," she said forcefully. She sat up straight again, and looked him dead in the eye. "I mean, don't say you love me- _any part of me_- unless you mean it. _Really mean it_, Boq."

He stared at her, in the back of his mind wondering if his mouth was ajar. What was _wrong_ with this girl? How could she be so timid and shy one minute, and so bullying and frank the next? Weren't girls always supposed to be coy? That's why men were attracted to them in the first place, right? They had mystery about them. Nessarose always spoke what she felt, no matter whom it hurt, no matter how strong the emotion. There was no mystic about her whatsoever, and yet he still for the life of him could never figure her out! It was baffling!

"I-I'm sorry," seemed the best reply he could think of.

Nessa looked at him for a minute with reproach (what was there for her to be offended about??) then closed her eyes and muttered, "Go, leave me alone."

Boq nearly fell off the bench. "_What_ did you say?"

The younger Thropp all but growled at him. "_Leave me alone."_

Physically impossible as it may be, Boq was certain that the words had leapt out of her throat and were now attempting to strangle him, "W-what," he choked, "D-did you just tell me- _me_- to leave _you _alone???"

"I can't _deal_ with this anymore," she replied vehemently. "All my life I've strived to be independent- not to have to rely on anyone- so why if it's causing you so much pain, why should I keep harping on you?"

"Y-you'd do that for me?" he stammered.

She curled her lip. "For _both_ of us," she correct frostily.

Oh Oz. OH DEAR OZ. SHE WAS BEING RATIONAL!!! THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING!!!!

"Nessa?"

"_What_?" she asked impatiently.

"Uh, Nessa, now that I matter less to you-" she made a less than encouraging sound of disgust "-I-I'd really like to make amends about this whole thing- do you think we could still-"

"I swear to Oz, if you say 'be friends'-"

"No, no!" Boq cut in quickly. "I meant- well, you know there's a Wild Wonders of the Ev concert on Sunday?"

Nessarose blinked once. Twice.

"Are you," she drawled slowly, "seriously asking me out after I just used all my force of will to _reject_ you?! Oz, is _that _what the matter with boys is, they only want what they can't have?! Is THAT why that blonde little ball of lobotomy is the most sought after piece of meat at Shiz-"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Boq cut in, highly affronted. "I never once mentioned the word _date_, Nessa, I just thought that since it's a standing room only concert, you'd be guaranteed to get a front row view, and as your escort, so would I! We wouldn't have to speak or even associate with each other, so long as we were close enough to each other to fool security, and if we both had enough fun at the concert it might build some good blood between us again!"

Jaw clenched so hard Boq wondered how she could manage to speak at all, Nessarose said docilely, "Glinda could get you up front if she really wanted to, she's popular enough with everyone, they'd let you block their view along with her."

Boq swallowed. "Miss Gal- Glinda is taken," he said in a constricted voice, "as you very well know, Nessa!"

The younger Thropp cocked her head to the side. "All for the best, if you ask me-"

"No one did."

"-I mean, really, it makes the pain you would have felt when you proposed courtship to her while she was single much less raw-"

"_Shut up_, Nessa-"

"Tell me," Nessarose said acidly, "Tell me Boq, what do you think GALINDA would have done if she had actually accepted your invitation to the Wild Wonders of the Ev concert? Oh, yes, she'd her little eyelashes and gush about how much fun she was having, then get _so terribly worn out_ from the whole thing that she'd need a glass of punch. You'd offer to fetch it for her, and she'd eventually accept after some polite fussing," her voice took on a high-pitched, mocking quality, "_oh, save it Boq, just save it, oh my sweet, my brave, my fav him, don't leave me till the last song has ceased-"_

"You are as ridiculous as you are rude and outspoken!"

In spite of this, Nessa continued cruelly: "_Oh, but what's this? A FRAT BOY? Taken, me? Oh no- all alone and loveless here- gasp! Check my makeup in a compact mirror- but yeah handsome it's just you and me! And WWOTE! We deserve-"_

"You deserve to be put down, you wicked little brat, now for the last time shut your damn mouth!" Boq shouted, causing several passersby to stop and stare. Both the munchkin and cripple stared fearfully at the door to Morrible's office, but when no Carp-like headmistress appeared they resumed their argument.

"You," Boq said in a lowered voice, chest heaving with indignation, "I don't know who you think you are, but you don't know everything. You don't know _anything._ You aren't any sort of descent, you have _no_ sense of tact whatsoever-"

"Go on," dared Nessarose. "Go on, you're right, I'm not a lady, I'm not delicate and womanly, **I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just **_**right**_**!"**

"You aren't either!" he protested. "You're impossible, that's what you are! Impossible to shut up!"

"How would you know?!" angry tears were starting to leak from her eyes, "how would you know, when you've never even tried?!! You just sit there and whine, _please_ hush Nessie, make the icky reality of your words go away! Dear Oz, Dillamond doesn't bleat half as much as you!"

"I'll make you shut up," Boq said, hands trembling with fury. "By Oz, I will!"

"Have a go, then! Have a go!" Nessa all but screamed.

And then he was kissing her, how or why he did not know, but his mouth was on hers and she couldn't talk, couldn't hurt herself but cutting her tongue on Glinda and couldn't say anything to make him insane. He couldn't figure her out for a minute and it made him crazy, crazy and stupid and his lips were crammed against her face and _Oz_ it felt good in a way only the channeling of fury can- finally, from this madness, something _good._

"For the love of Oz!" a voice cried, making the pair of them jump, "can't you two _get a room_?! Honestly, you already scarred me for life _once_."

The Prince, a stack of exam forms in his hand and his father's pockets most likely considerably lighter after bribing the headmistressfor a retake opportunity, walked out of the office doorway and stamped down the hall, still grumbling to himself. As he turned the corner, he nearly collided with a passing Crope, and busied away without an apology.

"Oz," Tibbett- who of course had been tailing behind Crope, said uncertainly, "What bee flew up his bonnet?"

"As if you didn't know," Crope said brusquely, then caught sight of the still-entangled Bessa. "And what have we here, then?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

"None of your business," Nessarose said defensively.

"I'd say it is," Crope said with obvious amusement. "Oh Tibby," Tibbett perked at the use of his old nickname, "I believe you owe me ten coin." Tibbett deflated again.

He said affably: "Oh, come, Cro, she could have just made a grab at him, there's no physical evidence that it was consensual."

Crope's eyebrow went up again. "Are we investigating a crime here, Master Tibbett? Is this the Victorian version of Matlock? No, it is not. We are fulfilling a wager. Buck up, I'm sure your Princey will reimburse you-"

"FOR THE LAST TIME," Tibbett yelled, "HE IS NOT MY PRINCEY!!!"

Those who were passing though the hallway that day really need not lament the fact that day time television, and therefore soap operas, had yet to be invented.

"Wait," Boq said slowly, "Are you seriously trying to tell me you two made a bet as to whether or not Nessa and I-"

"If he's not _your_ Princey than why do I hear he broke up with Galinda? No straight man could give _that_ up."

"It's _Glinda_ now, my little gossip monger," Tibbett said impatiently. "And he broke up with her for _Elphaba."_

Crope blinked. "You seriously expect me to believe," he said slowly, "that Fiyero Tiggular dumped _Glinda Upland_ for the _Artichoke?!"_

Tibbett raised his hands in the air. "Apparently he has a Vegetable fetish or something- I'm not judgmental, so I'm not going there. And, I'm sorry, why is it unbelievable that Fiyero dumped her for another _girl_, but completely plausible that he dumped her for me?"

"Duh," Crope scoffed, "'Cause your flaming like that, you dork."

It was now Tibbett's turn to give The Eyebrow.

Busted, Crope stammered, "I-I mean, if he was really- then of course he'd break up with- it has nothing to do with-"

"You think I'm Glinda-grade hot," Tibbett teased, grinning from ear to ear.

"I NEVER said- where are you dragging me off to?!"

"Don't ask, don't tell, my darling!"

Bessa watched the two boys scamper off into Oz knows what kind of high jinks before finally having to take stock of there situation.

"Oh," Boq said suddenly, realizing that after all this time he was still sitting on top of Nessa's lap. "Sorry, I'll just-"

"Don't fret," Nessarose said, flushing. Thinking of Glinda, she added, "I can't feel any pain."

"Okay, then," he replied awkwardly.

"So….what was that?" Nessarose asked tentatively.

Boq wiped his brow. "I dunno," he said, shrugging. "You just…made me _so mad_, and it just made me think…I mean, it was the only thing I could think of to make you stop."

"I see," she replied quietly, her tone hurt.

"No, no," he said hastily, cupping her cheek. Taken aback by his own forwardness, he let go quickly and started toying with one of her curls. "I mean, it started out that way, I guess, but….this is all really complicated, I'm sorry I'm not really good at this sort of thing-"

"I noticed," she said, smiling weakly.

"Yeah," seemed the only suitable answer to this. He continued to play with her ringlet. "Did Glinda do these? They're really…bouncy. And fun."

"Like her?"

Boq swallowed. "Let's not talk about her."

Nessarose lowered her gaze. "But I thought you loved Glinda."

He tilted her chin back upwards. "I did love Glinda," he admitted. "I did. **But no one has ever loved me as dearly as you. No one has truly love me, as you have, **Nessa. **Love without reason, love without mercy, love without pride or shame-**"

Nessarose vaguely wondered if all this was meant to be complimentary, though was enraptured none the less.

**-love unconcerned with being returned, no wisdom, no judgement, no caution, no blame."**

_Okay, seriously Boq, is this a declaration or a critique?!_

"**No one has ever loved me as deeply as you. No one has ever shown me what love could be like until now- not pretty, or safe, or easy, but more than I ever knew. Love within reason, that isn't love- and I've learned that, from you."**

Slowly, Nessarose smiled. It started small, hesitant, until it developed into an all-out beam. Blushing, Boq slowly eased off of her lap and said, "Um…yeah. So, can we take this one day at a time?"

Her brown eyes were sparkling. "Anything," she replied blissfully. "Walk me back to my dorm?"

Boq looked puzzled. "But didn't you say when I first walked up that it was raining?"

"Ah, Biq," Nessa said, grinning amusedly. "Don't you know? Rain will make the Roses grow."

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

"Ew! I think I just brushed something pickled! Why am I doing this again?"

"Because I'm worth it. Now stop being such a priss and let's have some fun."

"I am a priss, _take me or leave me._"

"I pick take."

"Excellent choice, I happen to be on sale."

"Too bad, I have a monopoly."

"Oooh, I love playing dirty board games!"

"You're sick. Kiss me."

...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO...

"How did you get the key to this place, anyway?"

"A friend dropped it off as an apology. Can we continue?"

"Please."

………..OXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXO………

"Do you hear something?"

"What the- WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY BLOODY CLOSET?! HAVEN'T THE TWO OF YOU CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE OVER THE PAST FEW DAYS!!!"

"AAAAAH!!!"

"RUN TIBBY RUN!!!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!"

* * *

** A/N: And that, I believe, is that. Apologizes for all the awkward moments and cliches, but what do you expect of a story that only spans three days? Perhaps there is more that this story could do- but in the meantime, my loves, why don't you review:)**


End file.
